Gather dreams that never fade away
by vanhunks
Summary: FINAL CHAPTER ADDED. When a shuttle crash-lands on a moon after an attack on it leaves one dead and two survivors, the crew of Voyager are unprepared for the consequences after Chakotay emerges from his coma.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This story was written in 2001, I think. It took it off the 'net not long after that. When I reread it, I realised that there was so much work to be done to fine tune and smooth it. I am now in the process of "cleaning it up" as it really reflected all my unbeta'ed work before my beta Mary and I began working together.

This looks at least better now. I'll be posting a little chapter each day. Perhaps there are readers out there who haven't read this yet, so here is an opportunity to take a look at it.

As always, comments and reviews are welcome.

VH

 **Disclaimer:** Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay and other Voyager crew. I've enjoyed playing with these characters since 1998.

 **Coding** : J/C

 **SUMMARY** : When a shuttle crashlands after an attack on it leaves one dead and two survivors, the crew of Voyager are unprepared for the consequences after Chakotay emerges from his coma.

AND GATHER DREAMS THAT NEVER FADE AWAY

CHAPTER ONE

The man stirred restlessly. From time to time a soft moan escaped through his parched lips. He appeared in grave pain for the hands that lay above the white sheet twitched violently from time to time. Then he would give an agonised cry as his body arched before slumping back exhaustedly. Then he lay gasping, normal breathing slowly returning before he drifted into a dark oblivion.

Minutes later he groaned again, unable to voice his need as he arched and fellback. A hand touched his brow, wiping the beads of perspiration that rolled in little rivulets down the side, settling in the corners of his eyes. It gave the impression he was crying. Still, his lips were dry, a dull, bloodless colour that indicated a raging thirst. His throat moved as it appeared that he tried to swallow, finding that the action caused his tongue to cling to his palate.

His skin was ashen, contrasting starkly with the white sheet that covered him and the blue of the biobed headrest. On his forehead, above his left eyebrow was a marking, asymmetrical lines and curls that formed a signature. Black hair plastered damply against his skin. He moved his head to one side as if he sensed something - or someone was nearby. He tried to speak but no identifiable sound emanated from his parched lips. Then something was pressed against his mouth.

So cool it was... so blessedly cool as he sucked at the sponge and the liquid relieved his raging thirst, fretting when the sponge was removed - only briefly though, then the coolness settled against his lips again.

There were voices - whispers mostly, that hovered above his consciousness and remained distant, blurry echoes that came and went, came and went. He could not see the hands that ministered, nor try to make out who owned the voices. The searing pain clamoured for dominance and overrode any attempt to put a face to a touch or measure tone and timbre to match a voice, or even a smell. The effort to wake up, to open his eyes and surface above the pain, proved too much as he fell back exhaustedly, finally giving in to the pain and tiredness.

Then he sank into unconsciousness again.

"Gul Evek must be feeling daring today," Chakotay yelled as he worked the controls at the conn of the Liberty.

"They're closing in, Chakotay! Get us out of the way! Move, now!" B'Elanna screamed as phaser fire strafed their starboard bow. The Liberty rocked, veering dangerously in the direction of the Vetar.

"Tuvok, get them, fire!" Chakotay ordered. The Liberty returned fire, their salvo ineffectual as the Cardassian vessel replied with greater force.

"No!" Chakotay cried as Gul Evek opened fire again. Chakotay knew they were going to be hit square on, so he jerked the Liberty sharply to port, trying one last time to avoid the torpedo heading towards them. "No!" he cried as the Liberty was hit. The ship careened after her hull buckled under the stress, folding the vessel like a card as she drifted helplessly in cold space. Chakotay was flung from his chair and by the time he hit the bulkhead at the rear of the bridge, he was on fire. His skull cracked as he made contact with the bulkhead and his body dropped like a rag doll to the floor.

"B'Elanna...we...lost..." he muttered just before he lost consciousness.

He shivered violently as the pain rocked him to awareness again. The voices were there and he heard them, this time a little more clearly.

"He's regaining consciousness, Captain..."

"Thank God."

The voice was soft, feminine, her tone tinged with deep concern. Then a hand touched his brow. It was a touch he felt before - a gentle hand that held a sponge to his lips. He wanted to see, connect a face to the touch. An urgent desire burned through him to see who it was. B'Elanna? Seska? Mariah? He tried to open his eyes, but his eyelids bore down painfully over the eyeballs. He wanted to lift them, the fretting starting again as the effort exhausted him. Chakotay he cried out. It was a low, whimpering cry this time.

"It's okay," the voice commanded. "Shhh... don't move, Chakotay. You're in great pain. Lie still, please."

"Pain...take it...away..." he croaked, his voice sounding detached, unknown, not belonging to him.

"Doctor - ?"

"I know, Captain."

The EMH had been standing ready with a hypospray he prepared the moment he could see the patient stirring. The pain, however, was too much as Chakotay cried out, started gasping and arching.

"Shhh...it's alright, Chakotay. We'll take care of the pain..."

There was a short hiss as the EMH applied the hypospray and the next moment Chakotay sank into deep oblivion again.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Kathryn Janeway looked up at the doctor and sighed heavily as he shook his head. The EMH looked austere and a little displeased. Always boasting of being the best doctor in the Delta Quadrant, he seemed frustrated that he could not make any breakthrough in Chakotay's condition.

"He'll recover, Captain," the EMH said quietly, "but it will be slow. You must be patient. His injuries have been extensive and - "

"I'm aware of that, Doctor. I just need to see him get better. He is in so much p-pain," she said, faltering over the last word.

"As I said, the Commander has taken the brunt of the attack. I've repaired the damage as far as I could, but his optical nerves have been damaged as well and Captain, he may have only partial vision..."

Kathryn Janeway closed her eyes and rubbed trembling fingers over her forehead. She looked at the unconscious man on the biobed. So many times in the last six years she had seen members of her crew and even other species lie here in sick bay - ill, traumatised, dying. B'Elanna, Harry, Tom, Neelix... all of them had lain here. She had despaired then, yet always remained strong for them and for the ship, never letting her guard down. Now Chakotay lay here in a deep coma. She had not wanted to entertain any thought of him dying. A flash of a memory… When was it? An eternity ago? He had also lain here and she had been distraught at the thought of losing him. Then their relationship had been one of wariness, a fear and excitement combined that had prevented her from being open to him.

Between that time and now so many things had changed. Everything had changed. She couldn't bear to lose him now. Kathryn shook her head, berating herself for allowing that thought to enter her head.

She wanted to sit down again next to his bed and hold his hand. She wanted to just touch him that he could sense her presence and will him to come alive again. But the doctor had been firm an hour ago:

"You must rest, Captain. You must run this ship and you need to be strong, regain your strength through sleep and rest. He'll need you when he wakes up, just as the ship needs you now..."

"Don't you think I know that, Doctor? Chakotay, he - "

"The crew are taking turns to relieve you," the EMH interjected. "Please go to your quarters. As you can see, the Commander looks marginally improved. He's actually stirred for the first time in three days and that is at least a positive sign, Captain. Please, go now. I'll call you the minute he wakes up properly."

Kathryn Janeway hesitated. She wanted to stay, but she was needed elsewhere - in her quarters, on the bridge, everywhere. She looked again at the critically ill man. His naturally tanned skin was pallid. Even the tattoo looked faint, as if he had tried to rub it off and only traces of it remained. But the Doctor was right. Most of his body had been repaired, to a degree. Healing was going to come in small increments.

His body had been too broken when he was rescued from the wreck. Her mouth twisted in a wan smile. Chakotay had not been at the controls of the shuttle. Neelix had survived and had recovered sufficiently to take up duty in the mess hall again. Crewman Sayenne who piloted the shuttle had died in the attack. His memorial service was two days ago. How ironic it was, she thought. Chakotay had laughingly declared just before they left that he'd crashed enough shuttles in his day and that he'd leave the controls to another pilot. He had personally been training Sayenne... Even so, it wasn't anyone's fault.

Voyager had run into an unexpectedly hostile sector of space where rogue vessels - pirates in old earth times - were on the prowl for unsuspecting travellers. They had been ambushed on their way back from Atos Prime. The shuttle had crash-landed on a nearby moon and had Voyager not been in time...

Kathryn shuddered. Now Sayenne was dead and Chakotay... She sighed. His skull had been cracked open, almost every bone in his body broken with so much internal bleeding that he couldn't possibly have survived. She had been afraid to touch him, not knowing where she could touch that had not been either burned or broken or bleeding.

"His excellent constitution gave him a slight advantage, Captain. Another person would have died," were the Doctor's words after he had stabilised the comatose First Officer.

When she first saw him as he was beamed to sick bay, she had given an involuntary cry. She hardly recognised him. His uniform had been burned off his body, some parts of it meshing with his skin. Mercifully Chakotay had been unconscious. Yet even through that, his body had gone into convulsions as his burns ate rivers of pain through him. Deep in his unconscious state, Chakotay had moaned - soft, whimpering sounds that drove her insane with anxiety. What hell was there in his world of pain and darkness? What kept him from surfacing, trapping his body in a kind of limbo where he was afraid to wake up and yet made the dark hell a safe place where his pain was welcomed? It was as if he didn't want to be pulled back, yet he wanted to be there. But light meant pain. Didn't she know it herself? Being awake meant acknowledgement of a terror that consumed the body. Chakotay was the strongest man alive, none she'd ever met who was braver or more courageous. Now pain held him hostage. She knew with certainty that sometime, as his body healed, the slow process of regeneration which the Doctor couldn't fix but Chakotay's own body and natural ability to find healing within himself, that Chakotay would wake up soon. If not tonight, then tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the day after...

All she wanted, was to have him back, to see him look at her with eyes that grew soft with a divine knowledge of her feelings for him. All she wanted was to see him smile, to hear a voice that was clear, strong and free of pain. All she wanted, was to have him back with her, beside her where she knew without looking, without touching, that he was there, that she could sense his presence and feel his strength coursing through her.

"Captain..."

Kathryn looked at the doctor with eyes that gone absent and forcefully brought to the present. She bent over and pressed her lips against Chakotay's forehead - a light caress that of which Chakotay was oblivious. She gave a tired smile as she straightened up and looked at the EMH.

"Er - yes, Doctor. I'll go now. Hail me the moment Commander Chakotay regains consciousness."

Kathryn wiped a strand of hair from her face and tucked it behind her Doctor looked at her and sighed. The Captain was in need of a sedative but he knew it would be fruitless to suggest he give her one. She needed to go to her quarters and take a break. She had responsibilities... Commander Tuvok was in command on the bridge and the Captain could rest, assured that Voyager was in capable hands.

Kathryn looked one last time at Chakotay before the doctor let the dome slide back to cover the patient. He started monitoring again, making preparations for when Lieutenant Paris came on duty later. It already appeared that the doctor had forgotten the Captain was still there. Kathryn Janeway walked slowly towards the doors of sick bay, turning again to look at Chakotay. A second later the sick bay doors closed behind her and she found herself in the corridor.

END CHAPTER TWO


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

When Kathryn exited the turbolift on deck three, she was met by Tom Paris.

"How is Commander Chakotay, Captain?" he asked as he was about to enter the lift.

Kathryn sighed softly. "As well as can be expected in the circumstances, Tom. You're going on duty now, aren't you?"

"I'll keep an eye on him, Captain. I'll hail you the second the Commander opens his eyes."

"Thank you, Tom. The doctor has banned me from sick bay. He demanded I go home and rest."

"And rightly so, Captain. You've been there since he was brought in. You're needed elsewhere too."

Kathryn sighed again. She had rushed between sick bay, her quarters and the bridge without much respite for sleeping and eating since Chakotay had been beamed to Voyager. She was deadly tired although to the world she wouldn't acknowledge it.

"Well, Tom, then I won't keep you from your duty - "

"Take care, Captain. And don't worry, Marla is doing an excellent job for you."

The doors of the turbolift swished close and a second later Kathryn moved down the corridor in the direction of her quarters.

When she reached her cabin - she smiled wanly at the prospect of relaxing - she entered her codes and the door opened. Her quarters was bathed in a soft bluish hue which she liked for this time of the day. It was early evening, and at home in Indiana - the times she had gone back there after a mission or during her Academy days - it was the time of day she liked most. Early evening when peace and quiet settled around her. She felt that now as she walked into the lounge area and was met by Marla Gilmore.

"Captain! You're back at last!" Marla exclaimed.

Marla smiled broadly at Kathryn as she approached the Captain. Kathryn eyed the young former Equinox officer and asked immediately,

"Is she sleeping?"

"Oh, yes, Captain. She was fretting all evening. I think she misses the Commander. How is he, Captain?"

"As well as can be expected, Marla. Thanks again. You've been very good with Tara, you know."

"You're welcome, Captain. I've always loved children."

Kathryn moved quickly to the open section that had been the bulkhead between her quarters and Chakotay's. B'Elanna and Joe Carey had been responsible for creating the extra space and joining the two quarters. In the far corner, where Chakotay's room was, was now a small nursery, housing the crib in which Tara lay sleeping. Kathryn turned to Marla again, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. She didn't mind Marla seeing her like this, so in need of company and support. Still, she felt alone most of the time, with only Tara...dear, sweet baby Tara who was too small still to converse with her except in baby cooing sounds.

"I'll be off now, Captain. Tara's had her bath, she's just finished her bottle and I've changed her diaper. Susan has the next duty shift for when you're called to sick bay during the night. Captain - "

Kathryn had moved into Tara's room and was looking down at the sleeping child. In the soft dim of the light she could see Tara's downy black hair, warm rosy cheeks with her small fist resting against her mouth.

"Captain?"

"Yes, Marla?"

"I hope the Commander recovers soon, Captain. You - you need him..."

Kathryn looked again at Marla, saw the kindness and understanding in the younger woman's eyes and felt like crying. Struggling to hold back the tears forming in her eyes she nodded mutely and Marla, understanding that she was being dismissed by the Captain, said softly:

"Good night, Captain..."

Kathryn Janeway nodded again and only dimly heard the door of her quarters open and close. At that moment Tara opened her eyes and started fussing the moment her gaze fixed on her mother. The baby whimpered and Kathryn, who had resisted the urge to pick Tara up when she was sleeping so peacefully, now bent down and lifted the baby gently out. Tara gurgled contentedly the moment she was in her mother's arms.

"Oh, honey, did you miss Mommy?"

Tara immediately buried her face against her mother's bosom, restful again once she was in Kathryn's arms. She caressed the baby's head as she held Tara close.

"I guess you did, huh..."

As if Tara could understand, the baby lifted her face and smiled at Kathryn. Then as Kathryn watched, Tara looked around her as if she were looking, searching. Her little face crumpled and then she started crying.

"I know, Tara. You miss Daddy. Shhh... don't cry, sweetie..." Kathryn comforted the baby, pacing up and down and rocking her. Several minutes later Tara had quietened again. Kathryn took a soft blanket from the crib and threw it over the baby. She walked back to her own bed where she lay Tara down on it. She had not felt like eating and since Tara's birth she's had to cut down on coffee. She hardly missed it these days. In the first few weeks after Tara's birth, she had breastfed her baby. Kathryn sighed again. Tara's birth had been such a miracle...

Kathryn lay down on her side next to the baby, bracing herself on her elbow as she watched Tara, idly smoothing Tara's hair away from her small face. The baby had Chakotay's colouring but her lips were so rosy as if an angel herself had applied the lipstick.

"Here, see, sweetie? You're lying on Daddy's side now. Soon, when Daddy is better, I'll take you to him, okay?" Kathryn whispered in comforting, caressing tones.

It seemed as if Tara understood her. At only eight months old, Tara was still too small to understand what had happened, but she sensed her father's absence. Until the accident three days ago, Kathryn had underestimated the strength of the bond between father and child. Perhaps it was because Chakotay had always been there, a present figure that calmed, cosseted, assured, loved. Chakotay was the one who was so wonderful in getting Tara to sleep at night. He read to her stories, but most nights he simply held her in his arms and told her tales of warriors and princesses. Tara would stare at her father with wide open eyes for at least half an hour before her eyelids drooped and she fell asleep. It's why Tara had been so fractious the last three nights, Kathryn knew. Tara sensed her Daddy's absence, missed his voice...

Tara looked at her with her startling blue eyes. Tara lifted a pudgy hand that reached to touch Kathryn's mouth. Tara already sprouted two teeth and when she smiled, Kathryn's heart wanted to break.

"Sweet Tara, my eyes are all you inherited from me. You are so much your Daddy's little girl. You even have his dimples..."

Kathryn suddenly scooped the baby in her arms. "Oh, Chakotay," she whispered, "please, please get better..."

Then she cried brokenly all the time she held her baby to her.

END CHAPTER THREE

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

At 0700 hours Kathryn Janeway entered the bridge. Tuvok rose from the command chair and nodded briefly before going off duty. On his way to the turbolift he stopped to give Magnus Rollins a few last minute instructions before leaving. Tom Paris had already come on duty. He glanced back only briefly, acknowledging her presence before continuing with his work.

Kathryn sat back in her chair, her hands resting loosely on the armrests. Occasionally she looked down at the console between her chair and Chakotay's. She bit back an involuntary cry as she imagined him sitting there smiling at her.

There had always been that indefinable, intangible bond between them. He only needed to smile and she would know her worries evaporated. She heard his words, "Pain shared is pain halved, Kathryn. Don't ever think you need to bear it alone..."

Now Chakotay was in such severe pain that he remained unconscious. Kathryn felt her old powerless rage at being unable to held him. Early this morning she had gone to sick bay, but not before she had settled Tara first, waiting for Susan Nicoletti to arrive and take over caring for her baby. Tara had woken up at 0500 demanding to be bathed, fed and coddled by her mother and by the time Susan arrived Kathryn had been harried, but remained outwardly calm. It had been so difficult to hand over caring for her own baby and allowing a rotation of crewmembers into her quarters to look after Tara. Bless her baby... Tara didn't mind. She had been so used since birth that there were always people around her and very eager hands to take her everywhere on the vessel.

"Susan, thank you so much," she had said before leaving for sick bay.

"No problem, Captain. Noah's promised to take her to the holodeck and put her in a baby swing."

"Noah, huh..."

"Captain, we're friends," Susan had said, blushing at Kathryn's intuitive guess.

"He's still afraid of me," Kathryn stated.

"I know! I told him so many times not to be, Captain. He - he admires you tremendously. I can tell you that."

Tara had started to squirm in Kathryn's arms and she'd quickly handed the baby to Susan who started clucking like a hen when Tara was in her arms.

"Say bye to Mommy, sweetie. This afternoon she'll be back, okay?"

Tara had smiled, showing Chakotay's dimples. Kathryn's heart had contracted painfully. She'd kissed Tara on the forehead before she hastily exited her quarters, afraid that she'd want to remain and keep Tara tied to her all day. She entered the sick bay and showed no surprise when she noticed the EMH already busy with Chakotay. There had been no disturbances during the night, and he had what she could only term a restless sleep.

"Doctor, how is he?" she'd asked quickly as she approached the bed. It was a moot question. Chakotay looked the same as he had the day before and the day before that. His colour had not changed from the pallid to a more normal healthy sheen. His lips were dry again and she quickly dabbed a sponge to them.

"There's little change, Captain, although he seems to be breathing easier this morning. I'm administering a new painkiller. It should work, Captain. This time Seven of Nine has agreed to donate a few of her nanites. They'll be removed as soon as the Commander is out of danger - "

"Thank you, Doctor," Kathryn had said as calmly as she could, her heart contracting again at how still Chakotay lay.

"And Captain, I'll be working today to repair the damage to his optical nerves. At least, he'll have his eyesight restored to a great degree..."

Kathryn had given a sigh of relief. Chakotay's injuries had been extensive and loss of vision was just one of the problems he would have had. She touched his brow. He didn't seem to have any pain, and he'd looked almost peaceful. She'd sat down in the chair next to his bed and looked at the doctor with a question in her eyes. The doctor gave a sigh and moments later, the dome was let down. Kathryn's hand went instantly to hold Chakotay's. His hand felt warm. The past days he had run a very high fever as well, although that was contained.

"Chakotay..." her voice was hardly above a whisper and Kathryn had imagined she felt his hand move under hers.

She sat still, never taking her gaze off him, and occasionally she touched his cheek.

"Chakotay," she whispered again.

"He will open his eyes, Captain. Just be patient."

"Yes," she agreed. When she looked at the chronometer, she realised she had to leave immediately.

"Chakotay, today Susan is taking care of Tara. Our baby is in good hands, you hear me?"

There was no response as she rose from her chair, her eyes filling with tears as she took one last look at her husband.

Kathryn pulled her thoughts to the present, the bridge coming into focus again as she looked around her. There was as always a hush, a quiet efficiency among the senior officers. Chakotay might lie very ill in sick bay, but ship's business had to continue, though Kathryn was certain Chakotay's illness was on everyone's mind.

"Captain," Tom Paris said as he turned in his chair and looked at her, "Commander Chakotay has had a peaceful night."

'Thank you, Tom. I've just come from sick bay."

"He's still the same?"

"No change as yet, although Doctor is hopeful that today - "

"I understand, Captain," Tom said quickly as he saw the Captain frown. Tom glanced at Harry and nodded. Then he turned his attention to the panels in front of him. Quiet settled on the bridge again.

Everyone was aware of what was happening in sick bay, and Kathryn had a deep appreciation for their concern.

During the lunch break Kathryn hurried to her quarters. Susan was waiting for her and Tara was on the floor, sitting on her play rug with soft toys and colourful blocks and rings strewn around her.

"She's been very good, Captain," Susan said, smiling as she rose from the couch.

"Thanks, Susan," Kathryn replied. She bent and sat down on the rug. Tara was screeching happily when she saw her mother, but made no demand to be picked up. Kathryn smiled. Had Chakotay been here, Tara would have demanded a ride on his shoulders.

"I'll be in after lunch, Captain," Susan said as she prepared to leave. "Captain -"

"Yes, Susan?"

"I was wondering, if I could take Tara to the holodeck myself. I'm off duty the whole day and it would be a pleasure to keep her company. She could play with baby Jamie and Miral - "

"I'd like that, Susan. I've got so much work to catch up on and Commander Chakotay..."

"I understand, Captain. You'll be in sick bay all afternoon - "

"Yes..."

When Susan left, Kathryn touched Tara's head. The baby looked up at her and smiled. Kathryn closed her eyes briefly. It was Chakotay staring at her. Since Tara's birth she'd often wondered how a baby so small could resemble her father so closely. But it was feeding time and Tara was expressing that need as one stuffed toy aimed for the mouth and she started chewing, then offered the soggy toy to her mother.

"Tara's hungry. I know, sweetie. What shall we have today?" she asked. Kathryn didn't wait for Tara to answer in her baby gurgles as she walked to the replicator and ordered Tara's food, mindful of the doctor's strict regulations about her baby's formula. Tara had shown an early dislike for certain flavours of her cereal and banana won out every time.

The next few minutes the baby ate hungrily and by the time she was ready for her bottle, she was already drowsy. Kathryn smiled. Tara's needs were so simple. Eat and sleep. She wished she had that luxury. She rocked her baby gently until Tara was fast asleep, staring lovingly at the baby before she lay her in her crib.

Only then Kathryn ordered something for herself to eat. She settled on some sandwiches and juice, just enough that she could eat while she studied the backlog of reports she had brought down from her ready room. It was quiet in her quarters and by the time she finished two reports, an hour had gone by. She sighed. She would have liked to go down to sick bay and be with Chakotay, but she knew the Doctor would bundle her out there, saying: "There's no change in the Commander's condition, Captain."

When Susan returned, she was ready to leave. Tara was napping soundly. When the baby woke up later, Susan would be taking her to the holodeck. Kathryn left quickly and in the turbolift she hailed sick bay before she entered the bridge.

"I'll let you know as soon as there's the slightest change, Captain..." the doctor said on an exasperated sigh.

"Thank you. Janeway out."

END CHAPTER FOUR


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Susan Nicoletti sat next to Noah Lessing on a bench, joined this afternoon by B'Elanna and baby Miral. With baby Jamie, son of James Hamilton and Mariah Henley, they formed a little playgroup. The babies were in their swings and B'Elanna was deep in conversation with Mariah while Noah's eyes were constantly on the children.

Susan had never liked Noah to begin with, but she had warmed to him after watching him sitting alone at a table in the mess hall. The other four from the Equinox had soon integrated but Noah, on whom the Captain had come down the hardest, had been taciturn, hardly looking up when anyone joined him at his table in an attempt to converse with him. He had preferred being alone and until Commander Chakotay sat down next to him one day, Noah was forced to look him in the eyes. Chakotay had gone into his Maquis mode and ordered,

"You gonna sit here and mope for thirty years?"

Commander Chakotay's voice had been brusque and unsparing when he addressed Noah. Their little confrontation had been noticed immediately by the others in the mess hall, looking with eager anticipation at the prospect of the First Officer going one round with Noah Lessing who was at least a head taller, but lacked the advantage of superior rank.

"No, Commander," Noah replied without looking him in the eyes.

"Hey, look at me."

"Aye, sir, Commander..." Clear, liquid light brown eyes made contact furious black ones.

"That's better. Now the Captain might look like she could kill you again, but she is open for discussion and holds nothing against you."

"She will kill me, Commander. I don't belong here - "

"Unless you want me to deck you right now - and don't think I can't - you're gonna retract those words and rephrase them, is that clear?"

"Aye, Commander, sir!"

"Right now!"

"Aye, Commander, sir!"

"You belong here on this vessel, Noah Lessing, and Captain Janeway might be ruthless, but she is fair. Are we in agreement on that?"

There had been no response from Noah, and Susan who had been told this only three weeks ago by Noah himself, thought that Noah was still deeply regretting what they had been forced to do under Captain Ransom's command. He still felt badly about it, especially about the way he challenged Captain Janeway, how disrespectful he had been and all. But as he looked at Commander Chakotay, Noah had seen only kindness there. Yet he swore to Susan the Commander's hand was balled into a fist as if he were ready to bash Noah's brains out.

"You are a member of this crew, get that?"

"I belong here, Commander. I know my fear is unreasonable, but Captain Janeway is fair..."

"And you will integrate with the other crewmembers."

"Aye, sir. Anything you say, sir."

"That's better. Now, you gonna sit here all day or shall I ask the Captain to order you speak to the other crewmembers?"

Noah had looked around him and felt the old pain of marginalisation, a situation he knew he brought upon himself by simply imagining the crew disliked him for being an Equinox member. They were staring at him and Chakotay as if they expected the Commander to let fly with a fist any time.

After that day Noah had made a conscious attempt to mix and had even held baby Tara when she had been only a month old. Tara liked the tall crewman, and Noah was putty in the baby's hands. Susan smiled to herself. _She_ had become putty... She liked Noah. He was the first person in six years she had really liked. Always reserved herself, she had never seemed to warm to anyone romantically, even though Tom Paris had tried so hard in the beginning. It was now only Noah who knew of what had happened to her at the Academy. Noah also knew of her broken affair just before she'd joined the Equinox. Damien had promised her the moon. She found him with his moon in her home, in her bedroom. She sighed. After that, she kept herself from falling for someone again, until Noah...

"If there is anything I could do, Susan," Noah's words penetrated her thoughts, "I wish to help the Commander and the Captain. He is such a strong man, I never expected him to lie there in sick bay looking so helpless."

"I understand, but Noah, you're helping by assisting in babysitting Tara. She likes you more than any of the other male crew on board, did you know that?"

Noah looked fiercely proud for a moment, the perpetual frown on his forehead relieved by the way his face relaxed. Susan's heart warmed. Her cold hands and cold heart had found at last a safe haven in this tall, quiet man whose immense height and strength belied the gentle streak in him. In that respect he was so much like Commander Chakotay.

"I would - "

His words died in his throat as Tara began crying. Everyone looked to the swings where Tara's arms and legs were flailing. Noah was instantly there, with the others trailing behind him. He lifted the crying baby out of the swing and tried to calm her, but Tara's fractious, plaintive wailing pierced the quiet around them.

"What can be the matter, Noah?" Susan asked, her concern etched deeply on her attractive face. B'Elanna tried to take Tara from Noah, but the baby appeared inconsolable, with Noah slightly baffled as to her behaviour. He had already ascertained that she was fine physically. The swing had only swayed gently. The baby didn't knock herself anywhere.

"I don't know, Susan," he replied as he crooned to Tara, rocking her until she quietened only a little. She was sobbing now, burying her face against the burly man's chest. "I don't think she's wet. You've just changed her diaper, Susan. She's not even hungry. Shall we alert the Captain, do you think?" he asked B'Elanna, who had grabbed up Miral while Susan took care of Jamie. The two babies had started crying in sympathy with Tara and the women battled for a few moments to get them quiet. Then Susan's commbadge beeped.

"Janeway to Nicoletti - " the captain's voice sounded over the commbadge.

"Yes, Captain?"

"I'm on my way to sick bay. Could you take care of Tara for me? I'll be grateful if you could arrange it."

"Certainly, Captain," Susan replied promptly.

"Thanks. Janeway out..."

"The Captain sounded out of breath, like she's hurrying. I wonder if it's Commander Chakotay. He - "

"He has probably regained consciousness," B'Elanna surmised. She graced Noah and Susan with a huge smile before she continued, "It's about time he came to and took care of his girls..."

"Maybe that's why Tara was crying." Noah patted the baby's back, cooing again to her.

"Indeed, she sensed that her father has woken up!"

"Oh, sweet Tara," Noah whispered close to the baby's ear, "you don't know how you are saving your daddy's life - "

The baby lifted her face away from Noah's chest and looked with tear streaked eyes at the big man. She broke into a smile and bowled Noah over.

"Come, Noah, let's take her to the Captain's quarters. She has entrusted me with her codes in case of emergency. I'm certain the Captain herself will want to take Tara to see her Daddy..."

Tara squeaked with delight and Noah pressed her to him again. Susan was holding young Jamie, while B'Elanna held Miral.

"Hey, Tara, you gonna see your Daddy, you hear?" Noah instructed the baby.

"I hope the Commander gets well soon," Susan said to B'Elanna as they left the holodeck.

"We'll all breathe easier when he does. It's been touch and go and the Captain is exhausted, Susan."

"I know! Just seeing Captain Janeway again will help him speed up his recovery."

END CHAPTER FIVE


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

The EMH had a busy day. It started early morning when he had finally managed to repair the Commander's optical nerves. He'd devised the procedure while searching the database on the work done on one Geordi La Forge who was the sight-impaired engineer of the USS Enterprise. The revolutionary work done on La Forge who'd finally been able to move about without his V.I.S.O.R. had given the doctor the idea to repair the damage done to Commander Chakotay's eyes.

When he regained consciousness the Commander would be able to have vision, although it would take several days before it was fully restored. The EMH took pride in perfecting medical procedures which required original thinking and creativity. He knew with an immodest feeling that much of what he'd done in the last six years on Voyager could be regarded as revolutionary. Such landmark work could be used as forerunners in medical technology once Voyager had reached the Alpha Quadrant. He hoped that would happen soon.

At the moment, however, the comatose Commander required his attention. The doctor was optimistic that Chakotay would regain consciousness very soon. Throughout the night Chakotay had kept stirring, and moaning even though unconscious. While it was certainly great news, the EMH had not wanted to disturb Captain Janeway's much needed rest. The Captain had been in sick bay the first two days, going without sleep and tending at the same time to her small baby. Fortunately the crew had rallied magnificently, making the Captain's life easier by taking care of Tara, while her mother kept a vigil at Commander Chakotay's bedside.

When Tom Paris arrived after his duty shift on the bridge, it was afternoon, and the Commander's condition only marginally changed.

"Ah, Mr Paris, just the person I need to tend to the hypochondriacs," he said with relief as he rushed between beds to tend to the other crew who had been dripping into sick bay all morning.

"Good day to you, too, Doc. How's our patient?"

"He should regain consciousness soon, Mr Paris. I've repaired the damage to his optical nerves. You must study the procedure, Mr Paris, for future reference."

"Thanks, Doc," Paris replied as he grabbed vials and the hypospray and set about treating the crew who had come in with their unimportant ailments. "I guess Neelix has been generous with his condiments, right, Ensign Lomax?" The queasy ensign nodded just before the hypospray hit home in his neck. "There, that should do the trick. Now, get out," Tom said, smiling at the ensign, who just shook her head before sliding of the bed and headed for the exit.

The EMH gave an exaggerated sigh. He was convinced they could have treated themselves instead of coming in to sick bay and waste his time. Even Lieutenant Paris had been irritable after treating the tenth case of diarrhoea and queasiness. Neelix had overdone the dressing for the salad. The doctor was inclined to think that their ailments were superficial, borne out of curiosity to see how Commander Chakotay was doing, since all of them marched over to the Commander's bed first just to look at him, shake their heads before they settled on one of the other beds to think up their bogus ailments.

He had to give them their due. Not a crewmember was there on board Voyager who had not expressed concern for the Commander and the Captain. The Captain had been too tired last night, the shadows under her eyes deepening as she refused to leave his bedside. Then he'd successfully managed to get her to rest. Chakotay was not going anywhere.

That officer was still lying motionless, but earlier, when there had been a lull in the traffic in sick bay, there had been a slight stirring. He could see it in the way the Commander's eyeballs appeared to move under his closed eyelids. That indicated that the officer would very likely become conscious soon. By which time, hopefully, the doctor would he able to get rid of the hypochondriac crew and work with a patient who was still on his critical list and in need of critical high care.

"Ah, Mr Paris, so glad to see we've managed to clear the sick bay for the really sick..."

"I guess so, Doc. They just want to wish Commander Chakotay well, Doc. Can't blame them. They want to see the Warrior recover and give them hell like they're used to. Why, even Dalby is wishing to be decked again! It's been almost four days and not a stirring from Chakotay. It's time he woke up, don't you think?"

"I think, Mr Paris. I also think that despite modern medicine, and the fact that I could get him out of his

comatose state with a hypospray, he should regain consciousness naturally. While he is sleeping, his body heals, and that is what the Commander needs at this time."

The doctor had been moving about briskly between monitors and the main biobed and kept an eagle eye on the Commander's condition.

"He's suffered excruciating pain. It must be hell."

"I guarantee you, Mr Paris, that Commander Chakotay is not normally a squeamish man. The fact that we've heard him constantly moaning while in a state of deep unconsciousness shows just how severe his trauma must be." 

"I know! Down there in the tunnels of Ocampa he'd broken his leg and he continued to talk as if he didn't experience a major fracture."

"You saved his life that day, Mr Paris, even as I understand that the Commander was ill disposed towards you - "

"I...er, well," Paris coughed and cleared his throat, "I wasn't a very noble man up until that time, Doc."

"That is certainly a matter of perspective, Lieutenant. I'll not go into that. I can see you're somewhat embarrassed. But heroic deeds are not always seen as outward manifestations of physical gallantry, such as you've done with the Commander on Ocampa. A small decision, one that could ultimately land you in jail, could be personally heroic."

"Ah, yes, I guess so," Paris said, glad that the embarrassing moment was over. He hadn't wanted to rake up Caldik Prime. That was all water under the bridge. He'd done something wrong and atoned. He believed his debt was paid in full. Now married to B'Elanna, with a small baby to care for, he felt he life was rewarded. He had no need to be reminded of the past.

"Mr Paris..."

"Doc?"

"Look!" The doctor's eyes were on the patient and Paris followed his gaze. They saw Chakotay's fingers move, they saw the way his eyeballs shifted under his closed eyelids. Chakotay moaned deeply, moved his head in the direction of the voices.

The doctor immediately hit his commbadge.

"Sick bay to the Captain."

"Yes, Doctor?"

Kathryn Janeway's voice sounded agitated as she responded, as if she had been waiting all afternoon for the Doctor's hail.

"I think you had better come down to sick bay, Captain. I have reason to think the Commander is about to regain consciousness...


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Kathryn Janeway found the empty chair next to her on the bridge too much to bear. Too often her gaze there and every time she half expected him to say, "You have a ship to run, Kathryn" whenever she was deep in thought.

His absence had become an ache in her. Why was it so different when he had gone on short missions, away for several days at a time? Was it because there had always been constant contact between them? Was it because every time he vowed "I'll be back in your arms, my love," that she had found the sustenance that could keep her going until he materialised on the transporter pad? On those occasions she had given little attention to the transporter chief and allowed Chakotay to hug her so tightly to him that she'd hardly be able to breathe. Then his next words would always be, "Has Tara been good this time, Kathryn?"

His wife and baby daughter remained his primary concern. They meant the world to him, especially since the harrowing period around Tara's birth. She had come to him late, admitted her feelings for him late, and when she had, only then tasted the glory of freedom to express her feelings for him.

And Chakotay had been there every step of the thorny way when she had been so full of pride, putting duty before love and personal happiness. He taught her to be unafraid, to be herself. She'd blossomed, her old fear flying away in the wind that the crew might think her weak or lacking in control when she realised that they supported her. She had given away her reserve and tasted first hand the love of a man who was willing to wait for her.

She missed him. The last few nights her bed had been empty, and most of the time she had woken in the middle of the night with a gasp, her hand going instinctively to his side, feeling the empty space, the undented pillow. She'd lie there and let the tears seep through her fingers into the bedding. Then she'd get up, made sure Tara was sleeping soundly, activated the baby transponder that monitored Tara's breathing and headed for the sick bay. There Chakotay would lie, his condition unchanged, but she would sit and hold his hand. She had been too stunned, robbed of any kind of words to comfort him, except hold his hand and hoping that her touch would help calm the torturous fire that plagued his body.

The night before he left on his short mission they had lain in each other's arms, sated after their lovemaking.

"When I return, Kathryn, we'll do more of this, understand?"

His voice had been gruff with emotion. She'd responded by kissing him. They hadn't been intimate for more than a week because Tara had taken to waking in the middle of the night, demanding her Daddy play with her. Kathryn had spent several nights in a row working on reports until very late. Besides, she had been unwell and somehow the days had just gone by when they had been too busy to take some time out, to spare a moment in which they could just take a step back and enjoy each other's company. But the night before he left they made up for time lost. Their hunger had been raw and elemental.

Afterwards he had been so tender with her. Mercifully, Tara had been Miral's sleeping partner for the night, Tom and B'Elanna agreeing to baby-sit her while she and Chakotay enjoyed an evening free.

"I missed you, sweetheart," Chakotay murmured into her hair, his hands still caressing her body, the aftermath of their lovemaking still tender and glorious and tingling.

"I missed you too, more than you can imagine," she'd replied. When she kissed his tattoo he grabbed her wrist and pulled her so that she straddled him. Kathryn shook her head thinking how quickly he had become aroused again.

"Oh? Is that why you let me be wild and wonderful when I did this? And this?"

"Honey, it's time you served under me for a change..." she breathed throatily against his neck. It had been an ongoing source of mirth between them. In their quarters it was what she preferred in their lovemaking. She enjoyed serving under him, and Chakotay enjoyed the control. It was inevitable that he would repeat their lovemaking. Yes, she had missed her husband, missed his nearness, his touches, his voice, his presence.

"When you return, we'll take some time out, I promise, Chakotay. A few days, as soon as we've reached a friendly planet."

They had talked of their much needed shore leave, and he had spoken of spending more time with the two of them. For a baby that had been born at eight months, Tara was growing like a weed. She needed to see her father out of uniform more often too. Kathryn smiled inwardly. Tara easily recognised the colour red. Most of her toys were red. Her parents were in red, almost all the time.

Chakotay, Neelix and Sayenne had gone. Sayenne was dead, Neelix recovered and Chakotay, Chakotay's uniform had burned into his flesh. She gave a shudder as she remembered the broken body, the open skull, the burns.

"For us, Chakotay," she murmured softly, "please get well."

Kathryn almost jumped from her chair when her commbadge beeped and the doctor hailed her.

"I think you had better come down to sick bay, Captain..."

"I'm on my way, Doctor," she said quickly, then ordered that Tuvok take the bridge.

When the turbolift doors closed behind her, she expelled a deep sigh as she rested against the bulkhead and closed her eyes. Her heart thumped wildly at the prospect of seeing Chakotay able to open his eyes at last, look at her and tell her everything will be alright.

"Oh, Chakotay..."

He remembered burning and being thrown against a bulkhead with such force that he could hear his skull crack open. After that pain was never-ending, a war against his consciousness that continued unabated with a fury that convinced him he was burning in hell. He tried to move away from the pain, find the darkness where he could wrap himself cocoon-like in a protective shell, for there the pain could not reach him. Every time he found a such a haven of shadowy depths, the pain would break through like a silent thief. It would terrorise his new-found sanctuary until it was so relentless he was forced to crawl out and scream, searching until he reached another sanctuary.

There were always voices. Hazy sounds that never quite made it to his consciousness, touches on his body that made him cry out when he felt the burning all over again. Yet he was unable to open his eyes, or to voice his need, tell whoever it was whose voice and hands touched him to take him out of his hell.

Often, there would be light, and he'd reach for it, then he tried to open his eyes. Struggling to do so, he simply chose the easy way out and succumbed to the darkness again and again.

Now the voices beckoned him. This time he knew if he tried really hard, he'd be able to move past the banks of excruciating pain, open his eyes and see the owner of one voice. Somehow his eyelids felt less heavy and he moved his eyeballs, relieved that for the moment there was little pain bearing down on him. He groaned with the effort anyway as he clutched the sheet.

"The Commander is waking up," a voice said sharply. It was tinged with excitement. What was happening?

"Yes, Doctor. Any moment now he'll open his eyes..." another voice replied. It was a voice he recognised.

"Come on, Chakotay, old man, you've slept long enough. Time to wake up..."

Wake up? How long had he been sleeping? He groaned as waves of pain hit him suddenly, his fingers gripping the sheet tighter. The pain swirled and swirled and created a dizzy vortex that momentarily took him back into the darkness.

'We're losing him, Doctor!"

"Don't worry. It's only temporary. There, see? He's coming to again. Easy now, Chakotay..."

Light was only a sensory element away as he lifted his eyelids. He blinked, once, twice.

"Come on, big guy, you can do it..."

Paris? It was the voice of Paris? Chakotay tried to move his lips. They felt dry, his tongue caking against his palate. Shadows moved. Were they persons, figures hovering over him? Wondering whether he was still in that burning hell, he tried to move his hands. They felt heavy, but his fingers curled around something. Another hand, maybe? He couldn't determine that, but the figure became more distinct, clear.

Chakotay's eyes opened and slowly the figure staring down at him came into focus, closing in from a distant fog into clear shape.

Colour. Starfleet Command red. The face... Tom Paris...?

Chakotay's eyes connected with Tom's. There was an awful, stunned silence as his throat worked to utter a sound, his lips moved to form a word...words...

"Welcome, back, Commander..." Tom said, his face breaking into a smile.

"You...!"

"Commander?"

Chakotay turned his head and looked around him, disoriented as the sick bay and monitors, other beds, a strange man in blue uniform came into focus. He tried to speak again, but at that moment another person had reached him.

Kathryn Janeway had run from the sick bay doors to the biobed, pushing Tom and the doctor out of the way as her hands covered Chakotay's.

"Chakotay!"

He stared at her. Rich auburn hair. There were tears in her eyes. Command red. Four pips. He frowned. Who was she?

"Chakotay!" she cried his name again.

"How - how do you know my name...?"

END CHAPTER SEVEN


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Amnesia.

They had never considered it.

Chakotay stared at Kathryn Janeway, confused. He didn't know her yet she seemed distraught. She'd retreated about two steps before Tom's hand on her shoulder steadied her. Her gaze shifted from him to the Doctor, her eyes swimming with tears.

"Where...am...I...?" he asked.

It was the doctor who stepped forward.

"You are on the Federation vessel, USS Voyager, Chakotay." It was immediately apparent that the Doctor didn't call him 'Commander'.

"I've been captured?" he asked, the voice slow, hoarse as he fixed his gaze on Kathryn Janeway again, then pointing to Tom Paris.

"Why - is that - mercenary in uniform?"

"Commander," the Doctor started and sick as he was, Chakotay caught on to that.

"Commander? I'm Maquis, not Starfleet. Not...anymore..."

"Captain, perhaps you should return later?"

"No, Doctor. Commander Chakotay is obviously suffering from memory loss."

"You were sent to capture me?" he asked, then suddenly he cried out as he succumbed to the pain again.

The Doctor, Tom and Kathryn Janeway watched stunned as Chakotay's eyes closed again.

"What the hell is happening, Doctor?"

"Well, Captain, if he doesn't know who _you_ are, I'd say his last recollections must be while in the Badlands - "

"He hates me..." Tom said abstractedly.

"And, he has lost almost seven years of his life..." the Doctor added.

"He hates me..." Tom whispered again, his eyes suddenly flashing with a kind of fear.

"He doesn't know me," Kathryn Janeway said with quiet despair. "He doesn't know that - that..." Her face creased as she battled to hold back the tears.

"I'm sorry, Captain," the Doctor said as he turned to face her.

She stepped forward to touch Chakotay's cheek, her palm resting for long moments against his pallid skin. Then she gave a soft sob, turned on her heels and hastily left the sick bay.

Tom wanted to run after her, but the Doctor held him back.

"We'll call her later, Mr Paris. We have to establish a few things first. It's clear alright that the Commander knows who he is, but about six and half years of his life have been wiped out. He hates you, doesn't recognize the captain at all. I'd say that places him in the Badlands with one Gul Evek hot on his tail. I can't say for certain that those memories will come back, but right now we need to set about making things comfortable for the Commander and ensure that none of the new things or knowledge he will encounter over the next few days will come as too much of a shock to him..."

"Doctor," Tom responded, "I don't think you realise just how much of a shock it's going to be. He has never been well-disposed towards me, even when I saved his life on Ocampa! Always hated my guts. That his life belongs to me will mean squat. He's deadly ill, but he looked ready to kill me."

"Mr Paris, you may be the last of his problems. He has no idea who Captain Janeway is. Ostensibly he has never met her, or known of her."

"Hell, that's true, Doc. He doesn't know he's the First Officer of this vessel."

"Or, that he's in the Delta Quadrant."

" _Married_ to the Captain, for God's sake..."

The two men looked again at the patient, relieved for the moment that he was sleeping. They had a problem which had to be worked at very quickly, and the only person to guide them through this was the woman Chakotay was married to. The woman who was his wife, and mother of his little baby girl.

"What can be done about his condition, Doc?" Tom asked as he stood, hands on his hips.

"While he's sleeping, nothing yet. But I'll be going through the database, see what I can come up with."

"How long will this condition last?"

"It's hard to say. Even I can't tell you that, Mr Paris. Now, shall we get on with our work?"

Tom gave a sigh. He'd have to tell B'Elanna as soon as he went off duty. But he reckoned that the Captain would hold and emergency briefing meeting. Most probably, once she's calmed down, she'd be back in sick bay to speak with the doctor before she comes to any decision. He felt sorry for the Captain. Her eyes had gone from high expectation, shining as she realised Chakotay was awake at last, to utter distress when he didn't recognise her. Tom shook his head. It was much, much harder on her than anyone else on board. What was Chakotay going to say when he learns that half his crew died when they were whisked to the Caretaker's Array, that his remaining crew merged with Voyager?

"Commander," Tom whispered, "I don't envy Captain Janeway her position..."

She stumbled out of sick bay, unable to control the despair that washed over. She had gone in a few moments from being the Captain of the vessel, a woman, wife and mother to the most important man in her life, to being someone Chakotay didn't recognise at all. It was not just a simple case of being completely disoriented after lying four days in a coma, but Chakotay's confusion had been real, too real for them not to realise the implications of his type of amnesia. She had read many times of individuals who had lost years of their lives, not just the total amnesia of not knowing your own identity. Perhaps that would have been more merciful, then they would have been able to lead him more gradually, gently to an understanding of his situation and the manner in which he had touched the lives of others.

Chakotay's amnesiac condition meant that all his recollections, all his old biases against the Federation, his dislike of Tom, of Tuvok, would be reverted to and none of the growth he had experienced would count for anything. In fact, none of his experiences in the last almost seven years that allowed him to evolve to the man who was Voyager's First Officer and her husband, would count. He'd have to learn of those experiences. How long this current condition would last was impossible to tell.

She was still shivering by the time she reached her quarters. Straightening up, she entered her codes. She knew Susan was waiting for her so that she could go off duty.

"Captain!" Susan exclaimed as she walked quickly to meet Kathryn just as Kathryn stood inside her doorway. "Is everything alright? Captain?"

When Tara saw her mother she starting crying immediately, leaning over towards Kathryn, almost pitching out of Susan's arms. Kathryn crooned for a few seconds until Tara had calmed down.

"Is everything alright, Captain?" Susan repeated her question.

Kathryn gave a deep sigh, kissed Tara on her forehead before she looked at Susan.

"Susan, until I give the official word on it later tonight, you are to tell no one as yet." Kathryn smiled wanly. "Not even Noah..."

Susan's eyes widened. She knew something wrong with Commander Chakotay.

"The Commander, Captain? He isn't - ?"

"No, Susan, not as drastic," Kathryn stated. "Commander Chakotay is suffering from amnesia - "

"Captain?"

"He has no recollection of the last six and a half years of his life, Susan." Kathryn Janeway held Tara closer to her as she said the words, buried her face against her baby for a few agonising moments. Susan thought that Captain was about to burst into tears, but when the Captain looked at her again, her eyes were red, like she was on the verge but fought against weeping.

"Captain...?" Susan whispered. "I'm awfully sorry to hear that, Captain. I - I won't say anything until you've informed everyone..."

"Thank you, Susan. Dismissed," she added softly.

"Aye, Captain."

When the door closed behind Susan, Kathryn held Tara close to her while she gave a few wracking sobs. It was all Tara needed to cry again and she started wailing plaintively as Kathryn walked to her bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. Minutes later she dried her tears.

"Oh, sweet Tara, how am I going to tell your Daddy about you?"

TBC

READERS PLEASE NOTE: The wrong part was uploaded for ch. 9 so I deleted it. The new chapter 9 will be up shortly. Thanks so much.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Later that evening, after Sam Wildman had come to fetch Tara for the night, Kathryn made her way to sick bay again. The doctor had been terse when he called her minutes earlier.

"Captain, Commander Chakotay is awake. He wishes to see you."

With a thundering heart she'd made her way to sickbay, with no idea what to expect. She knew, however, that before the night was out Chakotay needed to hear the truth about his lost years.

"Thank you, Doctor. I'm on my way - "

"I must warn you, Captain, he appears in a belligerent mood. He believes he's still a renegade caught by a Federation vessel..."

"Doctor, he was a renegade caught by a Federation vessel."

"I am absolutely certain you know precisely what I meant, Captain."

"As you yourself said, Commander Chakotay must be told the truth, however unpalatable it is for him."

"Be prepared to answer a lot of questions. I have been able to ward him off for now, Captain."

"Thank you - "

"And Captain, for what it's worth, the Commander is going to recover sooner now that he's awake. He's already insisted he wanted to get up, get his people together and get off this Federation vessel..."

"I understand. Janeway out."

"He hates me, B'Elanna," Tom said in an almost peevish tone. He was holding a squirming Miral who found great interest in removing his pips.

"Just maybe it's a good thing. Things have never come to a head between you two since he called you a mercenary. Boy, he almost had your number then - "

"B'Elanna! You know as well as I do that so much has changed in the last six and a half years! Chakotay has changed. I've changed. Hell, there's not a crewman on this vessel who is the same as he was when we joined forces - "

"Oh, yeah? And now you are saying Chakotay is virtually back to square one?"

"Yeah. And boy, is he fuming..."

B'Elanna laughed. It was a bright, bell-like sound which alerted Miral who turned her attention to her mother.

"Chakotay? Tom, his life belongs to you. He told me so himself - "

"Only he doesn't remember that, B'Elanna - " Tom paused for a minute, allowing B'Elanna to take Miral from him. B'Elanna sat down on the couch, settled Miral on her lap and smiled as the child grabbed the bottle and started suckling.

"Hmmm? What is it, Tom?"

"I think it's really bad, B'Elanna. His only remembers his life up to the attack in the Badlands. He - Chakotay is under the impression the Liberty was attacked by the Cardassians. He believes Gul Evek destroyed his ship and handed Chakotay over to Federation authorities - "

"Under Captain Janeway - "

"Yeah. Captain Janeway who was sent in the first place to capture him, who happens to be his wife and mother of his child, B'Elanna."

"Oh, great Kahless! How is he going to react to that?"

Tom gave a deep sigh and scratched his head as if he were searching for an answer.

"Do you realise, B'Elanna, that he might harbour the impression he is still Seska's lover?"

"And that means, Tom, he's not going to be a happy camper when he learns of Seska's betrayal, that Maquis and Starfleet have become bedfellows..."

"In more ways than one, honey. _We_ got married, _he's_ married to the Captain and Mariah Henley married James Hamilton..."

B'Elanna gave a sigh. "Will you stop pacing, Tom? I'm pretty certain we'll have a briefing later and then we'll know exactly how to handle one very irate Commander who thinks he's still a renegade and - and..."

" - who doesn't know that the Maquis have been wiped out and the rest rotting in Federation prisons..."

"Yeah..." B'Elanna said softly, her eyes growing tender as she looked up at Tom. "Yeah..." she repeated.

"I'm sorry, honey..."

"It's alright, Tom. We'll get through this crisis. The Captain needs us now, more than ever."

"You're dead right."

Kathryn Janeway paused for a full minute in front of the sick bay doors. She took a deep breath and rebuked herself for feeling so anxious about meeting Chakotay. It was a new Chakotay, still in his old body but with a mind that turned back the clock more than six years. She had seen this afternoon his reaction to Tom, and the terrible feeling of déjà vu she experienced when he said "How do you know my name?" still lingered fiercely when she recalled how he had said those very words the first time she had laid eyes on him.

She had known of him then, and he had not known her. That day she had had the advantage and the way he looked at her then still sent shivers down her spine. Even then and despite her persistent denial to the contrary, she had sensed that their lives would somehow become connected. Their destinies would join and they'd walk a path together no matter how many thorns lay on it.

She sensed then, had been stupid too long not to acknowledge it, that it would be his strength that would carry her, his love that would sustain her, and his support that would help her make worthy decisions for her ship and crew. She felt the fear that she'd have to spend the rest of her life rebuilding that relationship that had come with so much difficulty to her, especially the last three years. She feared that she'd not have the strength to fight again.

That he didn't know who she was, was the first shock. It instantaneously cut through any misgiving that he was just normally disoriented after four days in a coma when he came to and looked at the three of them. His reaction first to Tom - there was a deep glare of hatred in Chakotay's eyes as he recognised Tom - and then his words to her, all but obliterated her hope that it was simple disorientation. She realised at once that some part of his memory had been suppressed. That it went as far back as the Badlands was the first shock. Chakotay had no idea of the strides he himself had been responsible for on Voyager. It was his task to ensure that the two crews bonded into one Starfleet crew. It was his tireless effort to see that the ship ran smoothly.

She had yet to tell him that he was Voyager's first officer. After that... Kathryn sighed as she opened the doors and entered. She walked with measured steps to the biobed where Chakotay lay, now awake and more alert than he had been this afternoon before he sank into a deep sleep again. She approached his bed slowly.

They stared at one another for several minutes. The doctor coughed somewhere in the background and Kathryn nodded, smiling grimly when he went offline. She hadn't looked at the doctor then, her eyes still on the quiet man who stared at her without blinking.

I love this man. He's my first officer. He's my husband and Tara's father. I must remember his love for me. I must remember that Chakotay is ill; he is not himself. I must remember that this man who looks at me as the stranger I am to him, is the man who vowed his everlasting love and loyalty to me.

Kathryn gave a soft sob and hoped that he didn't hear her. He looked at her with such blank eyes, eyes that held no recognition. Her heart bled...

"Hello, Chakotay," she said softly as she pulled up a chair and sat down.

"Captain Janeway..."

Kathryn wanted to die.

"Please, call me Kathryn."

"Do I know you?" he asked.

She nodded her head. She saw how his hand trembled and wanted to cover it with hers, offer him comfort and suddenly, she was afraid to touch him.

"What happened to me, Captain Janeway?" He ignored her earlier injunction.

"You were critically injured in a shuttle accident..." She didn't want to tell him yet that Sayenne was at the controls and died during their crash-landing.

"I was on my own vessel, Captain Janeway," he said with so much conviction that Kathryn's heart wanted to tear from her.

"No, Chakotay. The Liberty was destroyed. You were on the Orinoco, one of Voyager's type 6 shuttles."

"I - I am Maquis, Janeway."

Kathryn rose from the chair and walked to one of the monitors where she picked up a medical tricorder. When she returned she held the tricorder up so that he could see the readings on it. He was Starfleet, the tricorder didn't lie.

"The stardate, Commander Chakotay. Can you read the stardate?"

Kathryn Janeway's heart wanted to break. Chakotay stared so long at the date that she thought he'd lose consciousness again. His eyes, the way his facial muscles had been drawn when she came in, had given him the hard look she remembered from their early days when they were still in the vicinity of the Caretaker's Array. Her heart sank at the thought that she might not penetrate that hardness again. And now, staring at the date, she knew that he was turning information in his mind. He knew he was on a Federation vessel. He knew he had been injured in a crash, but the crash had become part of his dream state where he was back on the Liberty. Perhaps that had been why his memory stopped at that point. Chakotay lay motionless as she held the tricorder and when he at last looked at her, she wanted to haul him up from the bed and hug him to pieces. He looked so confused!

This was Chakotay, her warrior, her husband who had no problem sharing control with her, who reveled in making love with her, who played with Tara and who told her stories of an Angry Warrior. This man looked suddenly totally lost.

She put the tricorder back and looked at him again.

"Tell me," he said hoarsely.

"You've lost about six and a half years of your memory, Chakotay..."

"What am I doing here, on this vessel, Captain Janeway?"

"Chakotay, you are the First Officer of this ship..."

"I am Maquis, Captain Janeway."

"Chakotay, almost seven years ago, on stardate 48315.6 you used the Liberty to destroy an enemy vessel. By that time you'd lost half of your crew and Voyager lost of her key officers and crewmen. We joined our crews - "

"Captain Janeway, where are we?"

"We're in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay..."

"The - the Delta Quadrant? But - but that is on the - the other side..."

"...of the galaxy. And you are the First Officer of this vessel."

Kathryn noticed how Chakotay's speech started to slur. He was tiring himself and she knew that within a minute he'd be sleeping again. Already his eyelids began to droop. He closed his eyes and she thought he had fallen asleep, until he spoke again.

"Tell me, Kathryn Janeway, are we friends?"

She was quiet so long that when she did answer him, she was certain that he didn't hear her.

Yes, Chakotay. We are more than friends. Much, much more than that...

END CHAPTER NINE


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

The emergency briefing meeting had gone better than Kathryn Janeway expected. While the senior officers had all been aware to a certain degree of Chakotay's condition and the latest development, the rest of the ship's crew still had to be informed. They'd all been quiet while they listened to the Doctor outlining the nature of Chakotay's amnesia.

"The condition is indefinite," the EMH stated. "There's no knowing whether it will be corrected tomorrow, or in a year's time."

"Never, perhaps?" Seven of Nine asked bluntly.

"That is possible, Seven, but we must remain optimistic that it can be reversed," he answered quickly.

"It means then that Commander Chakotay believes for example, Mr Paris still to be in a correctional facility," Tuvok said.

"You know, Tuvok, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were teasing..." Tom said, then he winced as B'Elanna kicked him on the shin.

"It means that he still bears you ill, Mr Paris."

"I've already been at the receiving end of it, Tuvok."

Tom looked unhappy as he spoke, the prospect of dealing with a First Officer who remembered only that he was a mercenary and not a changed man, very daunting.

"You must understand, Tuvok," Captain Janeway added quietly, "that your position is tenuous as well. You were on his vessel under cover - "

"There, see?"

"I...see," Tuvok replied, looking as impassive as ever.

"Doctor, when do you think Commander Chakotay will be mobile?"

"Captain, now that he's regained consciousness, he'll be in sick bay at least a week before I'll actually allow him to wander about the ship unattended," the doctor replied.

"What you mean, Doc, is that you don't want Commander Chakotay to learn things too suddenly. Things that could be a greater shock for him than we might anticipate." Tom folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair.

"That is correct. You must understand that Commander Chakotay will not recognise any of the Starfleet crew, and will be asking questions about the Maquis aboard his own ship - "

"Doctor and I have decided that we'll break it gradually to him in the week that he'll still be in sick bay. He'll be studying the ship's logs and other vital crew information," Kathryn said as she looked at Tom. "The Commander has already been informed that he is the First Officer of this vessel - "

"Captain? How did he take to that?" Neelix asked.

Kathryn Janeway sighed. She threaded her fingers in a gesture Tom thought was nervous.

"He...insisted he's Maquis. He is disoriented, Tom. It..."

"Captain, we'll help all we can," Tom offered, sensing how difficult it had to be for her.

"Thank you, Tom. I appreciate that you want to help. It's just..." she paused for several minutes while the rest of the senior officers waited for her to speak. "I don't know how I am going to tell him about the personal aspects of his life..."

"Captain, it is perhaps the most humane thing to tell him immediately. He will want to know once he's studied all the logs," Tuvok said.

"Yes...yes, I know that. In the meantime, I am delaying as far as I possibly can until it cannot be avoided. Hopefully by that time it won't come as too much of a shock to him..."

"Then I guess, he's yours, Captain," Tom said in an attempt at levity. Kathryn Janeway smiled and closed her eyes briefly.

"That will be all. Dismissed," she said softly.

She remained in her seat for several minutes after they left. Her thoughts went to Chakotay. She had stayed with him until he slept soundly and then allowed herself to touch him, caress his cheek, his forehead, and for a few minutes just held his hand.

It was so strange. In his sleep his fingers had curled around hers and for a moment she wanted to believe that he was fine, that his memory was restored. Somewhere in his subconscious he must recognise her touch, even her scent. It was a hope, albeit a vain one, but she wanted to cling to that. She wondered how he would take the news that he was married, how his reaction would be when he saw Tara.

She gave a sigh. Sometime, she'd have to tell him. He had to know, even if he didn't remember. What he wasn't going to learn from the ship's database and some inadvertent uttering from the crew, he would find out, through her, through the doctor.

"Captain, he'll have to be assigned quarters," the EMH said before she'd left sickbay. She had already thought of that and knew that until he was ready, he'd have to be somewhere else, on the same deck, maybe, but not immediately in their own quarters. She had to have the strength to ward off a thousand more question about why two quarters had been converted into a larger living arrangement for a Captain and First Officer. On the other hand, it might just be better if Chakotay knew immediately where their quarters were... The vacant cabin next to his was perhaps just a temporary measure.

"I understand, Doctor. The quarters next to his own had always been vacant. He'll be there until I - "

She had not wanted to pursue that conversation further and the EMH had nodded, his eyes looking for once sympathetic. She sighed as she rose from her seat and entered the bridge. She sat down in the command chair, her eyes going instinctively to the empty chair beside her.

He knew the moment he woke and saw the doctor scurrying around that it was probably morning. His moved his hands, saw that he could lift them. When he raised them to touch his temple, a sudden wave of pain hit him and he cried out. The EMH didn't seem to notice he was awake.

Chakotay had a raging thirst and for a split second he felt something like a hand, gentle and soft, touching his mouth and dabbing a sponge there.

"Water..." he croaked as he tried to lift himself.

"Good morning, Commander," the doctor said. The EMH had moved to the biobed and now hovered over Chakotay.

"Doctor...?"

"I am an emergency medical hologram," the EMH offered. "I don't have a name."

"I...see."

The EMH moved away as he spoke and when he turned to face Chakotay again, he had small glass of water. Here..." he said as he lifted Chakotay's head slightly and allowed him to drink from the glass. Chakotay's face still had the sallow, sickly look and while most of his burnt skin had been regenerated, there was still some tingling of pain, as if his nerve endings remembered what he couldn't.

"Tell me - about - the Captain," Chakotay asked as he lay back, beads of perspiration forming on his forehead.

"She will be here shortly, Commander."

He had difficulty understanding being called Commander. His last recollection was of being attacked by that Cardassian dog Gul Evek and the next moment he found himself on Voyager. He believed he was a fugitive, a hardened freedom fighter and Maquis cell leader. Now he was on a Federation vessel and he'd been told that he had been on this vessel for more than six years. Seeing the stardate listed on the tricorder last night had given him a shock. He was confused, disoriented and utterly at the mercy of a woman he didn't know. One moment he was thrown against the bulkhead of his vessel and the next moment he was on Voyager, more than six years later. All the events he experienced, every act and action that had an impact on either Kathryn, or members of the crew, all work he had done on this vessel, a mystery to him, as if it never happened. It was a gaping chasm that appeared impossible to bridge, and Kathryn might be the only one with a key to unlocking the mystery. She had looked at him with expectation in her eyes, as if she expected him to recognise her.

He sighed. He was supposed to know her. If he had been her First Officer for so long, he had to know her well, perhaps more than well. He couldn't recall that she had given him an answer last night when he asked if they were friends. He had been friends with his captain on his previous Federation vessel before his resignation, so it was reasonable to assume that he and Captain Janeway could be close friends on Voyager if they had been in this quadrant for more than six years.

She was beautiful. Petit and beautiful. Last night, even through his pain he could see that her eyes looked sad. Was the sadness for him?

Chakotay tried to lift himself again and groaned when the pain forced him down. He turned his head, saw that there were no other patients in sick bay. Did they vanish for his benefit? He must be on a very modern vessel, he thought. Very modern. Mostly greys and blues, steel and chrome... Even the doctor was a figment, collection of photon particles, doctor with no name...

He closed his eyes and must have dozed off. When he opened them again she was sitting there, his hand in hers. She didn't speak, just kept stroking the back of his hand.

"You are sad...Captain..."

He heard her give a sigh, and he amended his address, "Kathryn..."

"You have been very badly injured, Chakotay," she said softly.

"Is that why you are sad?" he asked.

She was quiet so long that he wondered if she heard him, or whether she wanted to reply to him.

"Are we friends, Kathryn?" he repeated his question of the previous night.

"Yes. Yes...we are."

"You are crying, Kathryn. Please...don't cry..." He hardly knew how he could have this desire to wipe her tears and tell her not to cry. He didn't want her to be sad. How was it possible that he could feel like this?

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. It's just that I'm glad to see you're looking better."

"But I don't remember you, Kathryn. I know I'm supposed to and I know now that we must have shared something close. How can that be better than not knowing of a part of my life that is important to me?"

"We thought you wouldn't make it. The first two days, it was...very bad..."

"Kathryn, I want to remember you. There must have been things...there are things...I had this dream, that someone held my hand and spoke to me in soft tones."

She had been there round the clock the first forty eight hours. Members of the crew rotated taking care of a fractious baby who missed her father. Kathryn wanted to set him at ease.

"We're friends, remember?"

"Then you will help me put together the pieces of the puzzle?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Tell me..."

"Chakotay," she said on a sigh, "as soon as you are able to walk about, you have access to the ship's logs and database - "

"And between the lines, Kathryn Janeway? What will I read between the lines?"

"I hope you'll not be too shocked, Chakotay."

"Or surprised, Kathryn?"

She nodded and gave him a watery smile. When he smiled back, Kathryn's eyes closed.

"What is it, Kathryn?"

Her eyes had a wistful look in them.

"I missed you, Chakotay..."

Her hand covered his. It was warm; he felt comforted, as if her hand belonged there.

"Help me..."

"You must rest. We need you to get strong again."

"You will help me?"

"Yes..."

END CHAPTER TEN


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

When next Chakotay woke up, another day had passed. He felt stronger and the burning pain in his chest had subsided. The doctor had been all over him, but declared finally:

"The rest is up to you, Commander."

Chakotay had fallen asleep again and every time he opened his eyes, Kathryn was there. He was beginning to look forward to seeing her every morning, and in the evenings especially, she stayed until his eyes became so heavy with sleep he couldn't keep them open anymore. He didn't question yet that she appeared tired, with dark circles under her eyes, or that she sometimes looked harried as the sick bay doors opened and she walked briskly over to his bed.

She filled him in on the accident and his injuries. He became very quiet when she told him that one crewmember had died.

"Kathryn, I - " He found it difficult to express his grief, because he couldn't remember the accident, nor did he know Ensign Sayenne.

"Don't, don't be distressed. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have - "

"No, it's alright. Tell me about how we met then, will you?"

Kathryn smiled, her eyes became warm, soft at the memory.

"How do you know my name?"

"What?"

"That's what you said the first time I addressed you - "

"M-More than six years ago..."

"Yes," she whispered.

"I said that the first time I woke up," he said reflectively. "Déjà vu?"

Kathryn nodded. Then she told him about the Caretaker, the tetryon beam that whisked them into the Delta Quadrant, how he sacrificed his vessel to destroy the Kazon ship that threatened the Ocampa. "We became involved," she had said then of her decision to destroy the array. "We are about 30 years away from home."

"The Maquis?" he asked.

She told him how the two crews joined to become a Starfleet crew, that they had heard news from home, about the War, how many Maquis were now in Federation jails.

"I had an engineer, Kathryn. B'Elanna Torres. What has happened to her?"

Kathryn smiled gently.

"What..."

"She is Voyager's Chief Engineer. She married Tom Paris."

"The mercenary?"

"He saved your life."

Chakotay became reflective. He had never liked Tom Paris. Perhaps the thought needed qualification. Tom Paris had been young, angry. He remembered the first day Tom joined his cell and how Chakotay had wanted to beat him up, because Tom wanted to be rewarded for his services. He couldn't refuse the brilliant pilot then. The Maquis needed good pilots and Tom... Chakotay sighed. Tom was the best. He was not Maquis because of any noble sentiments, but his agenda had been that of others who used the Maquis as a safe harbour, a place to hide. Still, Tom Paris got caught. Chakotay had been filled with relief and apprehension at the same time. Now Tom was Voyager's pilot, a mercenary. So much must have happened in more than six years. He turned his gaze to Kathryn then, his eyes searching.

"Did I change, Kathryn?"

She sighed. "I suppose," she said, "that we became focused on getting the crew home, and more than anything, we were forced to work together and to stay together - "

"We couldn't afford to be divided," he said intuitively.

"Yes."

He had become tired soon after that, although he had not wanted her to let go of his hand.

One evening she didn't come.

Chakotay became agitated. He had a raging headache, but he held on to the side of the bed and lifted himself to a sitting position. He became dizzy, the sick bay swirling like a mad vortex . Then he felt himself pitching forward.

"What do you think you're doing, Commander?" the doctor asked as he moved swiftly to the biobed and pressed Chakotay down again. Chakotay lifted his head this time.

"The Captain," he gasped, "where is she?"

"Has it occurred to you that she might be in a meeting?" The doctor's voice was terse. "Or, just plain tired?"

Chakotay sagged back against the headrest. He felt like a fool, foolish, useless.

He grabbed the doctor's wrist and pulled him closer. "I must see her," he insisted.

"Tomorrow morning, Commander. She'll be here. Now lie still, will you?"

At that moment the doors of the sick bay opened and Kathryn Janeway hurried towards them. She was slightly out of breath when she reached him. She had that harried look again and she quickly smoothed her hair behind her ears.

"What's the matter, Doctor?" she asked, instantly worried that Chakotay might have had a relapse.

"Kathryn!"

"Captain, now is about the time the Commander might be allowed up, I think. It's becoming impossible to hold him down - "

"Chakotay, I'm sorry. I was...held up." The doctor gave a snort, then continued with his work.

"Kathryn, forgive me. I got used to expecting you. You were busy. I'll be okay." She lifted him gently to a sitting position, ensuring that he didn't get dizzy again. He grimaced. "Thank you."

"Chakotay..." There was a look in her eyes that alarmed him a little.

"Is something the matter, Kathryn?"

"Uh - tomorrow, you'll be able to get up and study the database. There - there are some things you ought to know."

"I'm your first officer and we are friends. I know that. You told me."

"Yes, er...well..." Why was she stalling?

"It's okay, Kathryn. If it's difficult for you, you don't have to say anything." He touched her cheek, finding the action so natural that he frowned. He held his palm there, allowing her warmth to flow into him. He saw her eyes close, saw how a tear seeped out and rolled down her cheek, coursing hotly over his fingers.

"Kathryn?"

Her hand covered his own, as if she were loathe to let him go. She opened her eyes and he saw the deep sadness in them, and a longing that confused him. He frowned again.

"Speak to me, please, Kathryn."

She pressed her lips against his palm.

"Please..."

"I was going to wait 'til I thought you were ready, you know," she started, "but - "

" - but what, Kathryn? Something that might shock me? Surprise me?" he asked. She nodded.

"We - we are more than friends, Chakotay..."

"I feel close to you. Maybe that part of my subconscious - "

"We are married, Chakotay," she cut in.

"Kathryn?" His eyes widened. He was quiet for several long minutes. A slow smile spread across his face, but before he could say anything, she added:

"And we - we have a daughter. A baby girl... She - she's only eight months old."

She dropped his hand and jerked away from him. The doctor was momentarily distracted from his work before he continued again. Chakotay held on to Kathryn's wrist and pulled her gently towards him.

"I am m-married...to you, and - and we have a daughter?" Chakotay stammered.

She nodded. "Her name is Tara."

"Tara…" he murmured as he gazed into Kathryn's eyes.

Chakotay tried to digest the information, to remember a marriage ceremony and making love with this woman. He tried to remember Kathryn being pregnant, remember her giving birth to a baby girl. He forced his brain to comply, to send to his heart and mind those memories. He told himself to think, to think hard. Perhaps something of what he had experienced with this woman who was his friend, remained - maybe a tiny sliver or aperture into his brain where six and a half years of memories lay in the wasteland of his life.

Nothing happened.

Chakotay tried again. Blank. There was a mist, a blurred field of greys and off-whites and black - not a year or a day or a month, not a single bit of evidence or a vision that there was something he could claim with Kathryn Janeway.

There was nothing.

Yet, there had been a friendship, love, a marriage, a baby. If he had those things with Kathryn Janeway, then nothing else should have mattered except that they were the most important things in his life. A milestone of such great importance and magnificence that remained a blank, a grey fog. His hand reached out and he tried to touch her face. Perhaps if he did so, there might be a remembrance of a touch, a tactile evidence that broke through the misty fields to claim him again as the husband, lover of this woman who was to him a stranger...

He looked at Kathryn Janeway and tried once more to remember his history with her - love, marriage, a baby.

Nothing.

His hand slumped lifelessly to his side again. Kathryn's face receded, drifted further and further away. Distraught, he tried to call her back. In the mists he heard Kathryn call his name.

Then mercifully, everything went black.

END CHAPTER ELEVEN


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

It was morning when Chakotay woke again. At least so he thought it was. The first thing on his mind was naturally, Kathryn Janeway. But, it was not the Captain who loomed over his bed as he opened his eyes.

"Good morning, Commander Chakotay."

Chakotay stared. His head was somewhat clearer, and he had known that other than the Maquis who were on board Voyager, there was no one else he would know. He didn't know the man who stood by his bed.

"Who are you?"

Noah Lessing smiled.

"I'm Crewman Noah Lessing, Commander. I have been instructed by Captain Janeway to help you this morning, and the - "

"Yes, Commander," the EMH piped up, "you are about ready to walk around sick bay, but no further."

"It seems," the Commander said, "I have no choice."

"Indeed not. How are you feeling this morning?" The EMH walked briskly from the monitor he had been studying and stood next to Noah, hypospray in hand.

"I don't need that," Chakotay said tersely. The EMH snorted.

"Fine. You have no idea how normal you sound."

Noah Lessing had meanwhile lifted Chakotay to a sitting position, then allowed him to swing his legs over the side of the bed. Chakotay experienced a dizzy spell, but Noah, who was bracing him, allowed him to recover before he let Chakotay off the bed. Chakotay grimaced.

"That's it, Commander. Now, can you take a step forward?"

Chakotay gingerly put one foot in front of the other, found that he could at least stand unattended. When he looked up at Noah, he gave a triumphant smile.

"Were you always that tall, Noah Lessing?" he asked the young, grim looking crewman.

"Since my sixteenth year, Commander. My Mama swore by old fashioned Earth growing meal for growing boys. You should have seen my brother - "

"Hopefully, he isn't on this vessel."

"No, Commander. He isn't."

Chakotay looked again up into Noah's face. The crewman was holding a fawn-coloured dressing gown that looked decidedly non-Starfleet. Two things struck Chakotay at once and he didn't know which one of the two to pursue first. Noah took the decision out of his hands by saying:

"It's your own dressing gown, Commander. The Captain thought it might be good if you were in your own garments. She said something about it being familiar..."

Chakotay nodded. It didn't look familiar but the moment he put it on, he felt comfortable at least.

"Your brother, you said - "

"He died, Commander Chakotay."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Lessing."

"No more than I am, Commander," Noah replied, his expression serious. "No more than I am," he whispered again. Chakotay didn't press him for more information. He could see Noah wasn't ready to offer more.

"So, what is my first order of business after I've been to the bathroom?"

Noah smiled down at him.

"The Captain thought it would be a good idea if I brought you to the nursery first thing."

"The nursery?" Chakotay asked as Noah held his elbow and allowed him to walk around sick bay. It was better than he thought. He had no headache like the previous day, and although he ambled very slowly, he could do so without feeling overly nauseated or dizzy.

"The quarters next to sick bay had been converted to a nursery, Commander, and in the morning, the nursery has its full complement of three wee ones."

"One of them being my daughter..." Chakotay said reflectively.

"Aye, Commander."

Chakotay nodded again. By the time he left the bathroom, he felt refreshed. Noah was waiting for him and together they left the sick bay for the short trip to the nursery. Chakotay thought Kathryn's admission the previous evening. He couldn't even picture what his daughter looked like. He couldn't grasp fully that he was a married man, one who shared a bed with the Captain. He experienced again that disorientation, of being displaced. He didn't know this vessel, didn't know the crew and when a crewmember passed them and said: "Good morning, Commander. It's good to see you up and about", he simply nodded gravely, although Noah greeted her merrily by saying, "Hi, Susan!".

Chakotay noted, however, the sheepish grin on Noah's face.

"You like her?" he asked.

"Commander, they called her 'cold hands, cold heart' Nicoletti..."

"And her hands and heart are not so cold anymore, right?" Chakotay said, managing a smile.

Noah didn't answer. Instead, he said: "Here we are, Commander."

The doors slid open and Chakotay stood for a moment on the threshold and stared in. The room was full of colour. Not at all starship-like, he thought. In the far corner were three cribs, toys strewn on the floor and a few easy chairs.

Kathryn sat in one of them, holding a baby.

Chakotay stopped breathing for a moment. Noah pressed his back and urged him to go in. Chakotay inhaled deeply, then took a few agonising steps forward. The baby wore pink sleepers and Kathryn was rocking her gently. Noah released Chakotay's elbow and went over to Miral's crib. Miral was fretting and demanded attention. The third occupant lay quietly with a pacifier.

"Chakotay..."

Chakotay stood still about a metre away from Kathryn. He couldn't stop staring. Kathryn and the baby... To him they looked perfect, so completely perfect together.

"Her name is Tara..."

"Tara..." He mouthed the name, trying to find a connection, a familiarity.

"You named her, Chakotay," Kathryn said and held the baby to him. Tara had been sleeping, but she must have sensed her father's presence. As she opened her eyes she began wailing plaintively, reaching for him with pudgy arms.

Chakotay took a step back. The baby had black hair, skin like his and her eyes were blue. Tara clearly recognised her father. The baby leaned forward and Chakotay's reached for her with a hesitant gesture, as if he were afraid to take her in his arms. He tried to picture her in his memory. His eyes were dark with pain when he opened them again.

"You can hold her, Chakotay. Actually, you're quite good at it," Kathryn said as she placed Tara in her father's almost reluctant arms. The baby squeaked excitedly in Chakotay's arms.

"She - she likes me," Chakotay said in wonderment as he pressed his hand gently against Tara's back. Tara cupped Chakotay's cheeks and planted a wet kiss against his mouth. "She likes me," he repeated. When Tara smiled at him, his eyes widened. He glanced at Kathryn whose eyes filled with tears.

If Chakotay had any doubts about Tara's existence as his child, they were all but obliterated when the baby smiled at him. She had the same dimples, the same mouth.

"Sometimes I felt jealous that she looked so much like you," Kathryn said softly, but her voice was kind, loving. She moved so that Chakotay could sit down in the comfy chair. Tara's hands were everywhere. She pulled his hair, she tried to bite his cheek.

"She has teeth..."

"Oh, yes. She sprouted those two very early," Kathryn replied as she knelt next to him.

Tara it seemed, had forgotten her mother was there. The baby became preoccupied with her father. She pulled the lapel of his gown and sucked it. Chakotay could only stare and smile. When he looked at Kathryn, his eyes shone. For a moment the clouds were gone and he relished the moment, the golden minutes his baby played with him and he didn't have to imagine her or worry about not recognising her. Tara did it all on her own. She was his and he belonged to her. That much was clear. Kathryn was his and he belonged to Kathryn and no matter what other difficulties lay round the corner for them, it was this moment when Tara smooched him all over his face, that he knew he belonged with them.

"I have to go on duty now, Chakotay," Kathryn said. She touched his cheek in a gentle caress. It didn't feel so odd now, so detached as he thought it would be. Perhaps it was the best thing to do, he thought. Trust Kathryn wholeheartedly and take it from there.

"I - I'd like to stay here for a while, Kathryn. I see Noah has company. That must be Tom and B'Elanna's baby..." he said reflectively, noting the ridges on Miral's forehead.

"Her name's Miral..."

"They named her after B'Elanna's mother," he said in wonderment.

"Yes."

"And the other baby?"

"Mariah Henley and James Hamilton..." Kathryn waited for the information to sink in.

"Maquis and Starfleet..."

Kathryn smiled broadly, then she rose to her feet. She kissed Chakotay's forehead. Her lips were warm against his skin. "I'll be here at lunch time..."

"Now that I think of it, I haven't eaten in..."

"Don't think about it. Noah will see to it that you have something for breakfast. Nothing heavy, okay? Doctor's orders."

"Naturally. This afternoon then, Kathryn."

Chakotay watched Kathryn leave the nursery before he turned his attention again to Tara.

"So, I gave your name Tara..." he told the baby, who responded by gurgling happily in her daddy's arms.

Thus began Commander Chakotay's gradual integration into life on Voyager. The EMH had toned down treatment to the minimum, although Chakotay still had problems with headaches. He had refused more medication and the latest altercation had left the EMH mildly irritated.

"It's for your own good, Commander," the Doctor stated the morning after Chakotay had met his baby girl for the first time.

"It cannot be for my own good if I can't remember the circumstances of my child's birth, Doctor," Chakotay replied. Noah had been standing next to him, ready to elbow guide him to the nursery again. The EMH stood ready with a hypospray and Chakotay looked angry.

"Commander, did you know that most of the skin on your body burned?"

The Doctor said that as if it answered all Chakotay's questions. The Commander's eyes flashed with sudden vehemence.

"Doctor, do you have any idea what it means not to _remember_?" Chakotay emphasised the last word, feeling again the desolation of the previous day when he looked at his baby and forced himself to have a recollection of her.

The Doctor's expression changed from irritation to something that made Chakotay feel bad. He cursed himself. He knew he must have struck a nerve with the Doctor. His apology when it came, was tinged with regret.

"Sorry, Doc. I'll be good. Now give me that damned injection and let me get to - to my office. I believe I have one?"

"You certainly have, Commander," Noah said merrily while the EMH stepped up and jabbed Chakotay's neck. There was a fine hiss and when the EMH was finished, he had a smug look on his face and the strange expression of seconds before melted away like mist before the sun.

"Thank you. I feel better already," Chakotay remarked with mild sarcasm. He looked at Noah. "I want to see my daughter first, if you don't mind."

"Naturally, Commander. After that, I understand the Captain will take you to your quarters..."

Chakotay had been quiet when Noah mentioned his quarters. He was filled with apprehension. Was it the quarters he had shared with Kathryn? He still couldn't quite get past the idea that he was married to Kathryn, but it was a fact. Tara was living proof of that. Even if Kathryn hadn't told him, he would have sensed. The baby looked so much like him that there could be absolutely no doubt as to her parentage. He and Kathryn made a baby together. About being intimate with Kathryn... He stalled his train of thought right at that point. He had to admit that he still felt strange, that he felt a stranger to her on that score. In current terms he had only just met her and it was difficult for him to think that he might have been intimate with her so quickly after meeting her. He knew the person he was, at least up until events of six and a half years ago. He knew that there was a Seska in his life. In which case, where was she? If Seska was on this vessel with him, then surely they must have been lovers? They had been while on the Liberty, and he had no reason to believe that it could suddenly have stopped when he joined his crew with Kathryn's Starfleet.

Being married to Kathryn suggested an array of parameters he didn't want to entertain. Seska was Seska. He knew her in that life, and what he had with her was simply to satisfy a carnality that rode along with being on the run, living dangerously and getting what satisfaction he could without ever having to commit to anything, except his noble cause. Circumstances had thrown them together, and he had been attracted to Seska on a base level, nothing more. Seska had been more than willing to bed him. There had been no merging of the minds, no marriage of hearts and souls or inspiring men to great works of art. Seska was not the type to evoke that in a man.

But Kathryn... Kathryn had a pedigree, a refinement of spirit that he didn't have to know in a life he couldn't remember. What little he knew of her now was enough to bear testimony to her culture and elegance. It was in her bearing. Any man could see that. Kathryn would inspire love and the willingness of a man to make sacrifices for her, to die for her. He sensed that intuitively. Trying so damnably hard to remember, to find a memory, just one that linked him with Kathryn, in her bed, and more importantly, in her heart, was becoming an exercise in futility. That part remained a grey mist. He got a headache just trying to think about how a woman like Kathryn Janeway, captain of a Starship - petit, refined, tough it seemed, pursuer of a renegade Maquis leader, could love him. He was certain that she did. What little he knew about her now, since his accident, he couldn't imagine her giving her heart lightly to anyone, let alone someone like him.

But she had. The circumstances of the how and why remained elusive and he could feel the onset of another headache just trying to open an aperture in his mind.

"Commander?" Noah's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Yes...yes, I'm fine," Chakotay replied at length. "Shall we go?"

He felt again the strong apprehension. They were going to his quarters later. Didn't Kathryn say yesterday that they had prepared quarters for him? Where were his quarters? If he and Kathryn were married, with one happy baby he was going to see in about a minute, wouldn't they be sharing? He cut off those thoughts, took a deep breath and held on to Noah's elbow. Chakotay still felt wobbly when he walked and he grit his teeth. Very soon - like tomorrow morning, spirits help him - he would not have to use Noah as a crutch anymore, though he certainly could use the young man's company. Yesterday he and Kathryn had had a light meal in sick bay. Perhaps today he could go to the mess hall with Noah, or have lunch in Kathryn's quarters. He still felt like something punched him in the gut every time he thought of Kathryn's quarters as being "their" quarters. So, Chakotay took a deep breath and said:

"Let's go, Noah. There's a baby waiting for me."

END CHAPTER TWELVE


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Chakotay retired to sick bay mid-morning. Tara had been particularly lively and, he had to admit, he was feeling tired. He lay down on the biobed, frustrated that he could tire so quickly. The headache that had grown steadily when he was in the nursery increased in intensity. He looked at the back of his hand and grinned. Tara had bitten him hard, her biting leaving tiny dents on his skin.

The doctor had given him another jab of the hypospray and smirked all-knowingly.

"I knew you'd be back here soon. You underestimated your rate of recovery, Commander."

"Thanks a lot," Chakotay responded, his eyelids drooping. He had only time to feel slightly embarrassed at still being so weak before he was engulfed in the swirling mists of sleep.

When he awoke again, it was almost afternoon, and he jerked up with, "Tara!"

"She's sleeping, Chakotay," Kathryn said as she watched him. She pressed him gently down again. "Please, you're running a slight fever."

"Kathryn..." There was a pleading look in his eyes as he gazed at her. "Is there any chance I can sleep in my own bed?"

He didn't miss the sudden flash of fear in her eyes. He frowned. Was something the matter?

"What's wrong?" he asked as he held her hand.

"Nothing," she said quickly, "nothing, really." But the look in her eyes told him something. His own voice lowered, he said quietly:

"It's alright, Kathryn. I can sleep somewhere else..."

She looked afraid and to be honest, he admitted to himself, he was too. They were like polite strangers.

"I would like to go to our quarters, if you don't mind. And I want to get out of this," he said as he pointed to the pyjamas he was wearing. "It's time Tara saw me in something else."

That elicited a smile from her.

"Fine. We could go now."

"Thank you, Kathryn."

A few minutes later they alighted from the turbolift on deck 3. Someone stood there waiting to enter.

"Chakotay!"

"B'Elanna?" Chakotay's surprise was patent. "In Starfleet gold?"

"Yeah. It's good to see you look better, Chakotay," she said quickly as she entered the lift.

He only had time to stare before the doors closed and Kathryn held his elbow lightly as they walked to the Captain's quarters.

"B'Elanna looks less fierce than I remember her," he said conversationally.

"She has Tom, Chakotay. Don't underestimate her, though. It comes out at odd times..."

"She still blames the Klingon half for everything?"

"B'Elanna did that while in the Maquis, too?" Kathryn asked.

"She fought me all the time," he replied. He smiled when Kathryn walked faster. She had no conscious idea that she did so. He thought it was the way she always walked. But it left him trailing her a little.

Chakotay sighed deeply. Maybe the problem was with him. He still walked too slowly.

"I'm keeping you up, Kathryn," he said apologetically.

She stood still and looked up at him. There was a flash of anger in her eyes.

"Chakotay, you almost died. Died, you hear? When you were brought in, I didn't recognise you. You're not nearly recovered. I've just about twisted Doctor's arm to discharge you from sick bay today. Please, don't feel sorry about anything, or the need to apologise."

Her eyes looked fired. He made her mad. He didn't want to. When he nodded, they proceeded in silence until they stood in front of her quarters. Chakotay frowned.

"We converted our quarters into larger living arrangements for us when - when..." Kathryn stopped and keyed in her commands. She didn't look at him when she spoke, but hoped that he understood the inference.

"When we got married."

"Yes..."

The doors swished open and Kathryn stepped in first. She turned to look at him. Chakotay stood still on the threshold. He hesitated.

"Come," she said. This time she smiled and her eyes looked inviting.

He stepped inside. She took his hand and led him to the large couch. He sank down gratefully, not wanting to admit to her that the trip from sick bay to their quarters had tired him. He leaned against the backrest and closed his eyes. Small beads of perspiration formed against his forehead. She sat down next to him and waited for him to get his breath back. On an impulse she found impossible to avert, she leaned over and kissed him on the lips.

It was a brief touch, but his eyes opened immediately.

"Kathryn?"

"I - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that..." she whispered.

She rose quickly and walked to the dining area where she busied herself with the preparation of their lunch. Chakotay looked around him with interest. He saw through the partition the area which had been his quarters originally, but there where his bed must have been now stood a crib and other baby furniture. He got up, feeling less winded and ambled around. He walked to Tara's room and stood at her crib. Over the mobile hanged little birds and starships. He had a sudden vision of an eagle in flight, but put it down to simply having seen eagles in flight.

He walked to their bedroom where he stared so long at the bed that he didn't know that Kathryn had joined him. She touched his hand and he clasped it, wondering idly why he found the action so natural. Still he didn't look at her, but kept his gaze on the bedside table where a framed photograph stood. It shocked him only a little, more because he looked so healthy in that picture, and it was of him in casual clothing, laughing into the imager. Where was that picture taken? He didn't want to ask Kathryn; he wouldn't remember anyway. The sun caught in his hair and his face looked relaxed, not the winding coil he felt like all the time now.

"Come," Kathryn said softly, averting the uncomfortable moment, a moment in which she felt afraid of the questions he would ask.

He walked back with her and minutes later they sat down to lunch, enjoying the meal in solitude.

"Kathryn..." he said finally, breaking the silence. There was a guarded look in her eyes. "I know you're feeling uncomfortable and frankly, so do I. I can sleep on the couch." he suggested.

He was gratified when she gave a sigh of relief and nodded. Was she afraid of him or for him? he wondered. Her whole demeanour told him that she wanted him to be here, in their quarters. Kathryn didn't look at him. When they finished lunch and cleared away their things, she walked with him to his wardrobe.

"Everything's here, Chakotay. Your uniform - "

"I'd like to get into uniform, Kathryn, if you don't mind - "

"Chakotay! You're the First Officer of this vessel. Of course I don't mind..."

He nodded. "Your office is this way," she said quietly. "You can start on the crew complement, and Chakotay..."

"Yes?"

"If you're uncomfortable, if...anything, anything, please, will you call me?"

"Even when you're on the bridge, Kathryn?" he asked, the dimples forming in his cheeks when he smiled at her.

"Especially when I'm on the bridge."

He had a sudden need to allay her trepidation. He could see she was trying her best to make things comfortable for him, to make his integration into the ship's affairs and her life as painless as possible. So he tried to give her some reassurance that he would be fine. He saw odd flashes in her eyes, shadows which he badly wanted to take away and replace with shining laughter.

"Kathryn..." His voice was a groan, hoarse. Her eyes were drawing him, pulling him in. Chakotay's hands clasped her slender shoulders and he bent his head slowly. He was only centimetres from her mouth, so close...so close... His lips touched hers and lingered there. He could feel her movement, how her lips grew soft with need and finally, opening under his. She was responding to his touch, her mouth alive. He felt her press closer to him, her arms encircling his waist. Chakotay tried to feel, and what little he felt he knew was only the Maquis Chakotay whose response had been all but lust - plain, simple normal reaction to a beautiful woman whom he was kissing. Nothing more. Not Kathryn, his wife, with whom he was supposed to be in love...

Then he pulled away, ending the kiss as abruptly as the urge in him had encourage him to touch her. A flash of anger in his eyes, the frustration that he couldn't feel what he knew he was supposed to feel, swamped him. He could see Kathryn felt used.

Chakotay swore under his breath as he saw her face crease in the onset of tears.

Kathryn's eyes broke into piece, the shards fling about them.

He knew with sickening dismay that he hurt her terribly.

END CHAPTER THIRTEEN


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The bridge, Kathryn Janeway always thought, was the best place to hide one's emotions. From her command chair she could give the appearance of normality while turmoil raged inside her. Surrounded by her senior officers she was forced to assume her role as leader, a pro-active captain of one of the fastest Federation vessels. In their presence she dared not show any lack of control, or display emotions that were not in line with the cool manner in which Starfleet captains were expected to make decisions.

Thus, when the turbolift doors aft of the bridge opened and Tuvok announced "Captain on the bridge", there were no traces of her deep distress at the way Chakotay had broken off the kiss in their quarters. She sat down in her chair, glanced briefly at the empty space beside her and continued as if nothing had disturbed the equilibrium of earlier, or her vain hope that things had never changed between them.

His kiss had been the one sign that her world and its expectations had been rudely knocked off its axis. She realised just how difficult the road to Chakotay's healing was going to be. Suddenly the nebulas on the viewscreen and the stars that streaked by held little appeal . But gradually her old curiosity kicked in and Kathryn Janeway looked at least interested in the approaching nebula. At least she could determine that it wasn't a hostile entity that threatened to swallow Voyager and her crew.

She had been lulled into thinking that Chakotay would soon look at her with his old and familiar recognition that she'd prayed would come to him soon. In their quarters she thought she had seen that look in his eyes and for a wild, wild moment she had desired him so fiercely that the kiss when it came, wreaked havoc with her heart. For a moment only Chakotay's eyes had looked as if he recognised her as Kathryn, his wife, a desirable woman who turned to mush at the merest touch of his lips on hers. He had always had that effect on her and in their quarters, the one place on the entire vessel where they could let down their masks and their hair, she had melted away in his embrace.

Chakotay had only to stand still and pull her to him. He had only to look deeply into her eyes while his own smouldered with answering need and she'd be lost in a vortex of passion.

He pulled back so abruptly that she thought for a heart stopping moment that his memory had returned.

"I'm s-sorry, Kathryn..." he stammered, "I shouldn't have done that. It was unforgivable of me."

He looked guilty; he avoided her gaze. She had known that her own response was unexpectedly one of disappointment. And, she felt a burning hurt.

It hurt damnably. Even now she cringed inside at the way he looked at her. There had been that mix of passion and guilt that sat so wrong on Chakotay. When he apologised, she thought he could not have been more Chakotay than when they had been together on New Earth. Then he had been so honourable, so truly great in spirit in agreeing to her terms. Chakotay kissed her so bloodlessly, yet he evoked so much of her own passion. He had no idea how like her honourable warrior he had been.

Kathryn couldn't remind him because he wouldn't know of it.

It didn't stop her feeling cheap and used. His vacant look had returned and with it, her own sinking disappointment and hurt.

She'd stumbled out of their quarters, just barely murmuring that he could put his uniform on and that she'd see him when her duty shift was over.

Kathryn was alerted to the present when Tom asked her about the nebula they were traveling through. She gave a slight sigh, realised that she had a ship to run and within seconds she was again Kathryn Janeway who was Captain of Voyager, and who could not, even though her heart and mind and soul cried out for her husband, voice those needs to her senior officers.

Chakotay stood for perhaps ten minutes at his wardrobe after Kathryn hurried to go on duty again. The moment between them just after he kissed her had been tense. He had felt embarrassed. Kathryn's reaction had been so acute that he couldn't bear to see her so dejected or be the source of her unhappiness.

So he'd apologised, deeply. He had wanted to pull her into his arms again and kiss her forehead this time, offer her some solace, the need to take away her pain so intense that his hand had reached to touch her again. Her eyes had filled with tears and he watched in silence how she turned and hurried out of their quarters.

He swore again and balled his fist, banging it against the wardrobe door. It reminded him that he needed to change into uniform. He stared at his fist as if it reminded of something. It was no use trying to remember. It only gave him excruciating headaches. He contemplated going to the Doctor again and ask him to do whatever it took to give him a normal life again.

Right now it wasn't normal.

He opened the door and stared at the rows of clothing. On the bottom shelf he saw something that made him frown deeply. He bent down to lift the objects and stared for long moments at the pair of red boxing gloves. Then suddenly he banged his fist against his head. It was no use. It bore little reminder of anything, except that he must have indulged in the pastime. He couldn't remember boxing on the Liberty. They had been so constantly on the run that'd had very little time for any rest and relaxation.

Disgusted with himself he threw down the gloves again, straightened up and removed one of his a uniform. He'd expected it to be red. He had been through Command School at the Academy and served on the USS Chichester as its first officer. The uniform was fresh and the moment he stood in front of the mirror after donning it, he felt a little better, at least normal after being in Starfleet issue sick wear.

"So, Commander Chakotay," he spoke to his image in the mirror, "this is what you looked like every day for six and a half years, sitting on the bridge next to Kathryn Janeway..."

His image appeared to gloat back at him.

"Yeah, right."

"Oh? Why are you so sceptical, Commander Chakotay?"

Did the image gloat a second time and appear to point to his neck? Chakotay's hand went to the pin on his collar. It was a flat gold bar with three diagonal stripes on it.

"Maquis pin, perhaps?" he wondered idly as he fingered the pin.

" Try to figure out why, Commander..."

"I suppose Kathryn had to make some distinction between Starfleet and Maquis on board."

"You got that right..."

"Wonder. The Maquis were never trained in Starfleet, except B'Elanna and that mercenary she married. I was in Starfleet. I know the discipline..."

 _"Yeah. Think, Maquis. Think! Think! Think! Who are you? Who are you!"_

"No! Dammit!" Chakotay cried out, clutching his head when the pain terrorised him again. He groaned and stumbled away from the mirror, falling across the couch as the pain gripped him. For several minutes he lay there and swallowed, deep wracking gasps that slowly abated till his breathing normalised again.

Finally he rose and walked to the little alcove that was his office. He sat down, but not before he looked around him. He saw his medicine wheel and smiled. He wondered absently what happened to his medicine bundle... When he switched on the console, it was Kathryn's face that filled the screen and her words he heard.

"Hello, Chakotay. I thought I'd give you all the codes to your holodeck programmes, the entrances to our quarters, your rations rating, that sort of thing."

Chakotay smiled. Kathryn had thought of everything to make his life a little easier. He took a PADD and downloaded those codes and when he pressed the panels on the console again, Kathryn's face had disappeared, replaced briefly by the Federation insignia before he started on the first of the ship's logs and crew manifest.

"So, let's see what has happened on this vessel since stardate 48315.6..." he said softly. He keyed in a few commands and then he looked at Voyager's crew, from the top going down to the lowest ranked crewmember.

It felt strange when he saw his own picture, his information just after Kathryn's.

Chakotay smiled when he saw the face of a small alien man, one he thought had to be an inhabitant of this Quadrant. Neelix had been with him on the Orinoco when the shuttle crash-landed on that moon. That was what he was told by Kathryn. To him, it was his own Liberty crashing in the Badlands after they were hit by that Cardassian Gul Evek.

For the next few hours Chakotay studied the data, taking time out only to rest his eyes and relief the pain of the headache by going into the lounge and sitting still on the couch. Then he'd lie back with his arms spread across the backrest and close his eyes. Minutes later he would be back at his computer and scroll endlessly, reading, reading...

Then he came across something that made him sit bolt upright. Not only did he do that, he followed the action through by getting up, heading for the doors - his side - of their quarters and into the first turbolift. He had a mental picture of Voyager's specs. The Chichester on which he served in another lifetime, it seemed, was an earlier version of the Intrepid class starships and didn't look far different from Voyager, at least not in number of decks. He had a burning question to ask and the person he needed to get answers from was not Kathryn Janeway, his wife and mother of his baby girl. Kathryn would, he knew, fill him in as best she could, but this was a touchy subject.

When the turbolift doors opened and he stepped out, he was met by an ensign whose name he only read while studying the crew manifest of Voyager.

"Commander Chakotay! It's good to see you up and about."

"Thank you, er…Lieutenant Baxter." Chakotay smiled grimly at the officer and Baxter who had stood still in surprise that Commander Chakotay actually recognised him, shook his head and knew just what he was going to tell the love of his life, Ensign Duran. Chakotay, still troubled by the headache he'd built up all afternoon in his quarters after Kathryn left, was forced to walk slowly.

"Spirits, I'm not a damned invalid," he muttered as he strode down the corridor.

"Good day, Commander Chakotay!" a bright voice sounded below him. He looked down.

"Good - good afternoon, Naomi Wildman," he said, trying to smile, but his face felt stiff, drawn.

"Lovely day for it, Commander," she said before breezing away. He turned to look at her retreating figure and shook his head. He wondered idly what it was a lovely day for. Perhaps Kathryn would know. Maybe the child was only trying to make conversation. It seemed they had been instructed to be nice to him, acting as if he knew them intimately like he was supposed to.

But the matter that drove him in the direction of Engineering was pressing and soon Naomi Wildman and Baxter were forgotten. A sudden throng of crewmen materialised mysteriously in the corridors. Did someone tell the crew he was walking the ship? Why did they greet as if they were scared of him? Did he always scare the hell out of them?

That question was answered when he stepped into Engineering and Joe Carey stood near the doors.

"Commander! We didn't know you were coming today!"

"Where is B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked without preamble, pushing his way past Joe Carey who stared in astonishment as Chakotay walked towards the warp core.

"I was going to say she's right there," Joe whispered to no one in particular.

Torres was deep into studying warp core data and didn't notice Chakotay coming up behind her.

"B'Elanna."

B'Elanna swung round, her eyes widening when she saw him.

"Chakotay! What are you doing here?"

"In your office, now!" Chakotay's voice was terse, his face serious as B'Elanna wavered for a moment, looked past him to where Joe was still standing. Joe nodded as she gave a sign that he take over.

"This way, Chakotay."

In her small office Chakotay stood still although his legs were weak. He could feel his temperature rising again. He cursed himself for still feeling so damned weak, not healing quickly enough to ask questions and hear their answers with a clear mind.

"Chakotay, what is it?" B'Elanna asked as he stared at her for so long that she began to squirm under his penetrating gaze.

"So, you're Chief Engineer of Voyager, and if I have to go by the logs I just read, by my suggestion - "

B'Elanna gave him a crooked smile.

"You certainly fought hard for me, Chakotay. It was the first time that - " She stopped suddenly, not certain that she should continue. She looked away and kept her gaze averted from him. She wished suddenly that the warp core would breach or something to detract what she could clearly see was Chakotay - a man with a mission.

" - that what, B'Elanna? Give me the between the lines version..."

"You challenged Captain Janeway, challenged her authority and convinced her that I made a better engineer than the person - Starfleet - who was next in line after Voyager's Chief Engineer died..."

"I always thought you were the best - "

"And I tried never to disappoint you...or her..." she said pensively. Then B'Elanna looked up at him again. He was still standing, and when she offered him her seat, he declined. "But, that's not why you're here, right?"

"I had a son, Torres. By Seska. What happened to him?"

END CHAPTER FOURTEEN


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

It seemed to Chakotay that B'Elanna paled a little. She rose from her chair, stood hands on her hips that he frowned. A flash - fleeting moment of Kathryn standing like that on...the bridge...

"Chakotay," B'Elanna said softly, her tone appeasing, as she sat down again. "There are things that happened - with you - that should remain forgettable...I think..."

The second the words were out, B'Elanna realised it was the wrong thing to say. Chakotay stepped forward and yanked her up.

"Has your marriage to that mercenary made you soft, Torres? I said I want between the lines, and I doubt Kathryn Janeway is going to oblige."

B'Elanna shook her head in bewilderment.

"You have no idea how you've changed in six years, Commander," she replied stonily.

"The truth, Torres."

B'Elanna released his grip from her shoulders, relaxed only a tad as she saw the fiery in Chakotay's eyes.

"Fine. You and Seska were lovers, Commander."

"We were, on the Liberty. I know that."

"She - she played you for a fool. All of us," B'Elanna finished a little lamely.

"And the child?"

"Seska was not Bajoran, Commander. She was a Cardassian spy..."

"And the child, Torres?" Chakotay asked as if he hadn't heard her. He had known from the logs that Seska outwitted them and eventually dumped them on a planet with seismic activity.

"He was not your son, Chakotay. I'm sorry that you - you don't remember..."

"Not my son?"

"One day soon after Seska died and Cullah took the boy, you had been to the EMH for - for your medical. The EMH informed you. He thought that you had to know the truth."

"And Kathryn - Captain Janeway?"

B'Elanna closed her eyes. She wanted to tell Chakotay to ask the Captain those questions himself. Chakotay had long been over Seska, dropped her like a bag of potatoes when he fell for Kathryn Janeway. Didn't he know how he sometimes carried his heart on his sleeves? He might never have said a word, but during their time in the Maquis she had learned to read her former cell leader and Chakotay, hardened freedom fighter, terrorist and betrayer to the Federation had thought he didn't deserve someone like Kathryn Janeway.

"She's too good for me, B'Elanna. I'm just a renegade who will go to jail once we reach the Alpha Quadrant," he told her one night in Sandrine's and she had seen him for the first time drinking more that he should have.

"I think she needs to feel she can put all her trust in you," she'd told him.

"And then what? Who am I? She's the Captain, for God's sake, bent on getting her people home. There's no place for me here..." and he'd slammed his fist against his chest. "There's no place for me in her heart!" he'd repeated vehemently.

Pulled to the present and seeing Chakotay still waiting or an answer, B'Elanna shrugged.

"Captain Janeway never spoke about it afterwards, Chakotay, but she became quiet, too reflective whenever you were around her."

"Why?" he asked brusquely. His hand shot out and he pulled her closer to him. Chakotay had no idea how the rest of the staff of engineering were watching the showdown between him and their Chief Engineer and Joe Carey, her second in command was quick to remind them to get on with their work.

"Why?" Chakotay repeated his question as he shook her. B'Elanna's eyes flashed sparks of fire, but she tried to bank her own anger. Chakotay needed information, he needed answers, he needed help. She had to cut him major slack.

"You - you asked her - "

"What, B'Elanna?"

"You were in love with her, Chakotay. Even then."

"How could I have slept with Seska, B'Elanna, if what you're saying is - is true?" Chakotay stammered.

He released her grip and brushed the back of his hand across his forehead. He was breathing erratically and for a moment B'Elanna contemplated hailing the doctor and having Chakotay beamed to sick bay, or hailing the Captain. She stalled on her second option. Chakotay had not wanted to speak to his wife about something that had been a problem in their relationship for a long time. B'Elanna had been the only one other than Kathryn Janeway herself, in whom Chakotay confided to a certain degree. He never told her more than he was prepared to tell her, but it had been enough for her to read between the lines.

"There was something happening between you two," B'Elanna said quietly. "Something indefinable that you were both unaware of. You told me often enough that you would have liked there to be more, but you felt you didn't deserve her and so - "

"I tried other means...?" he cut in.

B'Elanna nodded. When Seska betrayed Voyager, stealing valuable transporter technology, Chakotay had gone after her without the Captain's knowledge and permission. Captain Janeway had been relentless at not going after Chakotay and to this day B'Elanna believed it had been because of personal feelings and not so much that Chakotay had committed an infraction, deliberately disobeying orders. Chakotay's violation paled into insignificance against infractions other members of the crew committed in later years. No, B'Elanna thought, she had been there in Kathryn Janeway's ready room and she knew how difficult the captain had found dealing with a Chakotay who had gone against her will, believing he was saving not only Voyager, her precious transporter technology, but in essence, Kathryn Janeway. He had always been ready to die for a cause, and for his Captain, he would give his life.

"Chakotay," B'Elanna said finally on a sigh, "you went many times to Captain Janeway to apologise, you know."

"I failed her," he said intuitively, "and I hurt her..."

"That's what you always said..."

"I loved Kathryn Janeway even then? So early on?" he repeated her words, frowning.

"Chakotay," B'Elanna started, folding her arms across her chest, "perhaps you should really talk this over with Captain Janeway - "

"No! No, I think not. I - think it will be... Hell, B'Elanna, I don't know. Tell me."

B'Elanna expelled another deep sigh. The coming together of Voyager's Captain and her First Officer had been fraught with problems. She wondered for a moment whether Chakotay had repressed some of the memories he couldn't remember anyway.

"You asked her to marry you, Chakotay."

"Even then?" he asked, his eyes widening in surprise.

"You thought she wouldn't have a problem saying yes to you."

"We had been friends. She's assured me of that. But B'Elanna, if I'm married to her, surely I must love her. Then that time when I asked her, it was because I loved her?"

"Yes."

"But?"

"She turned you down, although I swear by Kahless, Chakotay, she was in love with you too..."

"Then I slept with Seska to punish Kathryn Janeway," Chakotay whispered, the knowledge coming intuitively. "Became intimate with someone who - "

" - manipulated you, all of us... You went after them, got tortured by Seska and Cullah. She stole your DNA and proudly announced to the bridge crew that you were to become a father..."

Chakotay nodded. But something was still missing. Somewhere in all of what B'Elanna was telling him, Kathryn must have been hurt. Hurt like he hurt her this afternoon.

"And Kathryn Janeway, B'Elanna?"

A flash of pain crossed Chakotay's features and B'Elanna wanted to hug Chakotay right there. He looked lost, forlorn, and he needed Kathryn Janeway, not his old Maquis buddy to offer him the solace he needed. Surely they been down this road before? Why did it bother him now, even if he couldn't remember it? What did Chakotay write in his own logs? What? Did he even read those?

Chakotay had bitterly regretted his actions. He disappointed his Captain, his closest friend on Voyager. He felt he let her down and he never forgave himself. That Seska tricked him and everyone, but especially Chakotay... He was such an honourable man, so very proud. Seska had done something to add to his injury, an act that resulted in the birth of a baby boy he, as everybody on Voyager thought, was sired by him and not Maj Cullah. B'Elanna recalled the pained expression on Kathryn Janeway's face when Seska made that announcement from Cullah's vessel, displayed on Voyager's main viewscreen where everyone on the bridge could see.

"Seska made it known to all that you fathered her son, Chakotay."

"And Kathryn, she never forgave me," Chakotay added softly.

"I don't think it was that she didn't forgive you, Chakotay. She did, you know. A hundred times over, she did. She believed that - that..."

"What, B'Elanna? What did Kathryn believe?"

"Everything was all her fault...everything. She blamed herself."

END CHAPTER FIFTEEN


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Kathryn Janeway exited the turbolift on her floor carrying a squirming Tara on her hip and the baby bag slung over her other shoulder. She was tired, it was late, Tara had been fractious all evening according to Ensign Leeorah Guinness and she was not looking forward to a confrontation with Chakotay. She winced as Tara pulled her hair and tried to bite her ear.

"No, sweetie. Don't do that..." she said.

While the baby continued to disobey her mother's instruction, Kathryn walked briskly to her quarters. Chakotay was probably up and still waiting for her. B'Elanna had been flustered earlier in the evening when she met her in the nursery. He had cornered B'Elanna first with something that had remained a burning issue between husband and wife for a long time.

Kathryn inhaled deeply when the doors opened. She had to deal with Tara first because the baby was still restless and needed her late feed, her own bed. Kathryn smiled wanly. Even Tara had a proclivity for preferring her own bed when she wanted to sleep, except when she was rooming with one of the other babies.

"Okay, honey. We're here and it's bedtime for you..."

Tara slapped her mother's cheek with her tiny palms as if she understood. Chakotay was sleeping on the couch, as they'd had agreed. She quickly tiptoed past him Tara had seen him and started wailing loudly.

"Shhh...sweetie, don't wake Daddy now..."

She sat down in the rocking chair and sang softly to Tara. As soon as they learned she was pregnant Chakotay had started making things for their baby much to half-hearted protests from her. Funny thing is that she'd protested so many things that Chakotay had done for her, yet indulged him because he never smothered her.

"Nonsense, Kathryn, my love. Before we know it, nine months have passed and our baby will stare at us and ask why we didn't get her a crib and a mobile and a play pen and a - a...Treevis!" Chakotay had looked sheepishly at her, saying simply , "I love you, Kathryn. Indulge me, please?"

How could she refuse? Chakotay had made this rocking chair with wood he had replicated and built in the cargo bay in every spare moment he had. "Only the best for you, honey..." he'd always said. She had been glad. For months he'd stopped going to the holodeck to get beaten up by Baby Jake in the boxing ring so he could do things for her. "Besides, my priorities have changed, love of my life..."

She sighed. He had always been like that on New Earth, doing things for her because he loved her so much. New Earth... She pulled her thoughts away from their Eden. There was pain there that she prayed Chakotay wouldn't remember...

For a few minutes Tara played happily, always tugging at something, especially Kathryn's rank pins. On several occasions Chakotay had grumbled when he appeared on the bridge without his pin because somewhere between their quarters and the nursery it would be lost. They'd had a very traumatic moment once when they couldn't find one of her rank pins.

"And Commander, that is the last time I'll transport a rank pin out of a baby's stomach," the doctor had declared acidly.

"Doctor," Chakotay had responded with equal firmness, "you had better get used to it. It's going to be a health hazard on this vessel, something we...er...had not entered into our telemetries for a route home."

Kathryn hadn't wanted to laugh then. Chakotay had been so completely deadpan that the EMH had merely raised an eyebrow at being outdone at his own game. Not long after that incident Miral was rushed into sickbay with one of Tom's chess pieces stuck in her throat.

Kathryn placed Tara in the crib. She pressed her finger to her lips and Tara tried to imitate her, somehow knowing that she had to be quiet. Many times Chakotay had taken double shifts - working in hers as well. Then he had been so tired returning to their quarters that she always kept Tara busy with something while he rested. The baby's pink pyjamas - lay on her chest of drawers. Kathryn kept it ready while she prepared the baby's bath. Tara pulled herself up to a standing position that made Kathryn wonder how soon their child was going to walk. They had to watch her all the time whenever she crawled around on the floor, which was why Chakotay built Tara and Miral and baby Jamie play pens.

An hour later Kathryn was finished. Tara looked scrubbed, polished and patted, had her feed and looked sleepy. But Kathryn sat down in the rocker again and started telling Tara a little story. Her voice was a soft murmur that lulled the baby. Sometime later when Kathryn came to, she realised that both she and the baby had fallen asleep.

She was exhausted. Her day had been long and after lunch with Chakotay and the way he kissed her left her thinking too much about it and consequently drained. Kathryn smiled as she remembered how Chakotay had ordered her to remain in bed, he'd do the pyjama drill with pleasure. She rose finally and gently laid Tara down. Her cheeks looked rosy in the low illumination.

Only then Kathryn walked back to the lounge area. Chakotay was still sleeping. She allowed her thoughts to focus on what happened this afternoon and B'Elanna's recounting of their meeting in Engineering. Chakotay had been studying the logs and she had known he would have questions, especially about Seska, all the things that were kept out of official logs. Chakotay's own personal logs... Kathryn sighed. She didn't want to go there. He had deleted everything pertaining to New Earth...

He lay on his stomach, his hand trailing on the floor. He had not bothered to cover himself with a blanket, nor got an extra pillow. It was so like him that her heart contracted for a second as she bent down next to him and caressed his hair, his cheek, her fingers gently resting against his lips.

She rose again and returned a minute later with a light blanket and pillow. He wasn't going to sleep with her in their bed. Not tonight and probably...never. She desperately needed to spoon herself against him and inhale his maleness, dream of lovemaking before drifting to sleep.

"Kathryn..." he murmured her name, then shifted to lie more comfortably. Kathryn rose slowly, remembering belatedly that she hadn't had anything to eat. She showered first and felt better half an hour later. On lazy evenings she always relaxed in the tub Chakotay had made for her. Her mouth curved into a gentle smile at the memory of the many times they had made love... Shaking her head, she tied the cord of the burgundy dressing gown a little tighter round her waist and walked over to the replicator.

She ate her dinner in silence, always remaining alert if either Tara or Chakotay should wake up. Her heartbeat had quickened when he murmured her name in his sleep and her hope had flared for one wild second that he might have remembered her. She'd made up her mind to speak with the doctor the next day to discuss some radical treatment.

Chakotay didn't seem to be anywhere near regaining his memory; it appeared as if he regressed. The way he kissed her this afternoon was, she realised belatedly, a tester. Chakotay was trying to feel some connection between them. She had melted into him like she always had and all that happened for him was in reality...nothing. She couldn't bear it if he touched her like that again. She'd found it impossible to resist easing his tortured mind and kiss him like she always had? Now he looked at her like a detached stranger who tried to remember that he was her husband.

She heard him groan again and rushed from the table to kneel at his side.

"Chakotay..." she whispered. She stroked his cheek. He had turned again and was facing her. His eyes flew open suddenly and fixed on her concerned face.

"Kathryn?"

"Shhh...it's alright, sweetheart. Sleep. You were dreaming, maybe. Rest, please..."

Chakotay groaned again and held his head, his face drawn in pain. Kathryn rushed to the bathroom and returned with a med-kit. Seconds later she filled a hypospray.

"I don't want - " Chakotay still protested but Kathryn held him gently back.

"Doctor knows you haven't had any medication today, and no injections, Chakotay. You need this..."

"Kathryn, it makes me more sick..."

Kathryn looked at him for such long moments in which her eyes misted over that he responded with:

"What...?"

"You always said that, did you know?"

Chakotay tried to sit up and she helped him to a sitting position, seating herself next to him but in such a way that she faced him. She lifted the hypospray to his neck and one familiar hiss later, the injection was administered.

"Thank you..." he said stiffly, aware of her nearness.

"No problem, Chakotay. I did say you should hail me any time you felt the need to."

He looked at her and knew she was referring to his conversation with B'Elanna, and he couldn't miss the slightly accusing tone to her voice. He knew she might have resented that he went to another person, even if that person was B'Elanna Torres. But he got what he needed to know from her. Kathryn's eyes got a shuttered look, one that a moment ago had misted over with tears.

"Seska was always between us, wasn't she, Kathryn?" he asked quietly. Kathryn looked away, but he pulled her closer to him and held his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Wasn't she?" he asked again.

"It's over, Chakotay," Kathryn said quietly.

"Some things lingered, Kathryn, and I can't remember them. I need to know them..."

"There has been too much...pain..."

"For me?" he asked.

"For both of us, Chakotay. I - " she paused, her throat suddenly thick with unshed tears. She wondered absently why now, when Chakotay's memory was gone, he needed to understand all the pain and heartache that accompanied their union right until Tara's birth. There had been so much heartache. Too much, she thought. That she had finally become Chakotay's wife had been the end of her longest struggle against herself and the beginning of new ones, ones in which Chakotay had been at pains never to hurt her. He was always so sensitive to her, caring of her needs and mostly, afraid that she'd... Kathryn shook her head. When Tara was born, Chakotay had been terrified... He didn't remember any of that now... God help him.

She felt him draw her closer to him. Her instinct was to stiffen, to withdraw, but his touch had been gentle, not threatening, and with a soft sob she curled herself into his embrace.

Some twenty minutes later she had no recollection of Chakotay lifting her in his arms and tucking her in her bed. She had fallen fast asleep resting against his hard, assuring chest, like she had done so many times in the past. On her side of the bed the cover had already been drawn back. Kathryn had stretched out her hand to his side and for a moment Chakotay experienced a pain in his chest. She was like Tara, he thought. Or, was Tara like her? Kathryn's palm rested against her cheek and she gave a deep sigh as she settled again and slept. The lapels of her gown had fallen away and he could see the spaghetti straps of her nightie, the low neck line, her creamy breasts. Chakotay stood there and watched Kathryn for a long time; he had the urge to lean over and gently kiss her cheek. He bent down and smoothed her hair from her face. "Chakotay..." she whispered his name. He wanted to kiss her, but he withheld himself, thinking how her heart broke in her eyes this afternoon when he had kissed her.

Chakotay walked back to the couch and wondered how he had the discipline not to take advantage of his wife who in those moments looked so completely vulnerable and desirable.

END CHAPTER SIXTEEN


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The sun shone today, creating dappled rays on the forest floor and kissing the stones and branches that lay in the clearing. The river widened into what he could only call a very large pond, deep enough to swim at least fifty metres to the opposite bank. He'd found this spot only days after their arrival and after a two hour trek through the forest.

That part of the river was flanked by boulders on both sides. Chakotay lay on a large flat rock that he was convinced the spirits created just for him and Kathryn. She had laughingly christened it "Breakfast Rock" after he hauled her with him one morning to share in his find of the largest rock pool on New Earth. So whenever the weather was pleasant they made the trek to the rock pool to have breakfast. By the time they reached the clearing they had worked up an appetite.

Breakfast Rock...

The first time he made love to Kathryn, it was on Breakfast Rock.

Now Chakotay looked down where Kathryn was stretched out sunning herself in languid enjoyment of their togetherness, allowing the balm of the sun's rays to kiss her creamy skin. She was beautifully naked. His breathing stopped every time he just looked at her, like now. He exhaled carefully, then swallowed some air again.

Kathryn lay propped against a cushion and her hair fanned golden bronze about her face. She had her arm draped lightly across her face to shield her eyes from the sun but he could see her lips, watch the way her eyelids flitted. Here, in their Eden, her lips naturally red and soft. He resisted the urge to kiss her and rather tortured himself sweetly into enjoying the view.

"You're staring, Chakotay."

"You know."

She shifted only slightly, the movement so subtle that the colours around her also became alive. In the late afternoon sun the combination of her bronzed hair, her dreamy eyes, red lips, the fawn-coloured blanket and the dark grey of Breakfast Rock became an impression of glorious textures.

"You remind me of a painting. An old 16th century painting..."

"Like Tintoretto?"

How did she know?

"Er...no, more like Titian, perhaps. Danaë dreaming in her bronze tower."

"And you are Jupiter? Chakotay, sweetheart, I'll have you know, their women were fleshy."

"But erotic, way too sensual not to inspire so many painters to eternalise women in the nude."

"I am erotic?" she teased, "and sensual?"

"Taut skin, yet soft to the touch - a combination of infinite possibilities of soft and hard, light and shade, changing colours and textures that move as the light falls on your hair..." he carried on, stroking her thigh, his fingers caressing her skin.

Kathryn lay still, and he knew just how she enjoyed his exploration of her body. He felt her move and her skin tingled under his touch. Chakotay smiled inwardly, sensing victory. Out here, in the open, they could lie naked and never concern themselves with decorum or rules that belonged to a life they no longer yearned for. After breakfast this morning they had made love and Kathryn had been totally free and generous with her body. The birds had suddenly fluttered from their trees when two human voices in the throes of their lovemaking cried out and their cries mingled with the morning air. Chakotay was sure they never heard the birds.

Like that Kathryn loved making love with him. They were rarely in the shelter on his bed or hers. It was always somewhere else, on a bed of soft grass or leaves, next to Kathryn's precious tomato patch, or here on Breakfast Rock. He had that feeling after the first time they came together here, that she needed to endorse her final shedding of her reserve, a moment in which she sobbed afterwards in his arms, crying and laughing that she was free, and do it in a place which bore no official markings and protocols of bed, walls, darkened rooms...

Tonight in their shelter she would be the cat, victoriously clawing and biting her way all over him, but now, sweet Danaë purred and he was the shower of gold come to seduce her. Her eyes became soft pools of heaven in which he could lie dreaming forever. His heart thundered and he drew in his breath sharply. Sometimes, Chakotay wondered who was the conqueror and who was the vanquished. Kathryn could melt him with her eyes... His fingers splayed possessively over her warm centre and he watched with barely concealed ecstasy how her eyes closed slowly and her breathing became shallow, low gasps.

"Hmmm..."

Then he loved her all over again, joining his body with hers, wishing that they could be free like that forever.

His palms cupped her and he kept his eyes on her, watching the emotions play on her expressive face. Like the colours of Titian's Danaë in her tower, Kathryn's face became alive.

"I love you, Chakotay," she breathed some time later, her eyes still smouldering with passion. Chakotay was far gone himself. He pulled her up with him and hugged her tightly.

"Love of my life..." he whispered against her hair.

"Race you to the other side!" he challenged Kathryn days later as he stood on Breakfast Rock and prepared to dive into the pool.

"Oh, no, you don't," Kathryn yelled, then pulled him back. A second later she executed a neat dive into the water, mindless of the coldness of it and started swimming strongly.

Chakotay dived in after her and soon he was alongside her. A few more strokes and he was ahead. "See you later, sweetheart!" he shouted before kicking faster and sculling like mad. When he reached the other side and stood up in the water, he was surprised. He couldn't see her. Where was Kathryn? For a moment he panicked, then Chakotay felt himself pulled under.

"Hey - !" He choked and splashed about. When Kathryn came up, she laughed brightly at him. For several minutes they splashed and played until Kathryn dunked him again.

"That's for not making love to me last night!" she complained loudly when he recovered, but his recovery was short-lived.

"Oh, yeah? Come here, you little vixen," he threatened.

His arm shot out and he caught her, pulling her closer to him. The sun caught in her wet hair and her hair flashed golden sparks. Her eyes had gone soft again - soft and mysterious and warm and smoky all at once. The water glistened on her skin, and from her parted lips water droplets hanged precariously like little pear-shaped diamonds before lazily plopping down... Kathryn was sensual woman, eternal mystery that baffled men through the ages. Chakotay was stunned into silence, dazed for a moment, just gazing open-mouthed at Kathryn standing in his embrace in more than a metre deep of water and all he wanted to do was make love to her.

He made sensual love to her, right there in the middle of the pool.

"I love you, Kathryn," he said gruffly.

"Do you ever think of Seska?" she asked him that night as she lay in his arms.

"No..."

"You loved her?" Kathryn asked, her head lifting slowly so she could look at him.

"Maybe. In the beginning. When I met you, I knew about love, honey."

"But she made a baby with you, Chakotay," Kathryn persisted.

He sighed. When he turned on his side to face her, he said, "Love...there is pain in giving, Kathryn. Seska stole from me what I would gladly share with you a hundred times over, in the flesh, Kathryn."

"Do you think of the baby?"

He sighed again. Sometimes Kathryn was persistent.

"It's going to be my son, Kathryn. He - he should be born by now, I think."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. You can't know how sorry I am."

"That I turned to her when you - when you - " He found himself unable to voice his question.

"Rejected you, Chakotay. You wanted to marry me. You loved me and I took off like a hunted doe."

Chakotay pulled her so that she lay on top of him, her legs straddling him. He looked deeply into eyes that suddenly clouded over with worry.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway. Our life is here, on New Earth. Love of my life... Don't, don't crucify yourself."

Then he kissed her gently, his lips lingering infinitely softly on hers. He felt the tears sting behind his eyelids and before he could prevent himself, he gave a sob and cried.

Always, he could see in her eyes whatever mood took her at any moment. On those golden days on Breakfast Rock there were never any shadows or odd turbulences that disturbed Kathryn's equilibrium. She would have that peaceful look in them in her quiet moments when he knew she wanted to be alone, and both valued that they could give one another breathing space. Kathryn would not speak for hours but he knew that she was at peace.

Her eyes laughed on most days, especially the day she finally admitted that she would be spending her life on New Earth. At first there was resignation , later the resignation turned to acceptance and acceptance turned to joy.

"Because, I am not alone, Chakotay. You are here, my rock."

On other days she would be sad, and he knew she'd be thinking of Voyager, her vessel and her crew and he sensed she'd wonder how far they were on their journey home. On those days he simply sat with her on Breakfast Rock and stroked her arm. He never did more than stroking her arm, and she always appreciated that his understanding lay in his heart and his nearness alone. On those days her eyes changed to a dark grey colour that gradually became lighter as the sadness left her.

Today he felt uncomfortable in his uniform. He wondered if Kathryn felt it too. They hadn't worn it since they arrived here and had never, after a while, even thought about it. They were standing together outside their shelter, ready to be beamed to Voyager. But it was not the uniform that made his heart feel like it was going to break into pieces and become fodder on the floor of their love. Their idyll lay in fragments that would never be healed again. They were waiting to return.

Voyager came.

They were leaving.

Kathryn was leaving.

He saw it in her eyes. She didn't need to speak. The old shadows were there, and he realised belatedly, had never really left Kathryn. They had just respectfully shifted away for a brief time to allow her the freedom with which she could liberate her mind and her body and her soul and love Chakotay with all her heart.

Now Voyager was going to claim the love of his life. Her vessel was going to assimilate Kathryn Janeway into her bulkheads, all ship's systems and the chair on the bridge and turn her into Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship USS Voyager. It was an entitlement that came back in Kathryn's eyes and made her dwell again on Earth as Home, and New Earth as home away from home.

For here, on New Earth, he had been her equal. Perhaps more than that.

When they sat in their chairs again on the bridge of the ship that belonged to Captain Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay would be again Commander Chakotay, First Officer. The role of consort would be one in name only, with none of the privileges of uniting bodies, and never of joining hearts.

He knew with a sickening dread deep in his being, that their Eden was over, Their idyll was only a memory and his love for her would be again his torch song of pain.

Even as he stood next to her and stole a glance at her, Kathryn Janeway moved slowly away from him. Further and further away she floated. She became a haze, a grey blur that receded into the distance. Chakotay reached out a trembling hand to bring her back. His eyes begged for mercy of her return, but the blur deepened into a dark mist which even concealed the moon.

He wanted to call her.

Come back, my love. Come back, my love.

"Kathryn, love of my life! Don't leave me, please! Come back to me..."

But moon was gone and night deepened.

"Love of my life..."

He touched his face and realised his cheeks were wet. Did the mist do that? Someone was shaking him and calling his name. He tried to drift back through the fog.

"Chakotay, Chakotay! Wake up, wake up, please! You're dreaming..."

Chakotay slowly opened his eyes, struggling to focus. He was drenched in sweat and Kathryn was looking at him with deep concern in her eyes.

"Kathryn?"

He touched his cheeks. They were wet

"Shhh... you were dreaming, Chakotay. It's okay."

"Dream?"

"Yes..."

He tried to think, tried to gather the fragments of the dream Kathryn spoke of.

It was a thick fog, an impenetrable fortress that trapped his memories behind grey walls.

He tried again to remember his dream. Nothing. His body started rocking; his breathing became erratic.

"Chakotay?"

"I can't remember what I dreamed, Kathryn," Chakotay said, his voice trembling as he started to hyperventilate. "I don't remember!"

"Chakotay..."

He held his head in his hands and rocked, only vaguely aware of Kathryn's arm round his shoulder.

"What do you feel, honey?

He stopped rocking and stared at her with wild eyes. The words burst heatedly from his lips:

"There is a chasm, of darkness and no moon... I feel only deep, deep sorrow. Why, Kathryn? Why am I feeling so indescribably sad?"

She couldn't answer him, but her eyes filled with tears as Chakotay began rocking again, whimpering incoherently, "Why am I so sad?

"Oh, dear God, help me..." Kathryn cried.

END CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Kathryn stood in the lounge and watched Chakotay. It was early morning and Tara was still sleeping. An hour ago she had jackknifed from the bed when she heard Chakotay's restless moaning. Then he remained unresponsive because he couldn't remember the dream.

She'd held him close to her when he cried out in his sleep, then rocking him because he was distraught at the extreme sadness in the wake of his dream.

Her heart burned for him. On New Earth Chakotay had always called her "love of my life". Those were the words she heard earlier - forlorn, without hope. She wondered whether his dream had been about that hidden period of their life, their idyllic existence on a strange planet.

She felt powerless, a feeling that was strange to her.

He had a drawn, tense look on his face, the lines of his mouth grim, remaining resolutely quiet. After he'd woken up he'd silently gone about going to the bathroom, showering and getting dressed. She was strongly considering speaking to the EMH as soon as she could get an opportunity to do so. Something had to be done. Chakotay was moving away from her and Tara - further and further away...

The Maquis dress he had kept all these years still fitted him snugly, reinforcing once again his old ruggedness. It enhanced the ruthless streak that simmered just underneath the polish of Chakotay's civility, his great sense of honour and fairness. He had been an angry warrior most of his life. With her he had become her peaceful warrior. The clothing was strong - dark brown colours that was Spartan more than a statement of fashion. It was practical covering that suited the aggression. On Chakotay it had become him.

That was it. Chakotay always looked so much more aggressive in his Maquis clothing than in anything else he had ever worn. His red Starfleet uniform was not only stylish but suggested order, discipline, regimentation, a sharp contrast with the high boots, the belt around his waist, the way his muscles strained at the arms and shoulders, even through the fabric.

That was not all. A few minutes after he'd dressed, he walked back to his wardrobe and fished out his boxing gloves. Her heart sank. The small inch he'd moved forward was all but wiped out by the way he stood in front of her, the gloves hanging from his fingers, a tog bag ready on the floor - ready to battle an invisible foe.

"You don't have to do that, Chakotay." How could she keep the gnawing anxiety from her voice?

"I don't know who I am, Kathryn."

"Let me help you then, Chakotay. You - "

"How?" he cut in savagely. "I'm reading things about a Commander Chakotay who is a different person, a different man. It doesn't sound like me, Kathryn!"

There was a note of desperation in his voice. She tried to place herself in his situation, of feeling displaced, lost, hoping that everything around her should evoke a recollection of some kind.

She closed her eyes, sseing the large, flat rock on New Earth, two persons lying there in the sun, naked. Then the image was gone. Kathryn brushed trembling fingers across her brow. When she spoke, it was barely above a whisper.

"Then let me remember for you, please..."

Chakotay took a step closer to her. The gloves dangled from his hand. His face looked suddenly hard, the planes more chiseled than the smoothness she used to touch in the evenings when they retired for bed. She had to remember that he had been discharged from sickbay only a day ago. He was still ill, weak from his ordeal. There was a determined edge to his voice. Kathryn wondered if Chakotay realised at all how different he sounded. But then, how could he? He had no recollection of the man he had evolved into. Therefore he couldn't know what he had become - a man of honour and valour. He was her warrior, and right now her warrior was in a belligerent mood.

"How would that make me happier, Kathryn? Or more content? Or, the spirits forbid, help me accept my fate?"

"Chakotay, at least, you'll know how to deal with some of the situations that you will encounter just walking the ship," Kathryn replied with sudden fire. Her hands had gone where they always did when she was in command mode - on her hips. Chakotay stared for a second, blinked and again Kathryn's heart thundered wildly that her stance might have stirred a lingering memory.

"Look at me, Kathryn Janeway! I am Maquis, it's all I remember! I've lived a life that would make all your experiences on Starfleet vessels pale into irrelevance. I've done things, and things have happened to me I'm not proud of, but I fought for the freedom of my people! I have no family, I have no ties, and here, on Voyager, I learn that half of the "family" I had on the Liberty had died. I've had to learn that there was a Dominion War and that Maquis who weren't raped, killed, wiped out or tortured are rotting in Federation prisons where they just possibly are brutalised for being traitors. That was my life, the life I remember!"

"Chakotay, we forged a new crew, and you have a new family! You have me, you have Tara. We - "

He closed the distance between them, gripped her shoulders so tightly that she winced in pain, but Chakotay was oblivious to her discomfort. His eyes were coal black, yet they sparked fire.

"This morning I awoke from what _you_ tell me was a dream. I woke up and there was nothing. Nothing! I cannot remember anywhere in my life that I felt sorrow so deeply. I've been angry, Kathryn, for a long, long time. I've been tough, aggressive, I've killed men, I've been tortured - yes, don't stare at me like that! I've felt loneliness and sometimes, just sometimes, there was joy that I could save a woman from the clutches of Cardassian rapists. I've felt isolation, fear, compassion, empathy, sympathy, and sometimes, I damned felt near to tears. I've lost everything that connected me to a name, a family, a home, Kathryn, but I can tell you I have never felt such deep, dark, aching sadness waking up this morning. Never!"

He shook her so hard that her tears spilled and rolled down her cheeks.

"You'll get better - " she tried to placate.

"As what? A living replica of a man who was your husband?"

"Who _is_ my husband! I'm sorry, Chakotay. I want to, but I can't give you back six and a half years... Forgive me..."

"For what? Asking me to assume the life of another man?"

"Chakotay! _You are my husband_ ! Doesn't that count for something?"

Her words sounded suddenly without her earlier passion. She was losing him. His anger was borne out of frustration that she and Tara were living proof that his life changed and his dimensions forever shaped to include them, and he couldn't give a single account of it. How could she deny Chakotay's old life? How could she deny the very cause that made the Federation send her after him to bring him home, to justice and to prison? She couldn't, and however much she tried to convince him that he was a different man now, Chakotay's recollections of his life stalled when Gul Evek rained fire on him in the Badlands.

"If I could remember, it would, Kathryn. _If_ I could remember! So now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to find someone in the holodeck I at least know!"

"Chakotay!"

In desperation she threw herself against him and her arms clamped around his waist. Chakotay's hands came up, the pair of gloves still dangling. Resisting the urge to hug her very close to him and caress her hair and make her feel better, he clutched her shoulders again and thrust her from him.

"Leave me, Kathryn. I am dead!"

A loud wail sounded from the baby's room and Kathryn swiveled round, then turned quickly to look at Chakotay. Her eyes were dark with pain.

"She's your little girl, Chakotay..."

Chakotay hesitated for a second, then he turned on his heels and before Kathryn could call him back, the cabin doors had opened and closed. Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose, blinked several times, then turned and walked swiftly to comfort Tara who had pulled herself up in her crib and sobbed with large gulps.

"Oh, sweet Tara," she cried as she lifted the baby out of the crib and held her close to her, "what's to become of us?"

888888888888888888888

Chakotay stumbled drunkenly in the ring. His legs buckled under him before he straightened up. Through his swollen eye he could just make out Baby Jake's figure as his opponent pranced about on the canvas, punching the air while he waited for Chakotay to close in.

"Come on, Kid! Don't drop your arm! I said, don't drop your arm!" Boothby yelled.

Chakotay shielded his face with his gloves, then he dodged Baby Jake's lethal upper left hook, dropped his guard for a second when his legs buckled again. The next moment a fist crashed against his jaw. His head jerked back and he sagged to his knees. Shaking his head to clear the wooziness he turned to Boothby.

"What did I tell you?" the old crony mumbled. "C'mon, get up! Get up!"

Chakotay tried to get up. He was drunk, one tooth was loose and blood oozed slowly from a deep cut on his left eye brow ridge. He was certain his nose was also broken. The eye had swollen to proportions impossible to see through. Through his good eye he could see Baby Jake dancing around him. Struggling to get up and standing at last, Chakotay staggered towards his opponent. Baby Jake threw a few shadow punches, danced around lightly and taunted:

"C'mon, Sweet Chuck, you got ants in your pants! Jelly-knees!"

"I'll kill you..." Chakotay warned as he threw a right jab at Baby Jake, but the younger boxer deftly averted his slow punch and swung another sharp left hook, followed by a left jab to the mid-section. Chakotay doubled up in pain. By the time Chakotay slumped to the floor he knew that his lip was split open, another tooth had dislodged and he was going to vomit blood. He was winded, dazed. The ring spun madly around him. Then mercifully the spinning slowed down. He spit blood on the canvas, slowly rising to his feet.

"Okay, that's enough, Baby Jake," he heard Boothby shout at the boxer.

"W-Wait..." muttered Chakotay through swollen lips and eyes, lifting a gloved hand, "I'm not..."

"Are you mad?" Boothby shouted. "Baby Jake's got your number, Kid! Stop it! Now!"

"I'm not finished..."

Chakotay wobbled about, unable to see properly even through his good eye. His body was bruised, his gut punched raw. With his vision seriously compromised, he managed to see the hovering blur of his opponent's gloves as he punched air. Baby Jake's voice taunted him, called him Sweet Chuck again...

"You're crazy, Chakotay, crazy!" Boothby's voice sounded dimly as Chakotay's ears buzzed from the last blow to his face.

Chakotay moved in on Baby Jake. The younger boxer was far more agile. Chakotay had not fully recovered from his injuries and his head ached, but he was determined to knock Baby Jake out.

"Come on, Baby Jake," he mumbled through swollen lips, "let's see how your puny left hook - "

"Kid! Don't drop your - !" Boothby shouted a warning.

Too late! Chakotay was wide open as he dropped his fists to chest level. The next moment Chakotay's head snapped back as a left upper cut followed by a right hook split the eyebrow of his good eye. He saw blinding sparks, a bright light overpowering him, then everything went black as he collapsed to the floor.

"Damn! Damn! Damn!" Boothby cussed as he climbed into the ring and bent over his boxer. He looked irritably at Baby Jake.

"What the hell have you done!"

"You said three rounds, boss. I went three rounds. I should have knocked him out in one!"

"You knew his weakness, Baby Jake. Better watch it. Next time, he will kill you."

Boothby bent over Chakotay. "Damn foolish man," he muttered as he checked Chakotay's vital signs. Then he frowned, looked up at the young boxer who was still prancing about in the ring.

"He's dead, you moron! You killed him!"

He looked back at the prone boxer, his eyes widening as Chakotay started to moan.

"Oh, hell, what now?"

"Computer...end...programme..." Chakotay croaked before he lost consciousness again.

END CHAPTER EIGHTEEN


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

When Kathryn returned to her quarters during lunch time, she expected to find Chakotay there. He had gone out early the morning, and they parted angrily. She wasn't certain how he was going to react to seeing her again, but she had to speak with him, confront him about his behaviour that was slowly affecting them all negatively. Chakotay had looked so Maquis and so aggressive that she had difficulty reconciling that man with the man she married two years ago. She gave a sigh. There had been so many tears, even on her wedding day...

She took in a deep breath when she walked to Chakotay's side and to his office area. She frowned when there was no sign of him, then she hit her commbadge.

"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in holodeck 2."

"Computer, what programme is running?" As if she didn't know. He had taken his boxing gloves and togs this morning.

"There is currently no programme running in holodeck 2."

"What?"

"Please restate your request."

"How long has Commander Chakotay been in holodeck two?"

"Three hours and forty minutes."

By the time the computer responded, Kathryn was on her way out of the quarters. She walked briskly, almost knocking a crewmember out of the way in her hurry. She had hardly time to note an apology and nodded quickly. The ensign just kept smiling as she made her way to the mess hall where she was going to meet her friend who would be the first to know that Captain Janeway was seen hurrying again in the direction of sick bay. The ensign had no doubt that it was sick bay since she heard the distress in the Captain's voice.

"Janeway to sick bay."

"Yes, Captain, what can I do for you?" the voice of the EMH sounded.

"Commander Chakotay has been in holodeck 2 since this morning. There is currently no programme running. I fear something may have happened to Chakotay. He's been in there for hours and not responding to my hail. Get him out of there, Doctor. I'm on my way to sick bay."

"Yes, Captain."

"Janeway out."

The second Captain Janeway closed communication, the EMH beamed an unconscious Commander Chakotay out of holodeck two. He lifted his eyebrows in mild surprise at the Commander's condition as he lay on the biobed. The EMH shook his head then set about scanning Chakotay's injuries, relishing the opportunity to apprise the Captain of the notion that no one on Voyager actually listened to the EMH anymore, and that Commander Chakotay was high on the list as one who was constitutionally unable to look after his body, particularly after the severe injuries he had suffered not more than a week ago.

Didn't the man ever listen? Who was he today? Kid Chakotay? The Doctor, who honoured The Oath, had a hard time keeping himself from giving the Commander a what-for, going three rounds just to knock sense into him. Did Chakotay think that his memory might return if he let a young boxer who operated on adrenaline alone beat his brains to a pulp? Chakotay's brain had been shaken around his skull like a beaten egg from the accident. He was still on the mend and what was he doing? Administer Instant Home-Based Medicare?

The EMH was as irate as he had been when he was first activated on Stardate 48315.6. He needed to have Tom Paris here to deal with Chakotay. The Commander had overstepped the limits to which he had tested the Doctor's good temperament with injuries from one person alone. He was done dealing with swollen eyes and loose teeth and cracked jaws and broken noses as well as transporting rank pins from babies' stomachs. What did they think he was? A country GP?

"Ah, Captain. It's good you are here. Commander Chakotay is about to wake up," he said without looking up as Kathryn Janeway entered the sick bay. She hurried to his side just as he groaned awake.

"Chakotay!"

"I'm not finished, Captain - "

Chakotay and Kathryn took no notice of the EMH who was still in the process of regenerating broken skin and closing the gashes above Chakotay's eyes.

"Kathryn..."

"Do you even recognise him, Captain?" the EMH said smugly, then stalked to another bed where a sick ensign lay who was on the point of throwing up. Kathryn had eyes only for Chakotay.

"What happened? You were in the holodeck for hours, and - "

"Commander Chakotay was beaten to a pulp by Baby 'Iron Fist' Jake Watkins and knocked unconscious," the EMH shouted from Ensign Darkon's bed.

"Care to tell the Captain more, Doc, while you're at it?" Chakotay barked, then groaned again as Kathryn helped him to a sitting position. Holding his hand, her eyes darkened with concern at the sight of him. His face looked almost unrecognisable.

A little irritated that he had to treat an irresponsible First Officer for self inflicted wounds, the EMH wished Paris could deal with Chakotay. He had other patients to see. The Doctor cleared his throat impatiently as he lauched into Chakotay.

"He lost his mouth piece in the first round, dislodged two teeth in the second, a split lip, both eye brow ridges split wide open and here's the cherry on the cake, Captain. He had a broken jaw. I fixed that first. What a pity. The man can actually speak."

"Go to hell..."

"Chakotay!" Kathryn cried out, aghast.

"I think you'd better leave, Kathryn. I'll be alright."

Kathryn dropped his hand, distressed at how resolute Chakotay sounded.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," he sighed. "I'll be fine now, I just underestimated my opponent - "

"He compromised his own strength and well-being, that's what. Now, lie back, Commander, you need a face lift."

Chakotay grabbed the doctor's wrist. The EMH had been standing with the regenerator, ready to repair damaged skin.

"Do what you have to, Doc. I'll be out of here now - " When Chakotay sat up again and the EMH pushed him back unceremoniously.

"Captain?"

The EMH looked at Kathryn who nodded grimly. Chakotay needed to recover fully and he was ruining all his chances of doing so. He knew what was happening to him. He couldn't remember anything and the attempt to find the elusive links and images alone frustrated him. Those things came in his dreams which remained grey mists when he woke up. The Doctor, emboldened by the Captain's approval, jabbed Chakotay quickly in the neck with a hypospray. Chakotay's eyes widened for one second in total surprise before his eyes closed and his body sagged into a relaxed state. Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Doctor. I'll be in my ready room. I've arranged with one of the crew to look after Tara. When Commander Chakotay is awake, let me know, please."

"Certainly, Captain."

Kathryn turned to the sleeping man. Chakotay would remain sedated for the next few hours. Hopefully he would be calmer by then and she could attempt to talk to him again. She leaned over, took his hand again in hers and kissed him. He didn't stir at the touch, but she was gratified when a light sigh escaped him. When she straightened up again, the EMH said,

"Captain, Commander Chakotay will have to heal on his own. Regaining his memory is not going to happen with a knock to the head, or getting beaten senseless in a boxing ring. It's not going to happen with conventional medicine, and I would not recommend a mind-meld at this point."

"What are you saying, Doctor?"

"There are some things Commander Chakotay probably suppressed before the accident, and those things are what I believe, troubling him. It's very deeply embedded and well, there's no knowing when or what would trigger those memories..."

Kathryn nodded and was almost at the sick bay doors when the EMH said softly, "I guess she's not going to tell him..."

Tom Paris made his way to sick bay whistling a tune. Here and there a word or phrase of the song came out.

"...a smile is just a smile..."

"A lovely day for it, Lieutenant Paris!" Naomi Wildman greeted brightly as she and Chell passed him in the corridor.

 _"...as time goes by-y-y-y-y...!"_

"Huh?"

" _Casablanca_ ," Tom offered jovially as Chell looked at him with a blank expression and Naomi frowned.

"Oh. Whatever. Right, Miss Captain's helper?"

Naomi nodded her head vigorously.

"Right."

"You should try it!" Tom said as he approached sick bay. He turned round to look at Chell and Naomi but they were out of audible range already. "Oh, well," he sighed. "I'm guess I'm alone in the desert. The last person who was interested in _Casablanca_ was Chakotay..."

Tom hesitated before he entered. He would be alone with Commander Chakotay today. The Doctor would be going off-line the minute he entered. Earlier this morning he'd told Tom he needed to update. Paris hadn't been fazed by the Doctor's announcement. He had been left in sickbay alone on more than one occasion and he was more than capable of dealing with sick patients and healing all ailments.

And, he was in a good mood today, especially after B'Elanna's very sensual backrub this morning. Nothing could disturb his equilibrium. Even Miral behaved after she had taken her very first steps too.

Now Commander Chakotay...

Chakotay got beaten up quite badly by Baby "Iron Fist" Jake this morning. Chakotay had lain unconscious in sickbay for hours before the Captain alerted the EMH. It had been all over the ship by high tea time, courtesy Ensign Darkon. The Commander had not been in the best of moods after that, and the Doctor had been forced to sedate the Angry Warrior. The Warrior even chased his wife out of sickbay and that was something to behold. The Captain got annoyed by the Commander's nonsense and he heard it was the Captain herself who instructed the doctor to sedate her very angry husband.

Tom sighed. He wondered how he would have reacted had he lost six and a half years of his life, that is, everything BV - Before Voyager. He'd not have known B'Elanna, or that he had married her, that they had a smart baby they called Miral, named after B'Elanna's mother...

Tom took a deep breath and stepped forward. The doors of sick bay slid open. In the far corner - he always referred to it as the High Care section of sickbay, he could see Chakotay sitting up. The EMH was offline and Tom shrugged, telling himself, _Remember, Tom Paris, you're in a good mood_.

Chakotay swung his feet off the bed.

"And where do you think you're going, Commander? I have to run tests - "

"Out of my way, Paris!"

"Jeez, I just got here, Commander. My, my - "

The next moment Chakotay stood on the floor, pushing Tom away from him. Tom staggered backwards but recovered instantly.

"No mercenary is going to touch me. Back off!" Chakotay spat.

"Commander, you forget," Tom started, emitting a light laugh, "your life belongs to me - "

"What? What did you say? My life belongs to you? You're nothing but a worthless, no-good wash-out trash looking for thrills in the Maquis! Move away from me, I said!"

"No, Commander, if you'll let me explain - "

"How many bars of latinum do you want this time, Paris? Enough to set up a bar for life, fly?"

Chakotay pushed Tom roughly away from him but Tom didn't budge, standing his ground with the big man. He had seen Chakotay's murderous eyes that had scared the hell out of him in the Maquis. This was not Voyager's First Oofficer facing off with him. It was Chakotay, the Renegade fighter, one who would not hesitate to kill. He'd killed Cardassians in cold blood while he, Tom... Yeah, what the hell had he been doing in the Maquis? Their roles had been so different, their purpose so divergent and their cause... Chakotay had a cause. Tom Paris, had none. This was not their First Officer of Voyager who'd mellowed and purged mostly of all his anger by the best woman who lived and breathed on this vessel. No, this was Chakotay who always hated him for what he represented.

"Nothing, Chakotay. Come on, big guy, we're friends - "

"God, me, friends with you? What cause were you fighting for? You wouldn't know a good cause if your Daddy bought you one!"

Tom could have decked Chakotay right there. It was uncalled for, it was wrong, but Chakotay was incensed. Chakotay was a sick man. His body was still healing and his mind... Tom knew he had an advantage he wouldn't use. Now, Chakotay hit home at an old raw nerve. One Tom had fought so hard to play down and forget. His father, the Admiral. Hell, the old man forgave him. Tom's hands went up, giving in just as Chakotay threw a punch against his chest.

Chakotay saw nothing but a barfly, no-good, no-cause arrogant spoilt brat who joined the Maquis for the thrill of it and not because he lost his home, his life, his peace of mind. Not because he killed men in cold blood for a cause and was on the run. Chakotay bristled as he spoke again, his words heated, passionate.

"I lost everything, Paris. Ask me about a cause, and I'll tell you what freedom is when you don't have it!" Chakotay shouted at him, about to land another punch. Tom just ducked neatly under the flailing fist, trying not to hit back when he could.

"For what it's worth, Chakotay, I also lost - "

"A home? Your homeworld? Your family? Your peaceful existence, your freedom? Tell me!"

"Fine! You want to hear something, Chakotay? When you say you lost your home, your family, they are gone. They're gone. In your heart you know you can't go back because they're not there. Perhaps in an odd sense you could make your peace with that. I wasted chances, Chakotay, and I'm not proud of it. I lost my family, yes! I lost them and I can't go back, because for a long time I believed my father didn't love me. He hated me. I disappointed him and I failed my parents. I was useless. My father is alive, Commander, but he's not in my life and I want him to be so badly because I need to show him that every man deserves a chance to make good on his sorry life. For me, stupid Tom Paris who is idealistic enough to believe in miracles, it means something that a man, my father is alive somewhere. It breaks me up that he cannot be with me."

Tom cheeks flamed at the admission. He had spoken little of this to B'Elanna. Chakotay backed down only momentarily.

"I know what I fought for, Paris. Dregs like you gave the Maquis a bad name - "

"Then, Chakotay, I'll tell you that my life changed. Yours did too, by the way - "

"Care to tell me what happened, smart-ass?"

Chakotay closed in again and landed another punch, but Tom blocked him and caught his wrists realising that the Commander was weak enough that he could hold back the big man.

" _Love_ happened, Chakotay. For me, for you and for a lot of people on this vessel," Tom bit out.

Chakotay stared at Tom, hard. Then he spat:

"No, shit happened, Paris. For me. I don't have a life, you understand me? I...don't...have...a...life...!"

Chakotay lunged forward and let fly with his fists. This time Tom let him land the first punch. His head snapped back and when he came upright again, he had his fists balled.

"Fine, Chakotay. If that is the way you want it, let's go!"

"Out of my way!"

Chakotay was blind with fury. He saw Paris's face and wanted to whip the smirk off it. In a terrifying rage he pulled his arm back, ready to strike. He lunged at Tom, but before he could hit, a figure dipped between them. An image of Kathryn, then Paris smirked. Kathryn cried:

"Chakotay, stop! What are you doing!"

Too late. Chakotay's fist aimed for the smirking face and he hit home. Hard.

"Chak - !"

It was not Tom Paris who fell. Everything happened so quickly that Tom couldn't prevent Chakotay hitting out. The Captain had come between them. Shock registered on Kathryn's face and before a stunned helmsman could stop the Captain from falling, she slid quietly to the floor and lay in a heap, unconscious. Already blood started oozing from her nose.

"Kathryn?"

A distraught Chakotay bent down and touched his wife's face.

"Kathryn? Oh, great spirits! Kathryn! What have I done?"

END CHAPTER NINETEEN


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

Commander Chakotay is in the brig.

It was all over the ship that the irate Warrior had decked his wife. No matter that it was an accident and that she had tried to stop the fight between him and Lieutenant Tom Paris. Whatever conjectures and romantic speculations had flown about the ship regarding this incident, the whole affair was distilled into one fact: Chakotay hit his wife.

Said Commander - who had only recently recovered from a terrible accident in which one crewman died - was overcome with guilt. Lieutenant Tom Paris felt equally remorseful that the incident had happened at all and it exacerbated the two senior officers' own involvement in allowing the Captain of Voyager to come between them.

The First Officer and her Chief Helmsman got into a brawl in a place usually reserved for individuals who were the _victims_ of such fisticuffs. It didn't matter much that the Commander had lost all memory of his experiences on board Voyager and all knowledge that the Captain was his wife with a beautiful little baby girl whom everyone on the ship wanted to look after. That was, as far as they were concerned, no justification for taking up arms against one's beloved.

The Commander hit his wife and that deserved all the heated discussion around private dinners, lunch hour meals in the mess hall or quick bites between shifts about the whys and wherefores of men behaving in typical swaggering alpha male manner that did not belong in the twenty fourth century. Indeed, according to all the female crew on board who immediately condemned the behaviour of both men - no matter what the provocation - such behaviour did not belong in any century.

Therefore, the Captain, a victim of alpha male behaviour was courageous in her attempts to admonish her husband before she did anyone else. She sent him to the brig as soon as the EMH had cleared her injuries. It was said she always saw to it that her own was in order, to set a good example to the rest of Voyager's crew. Therefore she deserved all the compassion and sympathy from her supporters as she lay in sickbay with a broken nose and two dislodged teeth.

On one thing they all were unanimous - Commander Chakotay could sure as hell pack a damned good punch.

Not that the Chakotay felt any better about the fact that the Captain had forgiven him. Even Lieutenant Paris who could have decked Chakotay in the first round seeing as how the Warrior was not as strong as he used to be before his accident, let the matter rest. He claimed for the umpteenth time to all who were interested in hearing it - Chakotay's life belonged to him. Regardless of the fact that Commander Chakotay acceded that niggling little fact grudgingly long before his amnesia, he had replied with equal conciseness, "Life? What life?"

The conclusion they came to was that they were in for a hard time during the next few months or for as long as it was going to take for Commander Chakotay to regain his memory. It was clear that his altercation with Lieutenant Paris was borne more out of his frustration that he couldn't give any account whatsoever of the last six and a half years of his life. It was not, as many thought, because of his old resentment that Lieutenant Paris joined the Maquis for financial gain and not because the Maquis were fighting a worthy cause.

Perhaps the fight did have one positive by-product - Chakotay settled an old score with Tom Paris.

In the sickbay the doctor had come online at the precise moment that Captain Janeway was knocked senseless by Commander Chakotay. The EMH wasted no time in grabbing the hypospray and sedating Chakotay again. Tom Paris helped him put the Commander on the bed.

"He's yours, Mr Paris. Let me see what I can do for the Captain." The EMH spoke tersely, clearly angered by what had happened. He bent down and lifted Captain Janeway on to an adjacent bed.

"I am sorry, Doc, that this has happened," Tom replied as he worked on Chakotay, clearing the remnants of the blue and black shiners the Commander got earlier the morning from Baby Jake.

"When the Commander wakes up, hopefully he will realise the consequences of his actions," the doctor bit out as he scanned the Captain for concussion. She had taken a blow to the face, but there was no knowing how badly she could have been injured. He reset her nose, and regenerated the skin under her eyes. She was still unconscious and after administering an injection, she groaned as she started waking up.

"W-What happened?" she asked as she tried to sit up. The EMH pressed her back, and she slumped against the headrest.

"You were in the way, Captain," Tom Paris said. "I'm really sorry you were hurt. Chakotay went all Maquis on me and - "

"Oh, dear God..." Kathryn groaned and closed her eyes again.

"He...er...has not forgotten my less than stellar role in the Maquis," Tom said, his voice tinged with a little bitterness. Tom had known that Chakotay was still in a time when there was so much mistrust and hatred between them. In the intervening years, so many things had changed, but Chakotay didn't know that.

"Tom, you know the truth," Kathryn Janeway replied. "He's not himself. He - he is just frustrated..." she said a little lamely, not knowing how to phrase her response without it coming across that she was defending Chakotay's actions. She'd had a briefing with her senior officers in which she had forewarned them that Chakotay's behaviour would appear uncharacteristic. Right now, what had happened, was for Chakotay completely in character as conduct from a period in his life that was over.

"Don't worry, I understand, Captain. It's just a pity," Tom grinned as he walked over to her bed, "that you got between us. I had everything under control..."

"He's in a vile mood, Tom - "

"Shall I keep him sedated for the rest of his life, Captain?" the EMH asked, peeved at being left out of the conversation. The doctor had moved to Chakotay's bed and jabbed him again. He woke up groaning, looking around groggily. Then Chakotay Kathryn lying on the other bed.

"Kathryn..." was his instinctive cry as he tried to sit up.

"Now, Mr Paris, you may leave the sickbay and I'll take myself offline again for the next few minutes. Captain, you'll be fine now. And you, Commander, it was time someone knocked some sense into _you_!" the Doctor said before vanishing in a huff.

"Er..." Tom cleared his throat as husband and wife stared at one another. Chakotay looked...ashamed and Kathryn Janeway had a pained, resigned, lost look in her eyes. "I guess I should leave..." Tom said to no one in particular as he headed for the sickbay doors.

Then Chakotay slid off the biobed and walked over to Kathryn who sat up when he approached her. An awkward silence followed He touched her cheek tenderly, wanting to take away her sadness. He could hear how she sighed as he embraced her.

"Are you my friend, Kathryn?" he asked hoarsely.

There was silence, and when he felt her nod, he asked, "Then will my friend forgive me?"

She moved so that she could look at him. His eyes darkened with new guilt.

"It was an accident, Chakotay."

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. So sorry..."

Kathryn pressed her palms against his chest.

"Let me help you..."

"I - " he started, wanting to reject her offer, then he said, "I don't know when this will go over, Kathryn. It's eating me up..."

"I know. I understand," she said, her mouth curving into a teasing, quirky smile, "providing I'm not at the receiving end of your right hook again."

Chakotay tried to laugh at Kathryn's attempt to lighten the situation, found he couldn't. He remained serious when he spoke again:

"It will not happen again, Kathryn..."

She reached up to touch his cheek with her palm. His hand covered hers.

"I know. You're an honourable warrior, Chakotay. Your promise is law..."

"It's...just that I find it so hard, you know, to think of you as - as..."

"...more than my friend?"

He remained quiet so long that she tilted her head to request a response from him.

"Yes..."

She cupped his cheeks with her palms. Her fingers trembled slightly. Her eyes were warm - warm and sad and hopeful at the same time. When she spoke, her voice was firm, reassuring.

"I understand. One day at a time, then, okay?"

Chakotay smiled. The dimples formed. Kathryn wanted to die.

"I struck a senior officer, Kathryn," he said, bringing their conversation again to what had happened.

"Yes. I have no option but to send you to the brig. You understand, don't you?"

"Perfectly. How long?"

With the air somewhat cleared between them, Kathryn smiled, a whole lot lighter than when she'd entered the sickbay earlier and got whacked by him.

"Three days. Tara and I will visit every night before her bedtime."

"You strike a hard bargain. I guess you were always like that?"

Kathryn squeezed his arm gently. "Chakotay, you have the opportunity to find out!"


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

Over the next two months Commander Chakotay tried his best to recoup six and a half years of memories through the ship's database, the official First Officer's logs, his personal logs and Kathryn's official logs. It was not the ideal solution, but it had to help in the circumstances. The three days in the brig had been chastening, but he felt comfortable enough to assume his duties again on the bridge. He had been apprehensive, not certain how he would be received.

The senior officers, however, were the bridge builders Kathryn had assured him of and they made his merging with them as painless and as comfortable as they could. They greeted as if he had never had the accident and never suffered amnesia. He felt good about it and became more and more confident as he sat next to Kathryn.

Some days when she could see the hesitation in his eyes, or that flash of frustration, she simply leaned across and covered his hand. It gratified her when she could feel how the tension slowly left him. Then he'd become attentive again, ask questions, offer solutions. He came up with unique ones because his Maquis fighting strategies and evasive maneuvers remained uncorrupted. He remembered so many of those that Kathryn had sworn he had never thought of in the last years. Then she constantly cast surprised glances at him. The senior officers became so aware of this that during one run when Voyager had to take cover from a hostile fleet of vessels in Sector 6574, Harry Kim asked Chakotay direct and not Kathryn for any ideas on evading the enemy.

Chakotay routinely noted these ideas in his official logs for future reference.

"I think, Captain," Tom Paris suggested one time when they exited the bridge together, "that the Commander is better now than before - "

"For saying that I ought to consign you to the brig again, Tom," she replied, but there was a twinkle in her eyes. "I do need my Chakotay back. All of him, " she continued on a more sober note.

"And you shall, Captain!"

It also became easier for him to deal with the crew, because it was so strange getting to know them all over again. They never reminded him of things that he should know about them. It helped a great deal and although it was not the ideal, Chakotay didn't feel so detached as he had before.

His first meeting with Seven, however, had been something of a trauma. He had walked into the mess hall and saw her sitting with Harry Kim. He stiffened noticeably, and a strange sense of having known her before overcame him. He left the mess hall hurriedly and when he entered the nursery where Kathryn was busy feeding Tara, she had put the baby quickly in Marla's arms and walked to him. He had a raging headache again.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"That girl - Borg, Seven of Nine?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"Why do I feel connected to her?" He had frowned deeply when he spoke, rubbing his temples.

"Chakotay, sit down," Kathryn said firmly. "We had you connected in the regeneration chamber.," she continued as he sat down next to her. He nodded. He had read that in the logs. "But you had also been connected before, assimilated in a way, and I suppose that was what brought it on..."

"I don't like it, Kathryn," he said with quiet desperation.

She smiled gently. "No, you never liked it."

That had been one of the minor ripples. Chakotay had slipped quite easily into the duties that had been his to begin with.

"It's because I have been a First Officer before, Kathryn," he told her late one evening while they were both going over ship's reports and Chakotay was studying to reassign duties to various crewmembers.

"I know. You're doing fine, Chakotay," she replied, smiling as she said so. She appeared a little more relaxed, especially since he made a serious attempt not to disturb her with the headaches that still troubled him occasionally. His dreams were blankets of mists that he couldn't remember afterwards. About that he remained quiet.

"So, I was responsible for severing Seven of Nine from the Borg Collective..." he said again one day.

"You hated her in the beginning."

"I'm certain I still mistrust her. They don't change their nature. Scorpions."

"We had an almighty argument about that, Chakotay."

"You're going to tell me I disagreed with your decisions, right?"

Kathryn smiled and nodded. He leaned over and touched her cheek. "I am enjoying getting to know you again, Kathryn," he said soberly, his face serious as he looked her in the eyes. Her eyelids fluttered and she pushed a strand of hair away from her face, becoming suddenly engrossed in the PADD she was studying.

Chakotay sat back and studied Kathryn. He spoke the truth, he realised with some insight. The last two months had been a voyage of rediscovery for him. Kathryn was at pains not to pressure him too much. She kissed him lightly on the cheek when she retired for bed. It had become a nightly ritual and he wondered whether they had always done that. She liked to soak in a tub too and he found that somehow incongruous with the woman who commanded Voyager with such firmness and strength.

"It's one of my vices, Chakotay. You were very quick to find that out," she said the first time he had seen her come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped round her. She had not been embarrassed, but Chakotay had not known where to look. She had walked up to him and squeezed his hand gently, reassuring him that it was okay.

"On a place called New Earth, right? We were stranded there for almost four months," he had said reflectively. He didn't pursue the matter again when he saw how Kathryn's eyes had clouded a little. In any case, he himself couldn't quite explain that feeling of sadness, like there was a void in his being which he need to fill when he mentioned New Earth. He sensed that New Earth had to be a turning point in their relationship. If not a turning point, then something that must have remained a burning issue between them.

Yes, he enjoyed getting to know his wife and baby again. Especially Kathryn. She had such expression in her eyes. He knew she was angry when her eyes turned from blue-grey to deep grey. That was when the last race they encountered made negotiations so difficult and she had trouble keeping her cool. When Voyager left that planet's space she had returned to their quarters, still simmering. He sat beside her on the couch and rubbed her arm, knowing that even though she might not want to talk immediately about it, she would later. He just kept on stroking her arm in a reassuring gesture that after a while he could see how the tension left her.

One evening, when Tara had been particularly fractious, crying the whole evening, he had taken the baby from Kathryn and rocked Tara until she became quiet again, falling asleep eventually in his arms. He had lain on his back on the couch and cradled Tara to him, talking to her, telling her little tales. When she slept he had remained like that for a short while before putting her back in her crib. Tara loved him, he was certain of that. She clung to him naturally, touching his tattoo, trying to pull his hair and laughed brightly when he tickled her or rocked her on his knee. Sometimes he carried her on his shoulders, running around the quarters that made her squeal with delight. Kathryn had tears in her eyes the first time he had done it.

"It's what you did all the time just before the accident, Chakotay," she said when he frowned at her tears. But her eyes had shone and he knew it was because she didn't tell him any of it. It was an action that had come spontaneously, something he always did.

One evening she was working late, catching up on work she had left to do the last minute. .

"Here, let me," he offered when he saw her rubbing her neck.

She turned and looked at him strangely. He didn't ask, but knew that she remembered a previous occasion when he had massaged her shoulders.

"Oh, that's so good," she murmured as he rubbed her tense neck muscles until they were pliant and relaxed again.

"I must have done this before, Kathryn," he said softly, his breath warm in her neck. She turned again to look at him and just nodded.

Several nights in the last two months he woke up in the dead of night, sweating profusely, gasping for air. Then Kathryn rushed to his side and rocked him until he became calm again. There would be no words spoken, but her touch and embrace, the way she held him was so reassuring that he was able to fall asleep again. And, he didn't go to the holodeck to sock Baby Jake.

The missing pieces of his puzzle still remained to him the source of his greatest frustration. He learned to temper it for he knew that his behaviour was affecting them. Tara sometimes burst wildly into tears when her parents came to heads in their quarters. They'd quickly back down and rush to the baby, Kathryn always so sweet in letting him pick Tara up and consoling the crying child. Then he'd feel the same guilt he had the day he knocked Kathryn unconscious, because they'd upset their baby. Later he would sit by Kathryn and just hold her hand and wipe tears that sometimes escaped down her cheek.

He still slept on the couch. About joining Kathryn in their bed was a thought that still troubled him. He had to take it one day at a time, like she said that day in sick bay after he knocked her out. One day at a time. He was doing it and getting more and more comfortable being in her company, sitting next to her, sometimes even holding her close in his embrace. On those occasions he could feel how she wanted to do more, press closer into him. She always backed off when he stiffened a little, not certain if he should follow through with kissing her like he nowadays wanted to do very badly. Perhaps she was still thinking of that first day when he had done so purely to test if he could remember her that way.

Chakotay felt better now and knew when to back away. He wanted to kiss her though. She was petit, beautiful, a little spitfire on the bridge and he knew that whatever there had been between them that had gone wrong, must have been because she found her duty greater than her personal life. That much he could gather from her official logs. Whenever he read those, he wondered how she could make time for Kathryn Janeway, for the warm and vibrant woman he could see she was, especially in their quarters where she could let her guard down. Reading those logs made him realise how difficult her task was, how great her mission to take them home, how much she lost of herself because she gave everything as the Captain of Voyager.

Chakotay sighed deeply. He came to realise that for Kathryn Janeway to make any sort of personal commitment such as giving her heart to a fellow officer, marrying and having children by that man was to have done something incredibly courageous. It could not have been easy for her. He realised that before his accident he must have been acutely aware of Kathryn's almost impossible task. Many a Starfleet officer would have deemed such fraternisation insurmountable. Reading her logs with a sort of detachment, as if he were an impartial person he understood her now more than in that life he couldn't remember.

Was that why there had been such a long time between his first offer of marriage and their marriage vows only two years ago? What were the circumstances two years ago that made it different from that first year when according to B'Elanna, he had proposed to Kathryn? Seska was no longer a factor, so what was between the lines that Kathryn wasn't telling him and that he couldn't sense anywhere reading the logs?

These missing pieces of the puzzle teased him so much that they gave him severe headaches which he tried to hide from her and the doctor. He knew the best option was to stop thinking about the past and get on with this new life. At some point when he felt confident enough that Kathryn wouldn't think he had ulterior motives, he would join her in their bed. He would kiss her and he would make love to her.

That thought made him smile. But it was late and Kathryn had risen some time ago from the couch. Tara was sleeping soundly. He had pyjama-drilled her in the last few weeks when she was teething again, something Kathryn had said he did so well when Tara sprouted her first teeth. He waited until Kathryn was out of the bathroom, and she walked to him to kiss him on the cheek.

"Good night," she said softly and she bent down to kiss him.

She smelled so good and he had trouble holding back. With some effort he managed to say just as lightly, "Good night, Kathryn..."

Chakotay woke from a sluggish, drug-like slumber when he heard crying. Thinking it was Tara, he jumped up, awake immediately, and was surprised when Tara was still sleeping soundly. Then he heard the crying again, more a moaning, he thought as he rushed to Kathryn's room. She was thrashing about restlessly and crying.

"Chakotay..." she gave a deep sob.

For a few seconds Chakotay stood rooted to the floor, and when Kathryn cried out again, he sat down on the edge of the bed and shook her gently awake.

"Kathryn...Kathryn...wake up..."

Kathryn opened her eyes slowly. She was lying on her back, the cover thrown off her and he fought to control his breathing when her creamy breast was revealed as the neckline of her nightie slipped down. But Kathryn stared at him with unseeing eyes as if she were seeing someone - him - in some hazy dream or not really seeing him.

"Help me, Chakotay," she cried.

Where was she? he wondered. What could make her voice sound so desperate, so forlorn and her eyes so full of fear?

"I'm here, Kathryn," he soothed as he lifted her to a sitting position and rocked her the same way she did so often with him in the last two months. His hand caressed her hair, and he smoothed the dampness away from her face. "What's wrong...?"

"I saw you. You were crying, Chakotay..." she cried softly as she nuzzled her face against his soft terry robe. Her arms clutched tighter around his waist.

"Where, Kathryn? Where did you see me?" he asked.

"I was injured and I saw you. There were tears. You never spoke about it afterwards...of your tears, never. And I - " she sobbed again before she continued, "I never told you I saw you."

He couldn't understand what she was referring to but he kept rocking her gently, knowing that she was fully awake and that she needed him to be there with her. His spoke in soft, gentle, calming tones, like he did with Tara. Kathryn's trembling, so violent at the start, gradually decreased until she became quiet. There was still the occasional sob and once, when she held her face away from him, he could see the tears glistening in her eyes.

"We crashed on a planet and I - I was dead for a few minutes..."

Chakotay nodded. He had read the logs pertaining to that accident. What were official logs but that it left out the emotional repercussions to those involved? Kathryn must have suffered, and he must have suffered. He felt an immense empathy for Kathryn, a blazing sensation in his heart that he could have reacted in the way Kathryn just said. He must have loved her deeply to have wept so and he must have been deeply afraid that he would lose her forever.

"I was afraid I could never tell you again..."

"Tell me what, Kathryn?" he asked.

"That- that my life was empty without you. That - that I would be too late - "

"Kathryn, we married. We have a little girl. She's over there, see? She's sleeping peacefully. And I'm here, with you. It wasn't too late, Kathryn. Never to late, you hear me?"

He had no idea where the words came from that he could so easily console her with, but she looked at him with such pathetic pleasure in her eyes that he pulled her into his embrace again.

"I never told you. I should have, Chakotay. It was too late...You - "

"Shhh, Kathryn, everything will be alright, you'll see. Everything..."

"It was all my fault, Chakotay. I loved you for so long, so hopeless, so long..."

Kathryn staring whimpering again and it was all Chakotay could do to try and comfort her. He slid under the covers with her and spooned her body to his. She curled herself so naturally into him that he was certain she was not aware of it, but it worked. Kathryn's body relaxed and her breathing became easier again, more calm than in the first throes of her dream. A long time he lay like that with her, wondering what had made her so afraid. If they did marry eventually, why were these things troubling her still?

"Chakotay..."

He thought she had drifted into sleep again. He was still awake and too aware that Kathryn's body was so soft and smooth as he pressed her to him. She had taken his hand and covered her breast with it. Chakotay was not surprised anymore. The action was natural, as if they had lain like that every night since their marriage. Only, he had no recollection or sense of it. Just, that it felt so right. It was good enough for him. Kathryn had given a deep sigh and became quiet again.

"Chakotay...?"

"Yes, Kathryn?"

"Don't - don't leave me, please..."

Was that what her nightmare had been about? He pressed her closer to him, and he felt for the first time a deep stirring in his loins. Trying to bank it down, he gave up. This was his wife, but right now, she needed his solace, his nearness, and that was enough, more than enough.

"I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart," he whispered, his breath fanning her neck.

Kathryn gave another deep sigh and then everything was quiet. When Kathryn's eyes opened again, it was morning and she sensed something. She was lying on her back, and his face was close to hers. His leg was draped over hers. Chakotay smoothed a few strands of hair from away from her face. For a moment she was disoriented, not remembering why he was in bed with her, but her heart beat wildly with excitement. He was with her in their bed and his body felt so warm and reassuring against hers. It felt...right. Then she remembered how distraught she had been during the night. Her eyes became soft at the way he looked at her. There was a question in his eyes, as if he had been mulling over some things all the while he had lain next to her and comforted her. With some insight she realised that he hadn't slept at all.

"Chakotay?"

"Tell me, Kathryn," he asked without preamble, "what happened two years ago?"

Chakotay looked expectantly at her, holding his breath as he waited for an answer. Kathryn closed her eyes for a few painful seconds and when she opened them again, they were filled with tears. She raised herself on her elbow. Her fingers traced the outline of his tattoo. She bent down and kissed him, her lips brushing his lightly.

"I asked you to marry me, Chakotay," she said softly. He was stunned for a second, and before he could respond, she added, "And, you rejected my offer."

"Just like that?" he asked.

"Just like that."

END CHAPTER TWENTY ONE


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note:**

 **I want to take the opportunity at this point to THANK every readers who has read and especially commented on the story. Those comments are much appreciated. Thank you!**

 **At the end of Chapter 21 Kathryn tells Chakotay that she asked him to marry her and that he turned down her offer.**

 **This new chapter offers the explanation to that, in case some readers were a little confused, seeing as J/C are married and have a baby.**

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

Chakotay felt a little guilty at leaving Tara with Sam Wildman, but Naomi had been over the moon when she took the baby. Tara was ten months old and crawled all over their quarters when she wasn't in her play pen. He had a hard time keeping her from squirming whenever he carried her.

"She never seems to be still for even two minutes when she's awake, Sam," he said ruefully. He rubbed his ear after Tara's razor sharp teeth had latched on his lobe and she refused to let go.

"Then you're in trouble, Commander," Sam replied. "You'd think they outgrow it, but...they don't."

Sam looked indulgently at her daughter who looked almost preteen so tall she was. Naomi was just as busy, never able to stand quite still for any length of time. The young child had gone to sit down with Tara on her lap, talking and cooing to the baby. Tara happily obliged, clapping her hands as Naomi sang a little nursery rhyme for her.

"She doesn't even miss me," Chakotay complained as he prepared to leave.

"That's because all the babies belong to the crew, Commander. They took Naomi over like that as well. It's probably one of the best things being on Voyager. We're a family..."

"Yes, you're right, of course. A family. I've felt that in the last two months, quite a lot."

"I understand. Now don't worry, we'll entertain Tara for the night and tomorrow morning I'll be taking her to the nursery myself. It's my turn to be there and Joe will be on duty there as well for half the morning..."

"Ah, yes, Joe..." Chakotay said with a meaningful air. "Joe..."

"It's not what you think, Commander - "

"It's what everyone seems to think, Ms Wildman. I - I am sorry about your husband."

Samantha sighed. Gresgrendrek had gone on with his life. He had taken a Ktarian woman and married her. While he had knowledge now about Naomi, he had indicated he'd not be in her way if she went on with her life too. It was hard for her and Joe, who had heard that Eileen died. His sons were being raised by his mother. It had been harder for him, but Joe had been kind to her, helping her so often with Naomi. Sometimes he was just so there...

"It- it was hard, in the beginning. Joe means well, but - "

"Samantha, you know my situation. I can tell you - don't throw away any chance at finding happiness again."

Samantha had a grateful look in her eyes. Chakotay was right. She had to free herself, like the Captain had. Just throw herself at Joe's mercy. She knew he wanted to be more to her. He was so kindhearted, and the one time he had ventured to kiss her, she had felt the stirrings of pleasure. It had been Valentine's Day and Naomi couldn't talk enough about the fact that her mother had received the largest bunch of roses she had ever seen. Sam gave a tender little smile. Perhaps tonight she could invite Joe to share dinner in her quarters, with the children in attendance.

She looked at Chakotay again and wondered if he realised how instrumental he had been in bringing couples together on Voyager. He had known from the start that Susan Nicoletti was going to lose her heart to Noah Lessing. And, it was Chakotay who told Mariah Henley not to be afraid to explore the strange emotion called love she experienced whenever James Hamilton had passed her way. Mariah had been a hardened, tough Maquis, softened by James Hamilton who was one of Voyager's pilots. Now Mariah was happily married and they had a beautiful baby boy, the youngest of the babies on board.

"Thank you, Commander."

'You're welcome." He bent down to kiss Tara who was preoccupied with Naomi's long hair and the nodes on her forehead. "Bye, sweetie..."

Tara took a moment to look at her father with her wide blue eyes.

"Da-da..."

"Oh, my!" Chakotay breathed with awe. "She spoke..."

By the time he left Sam's quarters, he felt lighter in spirit than he had in a while. He took the first turbolift on his way to the holodecks. Early this morning Kathryn had woken up, showing little surprise that he was in bed with her. He had been worried when she' woken up from her nightmare, unable to stop shivering or sobbing that he shouldn't leave her.

Sighing, he wished to heaven he knew about his life, every single facet of it, especially his emotions or emotional reactions to things that happened between him and Kathryn. It did feel good, however, to lie next to her in bed. He could wake up like that every morning. This morning he enjoyed watching Kathryn. It was a revelation, the way she lay so still in deep sleep that her earlier thrashing around had been such a contrast. He reckoned her to be a quiet sleeper, one of those people who didn't stir the covers much when it came to morning.

All the time he'd been wondering Kathryn's dream and why she kept telling him that it was too late, that it was all her fault. She blamed herself for pretty much everything, it seemed. He smiled inwardly. When she'd woken, he couldn't help the first thing that slipped from his mouth.

"Tell me, what happened two years ago?"

"I asked you to marry me," she had replied. Then she added: "You rejected me..."

"I'm sure there had to be a reason I turned you down, Kathryn," he said eventually, after recovering from his surprise. They then married after all, so what could have been the impediment to the marriage of true minds?

Kathryn had bent down to kiss him a second time. He still had to recover from being kissed so full on his lips. It had been a feather-light brush but it burned, his body going into little shocks of pleasure.

"You went alpha male on me..." she'd said.

"I did? Even then?"

He had been gratified to see her smile when she lifted her face away from him again.

"We were in the holodeck, in an empty Sandrine's. I asked you to marry me. There - we - you - I had given up by then," she whispered. "I knew I was losing you, Chakotay..." She had become agitated again and he was quick to soothe away her fear, by kissing the tip of her nose.

"You were saying?"

"Then you said you couldn't accept my offer."

"I would never turn you down, Kathryn, right?"

"You don't know how afraid I was! Afraid and embarrassed! I had mustered the courage after many sleepless nights to ask you, because I was certain you were never going to ask me again. I - I..." She gave a small sob. "I was afraid of losing you. I wanted to dash out of Sandrine's and hide my face forever from you."

"And you didn't...run out of Sandrine's, I mean."

He had pressed her gently down, propping himself on his elbow, looking into her expressive eyes. His mouth curved into a smile.

"I don't think I could have. You caught my hand and pulled me into your arms again so hard and swiftly, I felt like I was punched in the gut."

"Alpha male behaviour, huh."

Kathryn smiled, her eyes twinkling. Chakotay had been relieved. Kathryn's trauma of her nightmare was beginning to dissolve like mist. He didn't want to see her unhappy or sad.

"Then you told me it's your right to refuse my offer. You declared everything I said was null and void and - "

Chakotay snorted, then he covered his mouth quickly with his hand. It was precious downtime for them both while Tara, bless her heart, was still sleeping. He pulled Kathryn into his embrace and lay like that for a few moments while his body shook. When he finally recovered from his bout of laughter, he asked,

"Come one, out with it. What else did I say?"

"You pulled me to where Sandrine was standing, grabbed the yellow rose from her hair, went on your knees, presented it to me and proposed."

"Eh?"

Kathryn tried her best to emulate a Chakotay voice:

"You said,' Kathryn, I'd hate to tell our only daughter Tara when she's born - there may not be a Tara yet, but there will be soon - that her mother went on her knees for me. Now, Kathryn Janeway, will you marry me, be the mother of our daughter-to-come and be my love forever?"

"I guess I would have said that," Chakotay told her, and there was a reflective note in his voice. Then he smiled again broadly. "Alpha male, huh. I do my own proposing..."

Kathryn had buried her face against him.

"Chakotay?" Her voice came out as a muffled sound.

"Hmmm?"

"We're getting up in an hour. Stay with me, please?"

So he stayed the hour in her bed. He wrapped her in his arms; she had given a sigh of contentment. They had fallen asleep again and woke only when Tara woke up, talking baby talk, sitting up in her crib and playing with one of her soft toys.

Now he was on his way to Kathryn with a question in his heart. This time of the evening both holodecks were in use. Kathryn was in one and though he knew it was her own quiet time, he wanted to see her. The thought of Kathryn made him breathe faster; his heart was making sudden leaps he couldn't explain but accepted with joy. He found her intensely attractive, and his initial reticence about their closeness, or touching her and kissing her had made way for this new feeling. This morning he welcomed her lying so close in his arms, tugging at his chest hair and rubbing his nipples that made him ache to kiss her silly.

He looked forward to seeing Kathryn. They had been busy on the bridge all day, spent time in the briefing room with endless reports, and while there was a lunch time of sorts, he and Kathryn had only taken a light snack in the ready room, then left to go on duty again.

Kathryn was tired and the whole afternoon he had been aware that she needed some time out, needed to take a break. It was in her voice, her eyes that looked tired. Her disrupted sleep was also partly responsible for her lethargy. He had never bothered her whenever she was in the holodeck, respecting her need to be alone, to meditate if she needed to. He had done that himself most of the time, although he found it difficult to go on a vision quest. He knew it sounded stupid, but he didn't want his memories to be jolted though a vision quest. Not that it could be done that way, but it had been a vain hope in the beginning. Kathryn though, took time off from husband and baby once a week. That much he gleaned from the logs and the database which gave him information on the number of times the holodeck had been frequented.

She had given him her holodeck codes, but he had never intruded in the last two months and he wondered whether he did before the accident. Perhaps she'd not mind if he interrupted her, but it was a risk he was willing to take. Also, he didn't know the nature of her programmes, except one or two that was available for the rest of the crew. Right now he had a burning question he wanted to ask her and he couldn't wait for her to come home to their quarters to ask her about it. He had woken up so many times from the dark mists that just wouldn't melt away in order that he could see what he had dreamed about, but he sensed that mostly, it was the same dream. It teased him unendingly and Kathryn... He sighed. She did say after he had knocked her out cold that she would help him as much as she could.

He needed to know, even if it was going to be painful, especially for her. He couldn't rest and Kathryn had little idea how little sleep he had every day. It was as if he were afraid to fall asleep lest he wake up and find himself with his cheeks wet, his heart so pained and sad that he wanted to cry out. There were times that he couldn't keep himself from falling into a restless slumber. Then he'd wake up like that, with a worried Kathryn bending over him. One night she had cried with him when he had been so distressed and frustrated. He wanted to have some semblance of peace.

Just a semblance of it.

END CHAPTER TWENTY TWO


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

At the holodeck 2 entrance he hesitated before taking a deep breath and entering the codes. He had no idea what _EdenRock 1_ entailed, but it sounded mysterious. The doors opened and he found himself in a forest glade, nothing like he had seen anywhere on Earth, or on some of the homeworlds in the Demilitarized Zone, or elsewhere in Federation space. Was this New Earth? he wondered.

Pushing away some of the giant fronds of ferns, he saw her. He had heard the sound of a rushing river the moment he entered, and Kathryn was sitting on a very large flat rock. The grey shade of the rock was broken by the bright colours around her. She sat on a fawn-coloured blanket wore a blue dress. He had never seen that dress, he was sure of it. When she turned to look at him her face showed no surprise. It couldn't be anyone else, he thought. No one else on Voyager had these codes. It was Kathryn's private programme, and one he had access to. She put the book she was reading down and waved for him to come closer. There was a smile on her face. He gave a sigh of relief. She didn't seem to resent his intrusion. He was glad of that.

Kathryn's hair shone golden bronze in what he knew was a late afternoon setting, with the sun hovering high over her. When she moved her head slightly, her hair bobbed around her face, making the sparks in it come alive. Everything seemed to live, he thought with surprise. Kathryn looked so much part of this setting it was difficult to imagine she was equally at home on the bridge, giving orders.

Here, he realised with gut-wrenching wonder, Kathryn Janeway was an extension of nature. She belonged here since the beginning of time. Chakotay drew in his breath sharply. Kathryn out of uniform looked so much more relaxed, so much woman that he found himself moving towards her like a drugged sleepwalker who couldn't disobey her command. What was her command? A slight wave of the hand that he join her. She had not said a word yet, but the air around them crackled with the fullness of wordless conversation.

He sat down next to her, overcome with a searing desire to kiss her. All he could do was just stare at her in wonder. He thought of the last months living with her in their joined quarters. He thought how he served with her on the bridge and playing together with their precious baby. He thought how he'd just gaze at her in the mess hall, engaging in light conversation. Most times, he realized with aching honesty how he never really took notice of what they talked about. He was so taken by her voice, the turn of her head, the gestures of her hand, noting always those dainty fingers. He thought of all those times in her ready room when they just talked.

Chakotay knew, as he started at his wife, that he was falling in love with Kathryn Janeway. He shook his head to try and dispel that notion, but it wouldn't go away. It was a fact, as strange, as ironic, as wonderfully magical as it sounded. Chakotay had fallen for Kathryn Janeway the first time he came aboard Voyager in the same way he has fallen for her now, two months after his accident.

He had had to re-invent himself. He was falling in love with his wife again. How lucky could a man be? Kathryn touched something in him, calmed his anger, tempered his aggression, inspired in him the intense desire to protect her and Tara. It was the former and the now, both equally divine, enduring and precious. It was exciting, earth-shaking, wonderful, and for a moment, a moment, Chakotay forgot what he came here for.

"You're staring, you know."

Did her words float to him on the breath of the breeze?

"Is this - is this New Earth, Kathryn?" he asked quietly.

She nodded, her smile gentle, a little hesitant, as if she were afraid to break the spell, the magic.

"It is idyllic," he said, "peaceful..."

"Yes, yes, it is. It was a two hour trek from our shelter. You found it three days after we arrived there. We called this little spot Breakfast Rock."

"It is an apt name, Kathryn. I take it we used to breakfast here?"

She smiled. It was a quirky upward curve of the corner of her mouth. Lifting her head to the sun, its rays caught in her hair, shooting golden sparks off it. The blue dress - he wondered whether this was also a legacy from New Earth - clung to her, and the fullness of her breasts just filled the bodice. The low-cut neckline seemed to enhance the gentle swell. A fine pendant she wore was the only adornment. It gave her a Renaissance look, a fragility that was belied by the inner strength he knew she had. Kathryn was woman - beautiful, mysterious, possessing unconsciously an ancient knowledge of femininity and seduction. He knew when she smiled like that, that they had probably done more on Breakfast Rock than just having breakfast.

His breathing stopped a moment as her exquisite eyes went soft and warm. He knew he wanted to touch her, brush his lips against hers. He knew without a shred of uncertainty that he wanted to do it for himself. She drew him in, sucked him like a sponge to her. There was nowhere he could turn if he wanted to escape this mesmerising pull she had on him. This place was an enchanted glade, an Eden created for the two of them alone. When he reached with his hand to pull her face close to his, her eyes became pools of mysterious attraction, her lips parted and her perfume invaded him, created a wild desire to drown. Chakotay understood what men had said in the past of women like Kathryn - he'd be happy to be her slave forever.

His lips touched hers, not tentatively like he did before, but with certainty, knowing that the burning sensation he felt was spreading throughout his body. Kathryn moaned softly as she embraced him. He kissed her in a searing benediction of the new feelings of love and absolute adoration. Her lips parted under his, like a butterfly spreading her rainbow wings, freeing them from the closeness of seconds before. His tongue probed, found destinations that became instinctive, yet with a deep, subconscious knowledge that he had traveled that road before. The river rushed but he only heard it as a far off sound, background music to complete the scene.

"Kathryn," he groaned hoarsely, "I want to touch you..."

She took his hand and guided him to cup her breast. Chakotay groaned again as her nipple sprang to life under his touch.

"Kathryn..."

"Hmmm...?"

He broke away from her, a momentary reprieve from this pleasurable prison Kathryn had locked him in. His eyes were warm, smouldering in answer to her smoky blue-grey eyes. And, he wanted her.

"What are you wearing under your dress?"

She gave a husky laugh.

"You want to find out, Chakotay?"

"Aye, Ma'am..." he croaked as his hands moved over her body. Somewhere at the back of his mind the fact registered that Kathryn had known he would come. Kathryn was expecting him and wouldn't turn him away. He had no idea, no awareness that her hands had been working on him too, and that she had started to remove his jacket and undershirt. Seconds later, Kathryn's blue dress lay one side on the rock, and Chakotay stared at his wife.

"Oh, great spirits," he groaned, "I want you, Kathryn..."

"Love me, Chakotay..."

Then he took his time looking at her. Her head was propped against a soft cushion He touched he skin; it felt soft, and when he bent low to dip his tongue in her navel, thought he would drown as the waves of pleasure crashed through him.

"Touch me..."

Chakotay gave a groan of pleasure when he felt her arch into him. He cupped the sides of her head.

"I want to see you," he ordered. "Open your eyes darling. Look at me."

Her eyes flew open, and Chakotay hissed his pleasure at the way they burned into his own.

"Dear God," he groaned as he filled her, and Kathryn gave a cry of pleasure.

"Oh, yes..."

Chakotay watched her face, saw the changing expressions in her eyes as he made passionate love to her. He was incited giving her as much pleasure as she was giving him. But, Kathryn was hurrying him as she clutched him crying her pleasure. He could feel her reaching her peak. Then very far off, a haze really, he could hear the fluttering of birds as they scurried away from their branches.

"Danaë! Danaë!" Chakotay cried out as he hurtled into his climax, shuddered several seconds as Kathryn joined him too.

He collapsed on her, feeling slightly dizzy. From a long way off he heard:

"Chakotay? Chakotay...?"

"W-what?" he asked as he lifted his head heavily from her bosom. His body was drenched in sweat and beads of perspiration ran down his forehead.

"You were gone for a second, Chakotay," Kathryn said, her voice sounding husky, sultry, and she looked well-loved.

"I - " he started, "uh...really?"

"Shall we do this again?" she asked with a knowing little smile.

"Well, then, Kathryn," he said as he started pushing into her again, "what are we waiting for...?"

"Kathryn, I want to lie with you in our own bed..."

"For tonight, only?"

"Always, Kathryn," he had said gruffly as he kissed her again.

Now they were in their bed and they had made love again.

"I missed you, Chakotay," she whispered afterwards.

He had just given a sigh, and she understood.

"Kathryn?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can I fall in love with you twice?"

"These things happen," she replied, in an attempt at levity.

But she was delighted beyond measure. Chakotay - the new Chakotay - had fallen in love with her as quickly as her old Chakotay had. He had looked into her eyes on Breakfast Rock precisely like he desired her, like he wanted to kiss her silly and make love to her. Her old Chakotay had looked at her like that, especially when they were alone and she'd know that he wanted to kiss her or make love to her. She felt cosseted then, protected, loved. It was so different from that first time after he was discharged and he kissed her here, in their quarters. He had been so unsure of himself then, still trying to find his way, so lost. He'd kissed her that day so tentatively, so experimentally that she shrank back from his touch after that. She had been hurt - hurt and disappointed at the same time that he couldn't recognise her or remember from just touching her.

"Hey..."

"Sorry..."

She bent to kiss him. Her weight on him didn't bother him. It never did before, but he shifted nonetheless to fit her more snugly against him. He hadn't wanted to let go of her. She gave a tender smile. She wondered if Chakotay realised at all how much of his subconscious was operating now. He had always liked to have some part of his body touch hers in bed, wanted to feel connected to her all the time. That surfaced even now, with his memory gone. He still clamoured for that link to remain between them. His eyes were searching hers and she frowned.

"What is it?" she asked softly.

"Breakfast Rock. We made love on Breakfast Rock on New Earth."

Kathryn smiled tenderly. She kissed him again. His eyes had an uncertain look in them for a moment.

"Yes. That was where - where we made love for the very first time, sweetheart."

"I loved you, Kathryn?"

"Always." Her eyes filled with tears at the memory.

"Don't cry, Kathryn. I'm in love with you now."

"You know, Chakotay, there, in the holodeck, you - you called me 'Danaë'."

"Sixteenth century painting by Titian."

"You - you know?"

"I'm a historian too, Kathryn. What do you think I've been doing in the Maquis? Fight off Cardassians?" She laughed at how relaxed Chakotay sounded, so free, so clear of his shadows and mists. "You did lie there like Danaë, so deliciously naked. How could I not desire your delectable body?"

"Chakotay..."

"Kathryn?"

"What is it, Chakotay? I can't help feeling you're holding back something, something you came to the holodeck for to ask me."

"Was I happy on New Earth, Kathryn?"

"We were happy," she qualified his words.

"And there were no shadows in your eyes?"

"N-no..."

"Did I dream New Earth every time in the last months, Kathryn?"

His face looked so serious that she knew he wasn't going to rest until she explained everything.

"Yes...yes, I think so. You must have dreamed of New Earth and Breakfast Rock and how - how happy we were there." Kathryn buried her face in his neck and he held her like that for a few minutes. He caught the smell of apples in her hair, nuzzled his face against it. Chakotay lay still and waited for her to collect herself again. She looked at him again and he cursed himself. There were tears in her eyes.

"If we experienced such bliss there, Kathryn, why then, did I wake up so sad from my dream? Why did I feel this deep sorrow?"

Kathryn remained quiet, averted her gaze, her wet eyelashes fluttering nervously. With his finger he gently held her chin so that she had to look at him.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I hurt you. I never meant to, you know. I hurt you..."

He was still a long time. Then he asked quietly:

"Is that why there is no record in my personal logs of New Earth and Amara the primate, and the boundless joy I experienced with you, Kathryn?"

END CHAPTER TWENTY THREE


	24. Chapter 24

**Please read and review!**

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

Kathryn pulled abruptly away from him. Her eyes filled with deep shadows and she tried to avert his gaze. Chakotay let her be, gazing at her as she got up from the bed and pulled her robe around her. He sighed. No doubt the satin robe had been something he had replicated for her but couldn't remember.

The old frustration began rising in him and he tried to suppress it. He tried to control himself. Wallowing in his frustrations was not helping. Kathryn padded to the bathroom, and when he heard the shower run, he got up too.

He pulled on his fawn terry robe as he walked to their dining area. Although it was past 2200 they hadn't had anything to eat. Perhaps a light snack would restore the ambiance of earlier when, just before they resumed their lovemaking on their bed, Kathryn had been buoyant and teasing. There had been an easy banter between them that he knew they had had before his accident.

He wanted to kick himself for disturbing the mood, for finding his adjustment into her life so hard. She was clearly uneasy answering some of his questions. Those queries had become nagging little stabs during the day. They resulted in headaches as he tried to find an opening into his damnable brain that refused to comply time after time. He didn't want Kathryn to be unhappy, but at the same time he realised that whatever he demanded she fill in for him could be painful memories for her too. It was important, though, that they experienced this catharsis that he knew would cleanse them both.

He ordered a salad for them, knowing that Kathryn liked hers with croutons. He ordered some white wine as well. Or an impulse he replicated a single stemmed yellow rose and put in into a long flute-like vase that always remained on the small dining table. He looked up when Kathryn appeared, adding barefoot, something that made him smile. He had to get accustomed to Kathryn barefoot in their quarters. After tonight, most likely barefoot and naked.

"Is your mind in the gutter right now, Chakotay?" she asked.

"However did you know, Kathryn?"

"You get that glow in your eyes and I know we'll not get through the night without making love."

"Kathryn, you know you have the advantage over me."

She sat down and spread a napkin on her lap, picking up her fork and digging it into her salad. Just before she popped it into her mouth, she replied.

"Nonsense, Chakotay. You know exactly when I'm ready for you."

"If you want to finish dinner, beloved, then get that smoky look out of your eyes."

Chakotay was glad when Kathryn smiled and they continued their dinner in silence. They had just finished when Kathryn looked at him contemplatively. Chakotay drew in his breath. Kathryn was so beautiful, deceptively fragile, sometimes fey...

"You destroyed all references to New Earth from your personal logs, Chakotay," she said softly.

He had some sense that he had probably done that. Kathryn was ready to talk, ready to fill in another piece of his puzzle.

"Why, Kathryn? Why did I do it?" He gripped the stem of his glass a little tighter, the tension rising in him again.

"Chakotay, what I'm going to say now, I want you to remember, to - to understand," she stammered slightly, "that I loved you." She gave a deep sigh, and he was alarmed suddenly when a tear rolled down her cheek. She rubbed it away with the back of her hand and gave a little sniff. When he nodded, she gave a teary half smile. "Yes, I love you."

"What happened, Kathryn?" he asked softly, afraid to push her too much lest she bolt again.

"We made love for the first time on Breakfast Rock. At that time I had been very reserved, still aware of being on Voyager, even though she was light years away. Three nights before that day we made love, we had a terrible storm and you - you took care of m-me..." She was quiet a long time, staring unseeingly at some point past Chakotay's head. Then she looked at him again. "After that, you were so protective over me, so attentive to every need although I still fought it like mad. I didn't need protection and you - you just went ahead and protected..."

"I guess I'm like that still?"

Kathryn nodded, her tears falling freely, but she smiled through them. She didn't bother to wipe her tears. "Yes, you have no idea." Then she shook her head. "There are some things about you that didn't change, Chakotay. You have no idea how familiar to me they are. I wanted do die when you called me 'Danaë'. You always called me that, especially whenever we were on Breakfast Rock. Most of the time I would lie there - "

"Naked, like Danaë in her bronze tower. I was Jupiter, coming to you in a shower of gold..."

She laughed. "Yes. Exactly like that."

"How - how did you decide you wanted to change the parameters, Kathryn?"

"One night, you had a dream, and you called my name. There was a lost, forlorn sound about the way you called me. It was the first time that I had sensed how vulnerable you still were, how, in your dreams, it revealed itself. It was a revelation. You said something like _'I can't anymore, Kathryn...'_ I couldn't get it out of my mind. It had been more than a year since you had asked me to marry you, when you said that you loved me."

"I still call out your name..."

She nodded again, then continued.

"The next morning you were gone and I knew you had gone to Breakfast Rock. I followed you there, and when I arrived, saw you sitting with your cushion and blanket. You were staring over the water that glistened in the sun. You didn't see me at that moment. Then... I don't know, Chakotay, exactly how I came to it, but I knew that if you saw me, it had to be crystal clear I wanted you to know my feelings for you never changed, and that I was ready to commit myself - mind, body and soul..."

"So you stripped naked. That's how I saw you when I looked up?"

"It certainly caught your attention, darling. I walked to you and - and then I kissed you. We made love..."

Kathryn had again that faraway look in her eyes. Chakotay had taken the last sip from his glass. He reached over the table to touch her hand. She smiled.

"After that, we almost never made love in our shelter, except at night, when we retired for bed."

"It was an idyll, a perfect paradise."

Her eyes filled with tears.

"Then one day, you were showing me the designs for a boat you were going to build for me."

"We received a hail, that Voyager returned for us?"

Kathryn swallowed at a lump in her throat. She remained silent a long time, both hands on the table. Chakotay could see how her fingers trembled. He covered one hand again, wanting to reassure her. Kathryn pulled her hands away and got up. He scraped his chair as he too, rose and followed her to the bedroom again. When he sat down next to her on the bed she buried her face against his chest. He touched her cheek. It felt feverish. He pressed his lips to her hair.

"It's okay, Kathryn. You don't have to say anything..."

"The minute I knew Voyager came back for us with a cure, everything changed. You don't know how happy I was when I realised I had my ship back..."

"What happened to us?" he asked quietly,

"I broke your heart, Chakotay. That's what happened. I broke your heart." Kathryn started sobbing and Chakotay waited till it subsided, caressing her hair until she composed herself again. She moved so that she could look at him. "Your face, your eyes, Chakotay, the way the sun broke into a thousand pieces and lay shattered at my feet..." Kathryn gave a sob. "Your eyes were what haunted me, even now."

"What did you say to me, that we couldn't continue?"

"I told you I didn't love you. I told you it was the setting that created the illusion of love. I was carried away by our magical idyll, a fake Eden. That was all it was. An idyll, a brief aberration that was over as soon as Voyager came within hailing range."

Chakotay held her shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes.

"You were afraid. The minute Voyager assimilated you again, you were no longer an extension of New Earth but of a vessel you referred to every time as _'my ship'._ You felt you lost control for a while and that I was a good bed-warmer substitute while you were in that state?"

Kathryn nodded, tried to look away again, but he made her look at him.

"I made myself vulnerable for you, Kathryn. When we left New Earth, everything we shared drifted away into a bank of mist I couldn't see in my dreams. I woke up feeling sorrow not because we left New Earth, but because in your heart you left me. That was the emptiness I felt, the deep feeling of grief I couldn't understand. You turned me down once, and then when we got together you left me again. Every time it seemed, you left..."

"You never spoke about it afterwards, Chakotay. Never made yourself vulnerable again, except - except when we crashed the Sacajawea and I was dead for a few minutes."

"And so I destroyed all my logs because I wanted no reminder of the most beautiful and peaceful period of my life?"

"I only found that out after we married and I mentioned one day how sorry I was that I hurt you and let you down. You were bitter, said you didn't want to be reminded of New Earth. And I couldn't forget how shattered you looked when I told you I couldn't continue what he had. You were right, Chakotay. I was afraid, afraid of letting go like I did on New Earth, afraid of losing control, afraid of being seen as a Captain with a lover, afraid to let my heart rule and allowed duty and command and discipline to reign. I knew that in order command Voyager effectively that I had to sever my ties with you as ruthlessly as I could." Kathryn looked away from him again, deeply pensive for a moment. " I hurt you deeply. You'll never know how much I regretted that, how much I regretted not following my heart..."

Chakotay pulled her closer again and kissed her tenderly, her lips parting instinctively under his. When he broke off the kiss, her eyes shone again and she smiled.

"Listen to me, Kathryn. I guess we never did speak much of our traumas, did we?" Her hand rested against his chest, and when she pushed it inside his robe, she caressed him. Sighing deeply, she nodded. "Especially after we married, right?" She nodded again. "And I was more guilty of that..."

"Don't - don't punish yourself, Chakotay."

"No, it's just that now, Kathryn, it's different, somehow. I'm not hopeful that I'll regain my memory. Maybe it will never happen - "

"Chakotay - ?"

"Please, hear me out, darling. When I regained consciousness after the accident, I didn't know who you were. I only knew the Maquis on board. I had to get to know them all over again." He smiled. "I fell in love with you again. But Kathryn, now I need all those memories you can tell me of. I need them if I am to have a semblance of normalcy in my life again. I want everything, Kathryn. I want to gather together all the dreams, the good memories, the bad ones, especially the bad memories, all of it, to make me whole again."

"I'll tell you, Chakotay, every time you ask, I'll tell you."

"Because," he continued as if he didn't hear her, "those bad memories belong to my memory bank because they too, helped to shape the man you say I became on board this vessel..."

"I love you, Chakotay," Kathryn breathed softly.

"Love of my life..." he replied. He kissed her again, then pulled her down on the bed. "The evening isn't over," he said gruffly as he removed her robe from her.

END CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

On the bridge the next morning Chakotay seemed quiet about the previous night's revelations from Kathryn. He stared at the main viewscreen for endless minutes, drumming his fingers on the console between them.

From time to time Kathryn glanced at her husband. He was definitely contemplating things. He had not been overly shocked by her revelation last night. He'd recognised the need for her to fill him in on the good and bad things that had happened the past six and a half years.

Chakotay was right, she thought. He needed all his memories, good and bad, to be the complete man she wanted back in her life. Leave out all the bad ones and there'd be something lacking in him - depth perhaps. The Chakotay of the past had loved her deeply, with all his traumas as part of his experiences, and that was what she loved so much about him. He loved her in spite of her regrettable and shabby treatment of his feelings.

The Chakotay of the present loved her as deeply, she believed. It was new, thrilling, but she needed both of them. She had been reading Keats in the holodeck last night when Chakotay came in, and sonnet 19 stood out so like a beacon of what she desired of her Chakotay as she thought of the lines…

 _"Yourself - your soul - in pity give me all,_

 _Withhold no atom's atom or I die..."_

As her husband he could be complete if she had all of him, and she needed to fill those dark chambers so that he could achieve fullness. Her old Chakotay had understood the reason for her own fears, that indeed, she had fears. That Chakotay had come to terms with the fact that they made it to a marriage bed only two years ago, more than a year after they were back on Voyager.

After New Earth Chakotay had become impossible to deal with. It shattered her when he closed all feelings so absolutely. She couldn't reach him anymore. They played their role as Captain and First Officer perfectly, but underneath all the veneer of decorum, duty and discipline his rage had simmered . It was her fault and she'd had to come to terms with that during the years between New Earth and their marriage. Most times when she caught him off guard there was a look of total desolation in his eyes. All those years and even now, that look haunted her. She never wished to see him look like that again, not by her hand.

When they returned to Voyager Chakotay stopped walking the corridors. Before he used to give her a friendly greeting whenever he passed her, something that made her heart beat faster at the sight of him. After New Earth Chakotay changed, became excessively polite and deferential, always calling her by her rank. That, more than anything else, settled the chasm between them, and established the manner in which Captain and First Officer conducted themselves away from the prying eyes of the crew. Chakotay's face became drawn and austere. He never came to her quarters for dinner when she invited him, always thinking up some excuse.

On New Earth, after the first day she had told him to drop the rank and call her Kathryn. She had become so accustomed to that, because no one called her by her name. To live on board a vessel for three years without ever hearing her name... From Chakotay's lips it rolled like music. She missed that. Oh, how she missed that.

The only time he showed emotion after New Earth was when she appeared on the bridge one morning with a new hairstyle. She had her hair cut shoulder length. Gone were the long tresses she favoured in the first years. Chakotay had taken one look and the initial anger in his eyes was soon replaced by pain.

He had quickly recovered, said nothing and continued looking at the main viewscreen. On New Earth he loved her long hair... He loved to run his fingers through it.

The crew noticed. Tom Paris was the first to ask, 'What's up with the Commander, Captain?"

What could she tell them? How could she reveal her deepest joy and her deepest sorrow all at once to a member of her crew? She had given Chakotay entitlement. She had been his in every way - mind, body and soul. She had thrown all of it away in a mindless, juvenile display of fear that she'd lose something of herself on Voyager. For months afterwards she had dreamed of Breakfast Rock, woken up in a sweat because she thought he was in her bed with her, making love to her in the sweetest, most elemental way.

Kathryn smiled inwardly. She had always preferred walking around naked in the shelter on warm days. They had stripped to Eden, and wherever they walked in the forest, taking covering with them, she had lain with Chakotay and made love to him. She had no reserves, had liberated herself and shown him she was a woman with the same needs as every woman. She had shown him she could embrace her new freedom and join herself to him, become one, yet retain so much of her identity. He had allowed her space. There were days she wanted to be alone, or days that she missed Voyager, her crew, the thought of home, and he'd know she desired solitude.

This morning she had woken up in his arms. "I know now why you made arrangements to have Tara looked after," she had breathed warmly into his neck.

"And good morning to you too, Kathryn Janeway," Chakotay had said and her heart flipped again when the dimples formed in his cheeks when he smiled.

She crawled quickly on top of him and showed no surprise at how quickly he had become aroused. More than an hour later, they rose in delicious lethargic aftermath of sex in the morning and prepared to come on duty.

Now Chakotay was pensive again and she wondered what was going on in his mind. She clasped his fingers.

"Are you okay, Chakotay?" she asked, the concern immediately in her voice.

He frowned heavily when he looked at her, his face drawn. Kathryn hit her commbadge while still keeping her eyes on him.

"Janeway to sickbay."

"What can I do for you, Captain?" the Doctor asked.

"Commander Chakotay is on his way to you, Doctor. I suspect he's suffering from a severe headache. Janeway out."

"It seems I have no choice," Chakotay said as he tried to smile, but for the first time he rubbed his fingers against his temples, closing his eyes as he did so.

"You've been having these headaches since the accident, Chakotay. I wasn't going to intervene, thinking you'd actually see the EMH yourself. I am concerned, Commander, when one of my crew behaves in such an irresponsible manner - "

"Thank you very much, Captain Janeway. I'll see the Doctor."

Kathryn sat back in her chair, smiled at Chakotay's belligerence. He had never liked seeing the doctor.

"I hope the Commander is alright, Captain," Tom Paris said at the conn, not turning round to face the Captain when he spoke.

"He will be after Doctor's seen him."

"Jeez, I'd like to be a fly on the wall there..."

Forty five minutes later her commbadge beeped.

"Sickbay to Janeway."

"Go ahead, Doctor."

"Captain, Commander Chakotay is fine. I just told him to go to the nursery and play with the babies for an hour or so. Could you come to the ready room? There's something I must discuss with you."

Kathryn was immediately on her guard, but she nodded reassuringly to Harry and Tom and Tuvok when they looked pointedly at her.

"He's probably tried to beat up the doctor," she said, her smile not reaching her eyes. "Tuvok, you have the bridge..."

In her ready room she switched on her console.

"Captain, Commander Chakotay had a small but benign tumor that was responsible for his headaches. I've cleared it, I'm happy to say."

Kathryn closed her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief.

"There's more, Captain."

"Doctor?"

"Commander Chakotay might not regain his memory, as I've indicated before."

"I'm filling in the blanks for him, Doctor. It's not ideal, but it's helping a somewhat."

"I have no doubt that some of those 'blanks' are traumatic, Captain," the Doctor ventured.

"Yes - yes, you're right. But it has to be done. Commander Chakotay is already aware that he might never regain his memory, so he relies on what details I can fill in - the personal ones. The rest he studies through the ship's logs and database."

"Ah, yes, that's what I was coming to, Captain. I believe the Commander has repressed some of his memories. They are ones he might not have wanted to remember before the accident. But Captain, there will be occasions when there would be minor triggers that would necessitate you coming out in the open with it."

"What are you saying Doctor?"

"Tara, Captain. Your infant. She was born a month prematurely."

Kathryn turned cold at the doctor's words. She drew in her breath sharply, and before she could prevent it, her hand had gone to cover her mouth but collected herself moments later.

"Commander Chakotay knows Tara was born prematurely, Doctor."

"Captain," came the Doctor's terse rejoinder, "most babies born a month prematurely are born healthy, they weigh the average weight for babies, they don't go into incubators, they don't have problems breathing."

"Tara was fine, Doctor."

"Captain, how much have you told your husband?"

"He understands that Tara was - was healthy at birth," she answered stonily. Her voice had become suddenly stern as she tried to brush the doctor off.

"Commander Chakotay is going to ask. Depend upon it," the EMH persisted.

"What do you want me to say, Doctor? That our baby suffered fetal distress?"

"No, but have you told him, Captain, that _you_ suffered complications during your pregnancy? Are you going to tell him that you kept quiet about it, not wanting him to know?"

Then the EMH closed communication abruptly.

Kathryn Janeway stared for a few seconds in stunned silence at the Federation insignia on the screen.

END CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE


	26. Chapter 26

**Plenty of things in this chapter building up to the finale!**

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

Sometimes she had dreams of Indiana. Whenever she stood at her viewport watching the streak of stars as Voyager traveled at warp, she thought of her home. On moonless nights it would be dark and there would be no stars. As a child she always knew they were there even if on such nights she couldn't see them. Now when she stared out the viewport she imagined the darkness that found an echo in her heart. She pulled her satin robe tighter around her as if the stark expanse of black touched her.

Kathryn glanced in the dark at Chakotay's shadowy form. Tonight they didn't make love. He had been as pensive returning to their quarters as he had been on the bridge all morning. The doctor had treated him for his raging headaches. She guessed that there was still been some residue pain. He hadn't spoken much when he returned to the bridge, but her trembling hand grasped in his somehow reassured her. He had been to the nursery as the doctor ordered, where Joe and Samantha had been taking care of the babies.

Chakotay had gone himself to collect Tara for the evening. After her feed and bath he allowed her to lie on his chest playing with her. Later Kathryn found father and daughter fast asleep. Even in his sleep Chakotay made certain that the baby was safe and protected. When she tried to prize Tara from his grasp, he'd woken up and smiled sheepishly at her. They hadn't spoken then because Chakotay had gone to shower and later, dressed in boxers and his robe hanging open with the long cord trailing, he'd fixed them some dinner.

They ate in silence until Chakotay had broken it by saying, "I should have told you, Kathryn..."

A warmth spread inside her, apprehension rising that he had not spoken about the doctor's prognosis of his condition.

"About what?"

"The headaches. I'm sorry. I've been having them for a while - since the accident, in fact. I didn't want you to worry, darling."

"Chakotay, you know I worry anyway. I - "

"See?" There was a sudden flare of irritation in his eyes. "Now, are you going to tell me about Tara?"

It had come so suddenly that she scraped the chair as she rose and walked away from him. In the bedroom she paced and he stopped her, gripping her shoulders.

"There were complications during your pregnancy, Kathryn. It was something the doctor let slip out, thinking that you had told me already - "

She sighed and looked away from him, unable to break his grasp on her shoulders.

"Chakotay," she said quietly, "when we married, when I finally made the commitment to throw myself at your feet and at your mercy, do you know how protective you became?"

"I smothered you?" he asked softly.

"Not quite. But it was something new for me, and not so new. You were like that on New Earth and I knew that you would do anything to protect me..."

Chakotay pulled her into his embrace and he ran his fingers through her hair.

"I don't want to lose you, Kathryn..." he whispered, his voice sounding hoarse as he held her closer in his embrace.

Kathryn shivered violently at the memory of Chakotay's words earlier. That was the problem, she thought. He was fanatical about keeping his family safe. How could she deny him that necessity? He had lost everything, his homeworld, his family, the fabric of his existence, his reason for living. With the Maquis he had carved for himself a new family, of not in blood, then in the brotherhood of their common bond and purpose. He lost more than half of them in the Delta quadrant, and in the beginning he felt as lost as she and everyone else did, without a family and home.

She remembered him saying very early on in their journey that the crew was going through a period of mourning, that they had to come to terms with losing everything they held dear. When Chakotay married her, she became his family, she and Tara. He had gone through his period of mourning before, and now, with a wife and daughter, he would die to protect them, to keep his family and keep them safe. Chakotay had everything to lose, because he had lost so much already.

Yes, she couldn't deny him his right to be protective over them.

Quietly, keeping the details only to the minimum, but in such a way that it was sufficient, she told him about her pregnancy, about Tara being born a month early. She told him that her age for a first pregnancy had been a factor, that she suffered hypertension during in her third trimester and that she had to take bed rest the last two months. She hadn't wanted to tell him then, knowing how he would storm sick bay and force her to comply to the doctor's advice, knowing how he would be constantly worried. She hadn't felt too sick, and only the mild discomfort of the additional weight gave her restless nights, nights in which he insisted on massaging her back.

About the birth she hadn't wanted to say much, because the details of it were hazy, even to her. She had been in labour long, and Tara was suffering fetal distress. Kathryn had gone into labour in their quarters, knew that she had just cried out Chakotay's name and afterwards everything went black, until she came to in sick bay where Chakotay had screamed at the doctor that he'd kill the EMH if anything went wrong. She had been in too much pain to reassure Chakotay that everything would be alright. She had read the medical report only weeks later...

Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay again. He had been satisfied with her explanation, been happy that everything turned out well in the end for mother and baby. There had been only one uneasy moment. It pained her when she saw the sad look on his face.

"You'll not have another baby, Kathryn."

She had nodded, remembering how deep her own disappointment ran when the EMH informed her. Chakotay had taken her in his arms.

"We have Tara, our most wonderful gift, honey," he declared firmly.

"You're not disappointed?" she asked. She had never before asked him, too afraid of his reaction. She had not wanted to talk much about it at the time, and somehow, tending to Tara, had taken the attention away from that decision to tell Chakotay. Then too, she had hopes. But the doctor had been firm. Her own predisposition to hypertension during her first pregnancy, her age, other complications... She sighed. Looking at Chakotay, he had only love in his eyes when he said:

"I would be a selfish beast if I thought I'd want you to have more babies knowing it wouldn't be possible."

She nodded again, knowing that that was exactly what Chakotay of old would have said had she trusted herself enough to tell him then.

"Thank you."

"You are important to me, Kathryn."

"Did I tell you that you always knew we'd have a girl and that her name would be Tara?"

"I was that self-assured?"

"Oh, yes. I had no choice but to have a girl, and the only concession you made was to have Tara's middle name 'Kathryn'."

"She looks a lot like me," Chakotay said with a note of pride in his voice.

"Sweetheart, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love her dimples."

She didn't tell him the doctor's prognosis about his condition, that he might never regain his memory. The EMH told her there were other traumatic events Chakotay had suppressed violently before his accident. She didn't know which ones they were. Guessing about them would have him in a vortex of headaches again as he endeavoured to remember them. Chakotay had accepted himself, albeit unwillingly that he might never get his memory back.

"One day at a time, Chakotay," she assured him. He had given a sigh, kissed her tenderly and they had gone to bed. She had lain in his arms for a long time until she could hear his even breathing. Then she rose quietly, making sure not to disturb him.

Now she stood at the viewport, the dark night enveloping her. Finally she walked to their bed and slid under the covers. Chakotay stirred, his hands moving instinctively to touch her. She crawled into his arms and Chakotay gave a sigh of contentment. Kathryn closed her eyes, thinking of what the next day might bring them. Worming closer to him, she breathed softly:

"I love you, Chakotay."

As the swirling waves of sleep overcame her and she drifted away, Kathryn thought she heard Chakotay murmur:

"Love of my life..."

One month later Harry Kim announced the presence of a star system ten light years away. Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok corroborated by adding that the Star System as charted in sector 5768 by Seven of Nine in the Astrometrics lab consisted of 13 planets, that three of the planets were M-Class, while two were D-Class planets. One planet, the 13th planet, was L-Class and uninhabitable.

"My guess is," said Tom Paris, "that we approach the first of the M-class worlds."

"Tuvok," Chakotay said as he rose from his chair, "what are the risks?"

"None, Commander. From our communication with Toren Kaymam of the Enderon Star System, it is a civilisation of warp capabilities, the inhabitants are explorers and peaceful."

"Kathryn?"

"Well, it seems we've found our planet for shore leave," she said, her mouth lifting at the corner at the prospect of the crew finally being able to go planetside. "Tom, how long before we can get there?"

"Are we in a hurry, Captain?" Tom asked, smiling broadly as he turned to look at the commanding officers who were both standing on the platform just behind him.

"Not particularly, now that we know it's there," she said. "Warp 6, Mr Paris."

"That should get us there in ten days, Captain."

"Good. Mr Kim, at the first opportunity, open a hailing frequency. I want to announce our arrival."

"Aye, Captain," Harry responded. "I can't wait..." he muttered under his breath. Chakotay sat down again and leaned over to Kathryn..

"Is this the shore leave you promised me three months ago?"

Noah Lessing was a nervous wreck as he stood outside Susan Nicoletti's quarters. Susan had agreed to accompany him to Melvech Alpha and he was going to buy her a special gift today. He had been in a tizz all morning and for days he couldn't wait his turn to take shore leave and explore Melvech. He heard good reports of the inhabitants and the first city boasted several market places where he could find a nice little gift.

Last night Susan had said yes to him and he had been over the moon - at least one of Melvech's three moons. Susan and he had not been intimate and he admired Susan for asking that they wait. She admired him for agreeing to wait. He didn't mind, but they had kissed often and many times he had to rein in his passion before it rode away with him. Susan had been so good at being lifted high off the floor when he hauled her in his arms. He had always been teased about his height and knew that there'd be trouble if ever he became romantically involved with a lady who slotted in below his arm.

When her doors opened, Noah beamed, and the perpetual frown that had grown part and parcel of his forehead appeared to dissolve. Susan was in casual clothes, her tunic slinking to her body's shape. She looked so attractive, he wanted to pull her into his arms right there and kiss her to kingdom come. His brother would have teased the very devil out of him. Elroy Devine Lessing had been a real ladies' man and he could never understand that brother Noah wanted to wait for the right woman to cross his path.

Once long ago Noah had a girl, way back when he was serving on another ship, but he had been left deflated. Mallory Melrose was not the one even though she tried so hard to win his love and devotion.

When he came on board Voyager, dead scared of the Captain and Commander Chakotay especially after his arrogant behaviour, he saw Susan one night. For many weeks he had been sitting at the same table. After the Commander almost decked him and ordered him to mix with the crew, he had looked up one evening and saw Susan standing at his table. She was with Mariah Henley who married James Hamilton. From that moment on he had been smitten by her smouldering blue-green eyes, her pert nose, her lovely mouth, her friendly face. Every time he looked at her he felt like a trout battling helplessly on a hook, ready to grace Susan Nicoletti's table.

"Noah, you're staring," she said.

"I am?" He shook his head to wake from his reverie. What was he thinking?

"Bend down, silly man."

He complied. How could he not? Susan's eyes reeled him in. She grabbed his head, pulled him further down and kissed him - a lingering kiss that told him as much as he wanted to know of her intent.

"We're asking the Captain to marry us tomorrow?" he asked hopefully as he straightened up again.

"Yes, Noah. Now, let's go."

When they reached the transporter pads, three other small groups were waiting in the queue to beam down.

"Chakotay!" Kathryn cried out as her husband lifted her off the floor and gave a whoop of delight.

"What can I say, Kathryn? We're finally taking a break and I feel great!" He kissed her for long moments before releasing her. Chakotay looked her up and down and Kathryn glowed in his open appraisal. She was wearing her blue dress, the same dress she was wearing when he made love to her in the holodeck six weeks ago.

"Did I tell you I love you in that dress?"

"Yes, but I don't mind hearing it again."

"Kathryn, I just love you in that dress

."

Kathryn laughed. She felt just as good, and in the last month Chakotay had been the perfect lover, husband and father. They had talked often, some happy memories, others not so happy. She was delighted that he was in good spirits. Only once in the last month had he woken up in a sweat and gasped painfully for breath. She had sat through the night with him, soothing him and finally getting him into bed again. She had been relieved when he fell asleep again in a deep, peaceful slumber.

"I'm glad you're glad, honey. It's time out for us too. You're having any headaches...?"

He paused for very brief instant before answering.

"Haven't had one for a while, Kathryn - ouch!"

"Tara, honey, don't bite Daddy's leg," Kathryn chided as she picked up the baby from the floor. They had forgotten for a moment that Tara had become mobile, and was already mouthing her first words, at only eleven months. She was saying Da-da' and 'Ma-ma' and had started walking too. It was Chakotay who caught Tara when she took her first steps. Kathryn smiled indulgently at her daughter and Chakotay. Her eyes were shining.

"I should wear a suit of armour, Kathryn. I'm full of teeth marks."

"You're going to buy Tara something she can chew on. I take no responsibility for her biting you like that."

"Kathryn, honey, she takes after her mother. If I should pull off this jacket now, you'll still see the scratch marks where your nails dug long furrows and my collarbone bears the trophies of your teeth - "

Kathryn kissed him before he could say more. Tara wriggled and demanded to kiss her Daddy too, which Chakotay was too happy to oblige as Tara planted dribbling kisses all over his cheeks. He looked at Kathryn, his heart swelling with pride.

"Last night was good, Chakotay..." she whispered throatily.

"Indeed, Kathryn Janeway. We should do it again tonight. I love wearing trophies. Indeed, I just love taking off that dress," Chakotay murmured, his eyes warm as they rested on his wife.

END CHAPTER 26


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

Chakotay was a little baffled as they walked along the busy promenades of the First City of Melvech Alpha. He wondered whether it was by design that the men and women moved about separately or just the ancient, age old conditioning that men and women tended to seek the company of their own sex? He had come down to the First City with Kathryn, who was carrying Tara on her hip. But soon the women banded together and walked on ahead of the men. Some of the men, if they weren't walking with their close intended, tended to band together.

Kathryn had just hurried back to tell him there was something she had seen in another lane off the promenade and she was gone. When next he saw her, B'Elanna was walking with her, carrying Miral on her hip, with Seven of Nine in attendance.

Tom and Harry had gone off somewhere. What was it with those two? Kathryn had told him that Harry was the first person who had befriended Tom when they boarded Voyager at Deep Space Nine. Harry had claimed that he didn't need others to choose his friends for him. If Chakotay didn't know that Tom was married to B'Elanna and that Harry Kim had been assimilated by Seven of Nine - she wanted to be Annika Hansen these days - into a Collective of Two, he would have said that Tom and Harry were joined at the hip.

No doubt they were off seeing what extreme sporting activities they could learn from the Melvechians here, or what antics they could get up to and irritate their wives. Seven of Nine was learning the baby antics from B'Elanna and Kathryn. Only two weeks ago Seven declared, "I am with child. It is a relevant function of a Collective of Two that it spawn offspring through which the Collective will be sealed and blessed". He remembered how Tom had gaped like a fish and Harry beamed from ear to ear.

Chakotay rubbed his temples as he felt a momentary dizziness. Although it passed, a dull throbbing remained at the base of his skull. This morning it had been very mild and he thought it would clear by itself. He hadn't wanted to bother Kathryn, or the spirits forbid that she tell the doctor. He had been an invalid long enough not to want to frequent sickbay again. Forcing himself to forget the ache he looked around him. It was difficult to see anyone of the crew, although Noah, who was as tall as the Melvechians was walking next to him. He had seen Noah and Susan earlier, hugging and kissing. They hadn't noticed anyone or minded much who was looking. Kathryn had been like that with him. She had kissed him openly, with B'Elanna and Annika Hansen looking on before declaring they were off to look at things babies could play with.

"Where is Susan, Noah?" Chakotay asked as they pushed through the throng of tall Melvechians to look at merchandise at the rows of stalls along the promenade.

"She's decided to join the Captain and B'Elanna Torres, Commander," Noah replied, looking a little sheepish when Chakotay smiled.

"Naturally."

"Why, sir?"

"Didn't you know that they find things to talk about that is mutually exclusive? We men are only hangers-on..." Chakotay said with a tinge of humour.

"I er...got that impression, sir," Noah replied, a look of pride on his face.

"You love her, Noah."

Noah coughed. He busied himself with some ornaments he had seen on a table. Chakotay waited, picking up and pointedly studying a small wooden carving of an animal.

"Yes, Commander. I have loved her from the start."

"She was not forthcoming then, right?"

"Aye, sir. She played hard to get at first. But, sir, she's had a difficult time, back on Earth..."

Chakotay looked up at Noah. He had no idea or frame of reference to what Noah referred to, but understood intuitively. Susan had been dubbed by Tom 'cold hands, cold heart', yet there was a reason. Lessing had come on board a year ago and thawed the young woman's heart.

"Then I'm happy for you, Noah."

"I asked her to marry me."

Chakotay stopped in his tracks and Noah appeared to skid to a halt. Chakotay's face was serious.

"Love her with every breath in your body, Noah."

"We'll ask the Captain as soon as shore leave is over, to marry us. I'm - I've been looking for a pledge, like - "

"Rings?"

"Aye, sir." Noah studied the jewellery display on a long table. Chakotay thought it was probably a collection of the various worlds of this star system. He picked up one or two rings to observe more closely.

"Here, Commander, do you think Susan will like this?"

Noah showed him a pair of rings that Chakotay wondered idly whether old Earth practices extended over millennia and galaxies for marriage rituals. These were rings that not necessarily indicated a sign or pledge for marriage, but for Noah it was the ideal thing. The two rings were of an ore Chakotay could only think had been mined here on this world. It was a dark gold that shone black or deep brown as the sun caught it. Wrought only twice, it looked like two entwining snakes.

"It's a good symbol, Noah."

"Thank you, Commander. Then I shall buy it." Noah smiled benignly at the Melvechian before making the exchange.

"Noah..."

"Aye, Commander?"

Chakotay frowned deeply as he looked up at Noah. He held a ring on his palm, then put it down absently.

"Did I wear a wedding band?"

"You did indeed, sir."

"Thank you, Noah."

Then Chakotay gave a light moan and rubbed his temples.

"Sir?"

"Sorry, Noah. I don't know what is happening, but I have a headache. It's been brewing since this morning. Let's get to the women. I might - "

"Keep in the shade then, Commander," Noah instructed just as he paid for the rings. "I think they're in the next turnoff. If we walk fast, we'll catch up with them quickly."

They hurried down a path and rounded the next corner. The sun was directly in their eyes and with the tall Melvechians they couldn't see the women.

Then it happened. About fifty metres away, a small opening appeared in the throng of the tall alien people and Chakotay and Noah saw Kathryn, B'Elanna, Seven and Susan. Kathryn was waving something away with her arm. In the next instant Tara was seized from her. Chakotay watched in terror as a screaming Tara thrashed about in the alien's arms. Then he saw a hand lifting high and something silver flashed - a long dagger, perhaps a sword - and it came down on Kathryn. There was a scream. He didn't know whether it issued from him or Noah. For a few critical seconds Chakotay was rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to respond in instinctive reaction to what he was witnessing. Only when the terrible fear was loosened through the screaming he came alive.

"What the hell?" Chakotay cried as his feet carried him forward. "What - the - hell - !?" he cried again.

"Commander!"

Chakotay ran.

Even through his blind rage and fear he saw hands were thrashing and jabbing about Kathryn and B'Elanna. He heard their screams.

"Kathryn! Kathryn!"

"Commander!"

Chakotay watched in helpless horror as Kathryn went down.

"No! Kathryn! Kathryn!"

The pain hit him at base of his skull with such force that Chakotay stumbled, pushed aside three Melvechians who looked at him in surprise. He was dizzy and in the haze of pain he saw Kathryn falling, Tara screaming, Miral screaming.

"No!"

Chakotay grabbed his head. He felt his skull break open and the agony rushed in, thundering like storming chariots into his head. He was about ten metres away, desperately reaching for her with his hands. Still he was too far away. His face was wet...

"Kathryn! My God! No! No!"

He sank slowly to his knees as he succumbed to the open chasm of pain. He tumbled helplessly into the dark divide, going down...down...down where grey mists turned to evil black clouds.

In the deep, the darkness welcomed Chakotay like a long lost son.

END CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN


	28. Chapter 28

**Dear readers**

 **This is the last chapter of the story. It is also the longest chapter because the events should all be absorbed in one reading.**

 **My most gracious thanks to all who read, enjoyed, commented on this story.**

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

The light in sick bay was at 100% illumination. Chakotay's uniform was wet; his hair plastered to his scalp. He was wheezing painfully, his eyes wide with fear as he lay Kathryn down on the biobed and the EMH immediately stood ready with a scanner.

"What happened, Commander?"

"I think she slipped, Doc. In the bathroom. She slipped, for God's sake!"

"Take it easy, Commander. We'll have her and the baby safe in no time," the EMH said tersely as he prepared Kathryn Janeway for delivery.

"Kathryn, Kathryn, wake up, please, honey..." Chakotay pleaded.

"Commander, she'll come to in a second. Be calm, will you?"

Chakotay grabbed the Doctor's wrist and hissed like an angry snake.

"I found her unconscious in the bathroom, Doctor. My wife has gone into labour - a month early, and you tell me I must be calm?"

"Let go of me!"

"Fine. Take care of her, Doc, she's all I have..."

Chakotay bent over Kathryn again and when she opened her eyes slowly, saw Chakotay bending over her.

"Chakotay?"

His palm cupped her cheek. Kathryn looked ashen, yet she tried to smile. She moaned instead as she clutched her belly.

"God, Kathryn! You fell in the bathroom!"

"You're in labour, Captain. It's time for those breathing exercises I've recommended - "

"Hear that, Kathryn? Next contraction, breathe...please…" Chakotay coaxed. He clutched her hand tightly as she arched, crying out.

"Please, honey..."

"I - I can't, Chakotay. Chakotay, I - must tell you - must tell you - " Kathryn gasped.

"What, Kathryn? What must you tell me? Doctor?" Chakotay turned to face the doctor.

"I take it she hasn't told you, Commander," the doctor said as he monitored the baby's heartbeat.

"What's going on?"

"I'm too old for this sort of thing, Chakotay..." Kathryn said, her face contorting with pain.

"What she means, Commander, is that - "

"Shut up, Doctor. Just get my baby out safely," Kathryn commanded with sudden fire as she half lifted herself from the bed and grabbed the doctor's wrist like Chakotay had done minutes before.

"Kathryn is healthy, right, Doctor?"

"She has had hypertension, Commander, a grave, but treatable condition during pregnancy."

"Kathryn?"

"I'll be okay," she breathed heavily just before another contraction hit her.

"Spirits, Kathryn, I have a few hundred more grey hairs than I had yesterday! "

"My - My baby, Doctor, she'll be okay?" Kathryn asked.

The doctor nodded and continued monitoring the baby's progress.

Then Kathryn cried out in pain again and the next few minutes Chakotay wanted to cry with her as she wept. He shouted at the doctor to sedate Kathryn, to which Kathryn recovered a second, looked balefully at him and hissed.

"I want the pain, Chakotay. Don't deny me!"

"But, Kathryn, you're not well, and - and - "

"Shut up and hold my hand."

Over the next few hours Chakotay tried his best not to kill the EMH. Kathryn appeared to weaken even as the contractions increased in intensity. He held her hand and wiped the perspiration from her face. She looked very, very pale, he thought. His heart lurched suddenly at the thought that something was going wrong. Kathryn really looked ill. He felt like bursting into a wild bout of tears because she looked so brave despite his concerned that she looked close to collapse.

He had been working late and arrived from Gamma shift only at 2400. She was nowhere to be seen. He called her name as his anxiety grew. Then his heart stopped for a few moments when he saw Kathryn lying on the floor in the bathroom. Her water had broken. How long she had been lying there unconscious before she eventually opened her eyes and seeing him gave him violent shudders even as he held her hand and guided her to breathe. She must have slipped and knocked her herself unconscious against the side of the tub. The trauma of falling... Spirits! Her water had broken and she had gone into labour. She couldn't have known it would happen. He thanked the spirits that he had arrived in time because he wanted to see how she was doing.

"Almost there, Captain," the doctor said quietly. Then he stared at the readout on the monitor, longer than Chakotay thought was necessary. A shiver gripped him, turned him cold with fear as the EMH's eyes widened.

"Doctor, what's happening?"

The EMH said nothing. Chakotay sensed he didn't want to distress Kathryn.

"Something wrong, Doc?" Chakotay asked again. The doctor looked at him, waved with a hand that he should walk round to the monitor.

"There is no fetal heartbeat, Commander," he said softly as Chakotay reached him. "Something is blocking the baby's air passage. She's suffocating. The umbilicus - "

"Christ, Doctor," Chakotay whispered, turning quickly to look at Kathryn, whose face already registered distress.

"M-My baby," she gasped.

"I'll have to do a fetal transport, Commander," the doctor said as he set up the incubator on an adjacent table. "It's the only option. She'll die - "

"Do it! Now!"

"M-my baby," Kathryn whimpered again. Tears were forming in her eyes. "I want my baby, Chakotay..."

"She's going to be alright, Kathryn. Just you see."

"Ready, Commander?"

Chakotay nodded and a minute later the baby lay outside the womb. They stared in shock at the umbilical cord that was wound tightly round her neck. She was already blue.

"Oh, God..."

"Help me this side, Commander."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn, who had breathed quietly then closed her eyes when the baby was transported from her. Kathryn's hair was wet, and she lay limp as if the baby had just slipped from her belly.

"Commander!"

The next few minutes, Chakotay wished he were dead. He wished he had three pairs of hands. In a haze, a dimming of the sounds around him that was really a deep buzzing in his ears, he heard the EMH hail Tom Paris. Chakotay held the incubator ready while the EMH unwound the cord from Tara's neck. The next few minutes the EMH worked on Tara. The cord had been tied off and he was resuscitating the baby with great care.

"There, Kathryn, see - ?" Chakotay started, looking at Kathryn, laughing and crying at the same time, "Doc's saving Tara for us - "

Then Chakotay drew in his breath sharply.

"Kathryn? Kathryn!"

Kathryn tried to open her eyes, but she had turned blue, her lips dark.

"Oh, God, Kathryn... Doctor! What the hell's happening?"

The doctor looked up from the baby, his eyes widening as he saw how still Kathryn lay. He looked down at the baby who was still blue and who had not made a sound yet, then at Kathryn again. He grabbed the scanner and ran it over Kathryn's head.

"Commander, cardiac arrest. I'm sorry. The infant is not making it - "

"Kathryn? Wake up, Kathryn..." Chakotay pleaded as the EMH ran between the incubator and Kathryn's bed. He administered shock treatment, and Kathryn's body arched high from the bed, then sagged down again. He repeated the procedure twice and Kathryn arched again.

"Come on, Kathryn, wake up."

When the EMH tried again, Chakotay pushed him away with such force that he stumbled, almost fell over the incubator.

"Save the baby."

Chakotay pressed his palms flat on Kathryn's chest, pressed hard five times, then breathed into her mouth. She lay with her head turned to him, staring at him with dead eyes as he thumped into her chest, then breathed. He was crying wildly.

"Come on, Kathryn! Don't go dying on me. Don't - go- dying - on -me!" he shouted in a demented voice. Then he lifted her to him, held her for a few moments and shouted, screamed, cried, as she failed to respond. He rocked her for a few maddening seconds before he started the procedure again.

"I -can't - lose - you - now -!"

And again,

"Don't go dying on me, Kathryn. Kathryn!"

"Commander, I'm afraid it's over - "

Chakotay gripped the Doctor's jacket and shook him.

"So help me God, Doc, this woman came to me late. I've lost her a hundred times before. I - will - not- lose- her - again. I'll not lose her again," he repeated, each word emphasized by shaking the doctor. Then he let the EMH go abruptly, before trying again with Kathryn. The EMH studied the readings, his eyes lighting up suddenly. He prepared a stimulant and administered the hypospray to Kathryn's neck..

"Now, Commander. Try again!"

Chakotay, bolstered by the renewed hope in the doctor's voice, started, his vision blurred by tears as he breathed into Kathryn, then counted again as he pressed into her chest, simulating her heartbeat.

"Please, sweetheart, do it for me. Don't go dying..."

"Doc, baby's breathing," Tom's voice sounded up in the sickbay.

"There, Kathryn. Tara is fine, you - hear - me - Kathryn? Tara - is - fine - "

"Commander, there's a heartbeat! It's faint, but it's there," the doctor cried out, his voice filled with relief as he read the scans.

"Doctor...?"

The Doctor reached him and rested his hand on Chakotay's shoulder.

"Yes, Commander. She will live. I'll do the rest now.. You saved her life."

The doctor administered another hypospray. Chakotay looked drunk, his eyes swimming in tears as he watched how the colour returned to Kathryn's face and her eyes moved. Then she gave a small sob, like she suddenly started breathing again as she sucked in her breath. Her hair lay in wet tendrils against her skin. Chakotay trembled violently as he brushed the wet hair from Kathryn's face, not realising how his tears fell on her.

"Chakotay?"

"Oh, God, Kathryn, you made it, sweetheart," he cried brokenly. "You made it..." He buried his face against her for a minute and sobbed. When he recovered, her hand came up and touched his face.

"Tara?"

"She's fine, Kathryn. She's just fine..."

"Commander, could you step back please?" the Doctor asked quietly. "We need to make mother and baby comfortable. It's 0900 hours and I'm expecting the first crewmen for medicals."

"I'm not leaving her, Doc," Chakotay said.

"I'm not asking you to leave. But you need to rest, too. The Captain and the infant will be fine now that they're both out of danger. "

Chakotay, marginally composed after their ordeal, pulled the doctor roughly by his arm and strode with him to the small office of sickbay. He nodded to Tom who had already started cleaning up, and who acknowledged his command. The sickbay doors had opened and Sam Wildman entered. Tom looked at her with relief and he nodded again to Chakotay.

In the office, Chakotay pushed the doctor so hard that the EMH fell into his chair.

"Now, Doctor, my wife must never know of the part I played today. Do you hear me?"

"Commander, I don't think you realise that you've done something that all my medical knowledge couldn't correct." The EMH looked for a moment almost sad.

"She must never know, do you hear? Once before, I lost her, just like that. You have no idea, Doctor, no idea at all what it does to man to lose the very breath of his existence. It's happened to me, not once, but twice."

"You don't understand, Commander Chakotay, that I have to enter into the medical - "

Chakotay pulled the doctor up and hissed into his face.

"Seems you haven't heard a word I said, Doc. Not a word to Kathryn Janeway, do you understand? Not a word. Tell Tom Paris not to breathe anything. I swear by God I'll programme a new EMH for this vessel if you do. My wife needs to know she had a normal delivery, that she was fine during labour. Get that?"

The doctor nodded, agreeing reluctantly.

"Good, now that we understand each other, I'll sit with my wife and keep a vigil under she gets better."

"So, you want to marry me? Get up, Kathryn. You don't have to go on your knees for me."

But Chakotay had been filled with a breathless joy and a secret thrill that her feelings had not changed. She had made the first move, to ask him to marry her. Imagine that. Imagine her courage! He had despaired, had lost hope that he would ever fill all the corners of Kathryn Janeway's heart. She asked him and he had seen the fear in her eyes - fear that he would reject her offer, as she had rejected his. She was afraid! Kathryn Janeway who rarely exposed herself like that! He knew with blinding insight the power he had over her; he could crush her in an instant. He was human enough to allow such a feeling to invade his mind even for a fleeting instant. He was a man who had been reduced to nothing by her, and now she asked him. She had done so with the knowledge that he could humiliate her, reduce her to a whimpering woman begging for mercy. But, he was a man, proud Native American who took the mark of his people, who saw a brave and great woman do something that had taken amazing courage and for that he had never admired Kathryn Janeway more, or loved her more deeply than he had at any time in his life.

Yet, he had to set a record in perspective. It would not look good on his résumé should his only daughter - yes, he knew that should he ever make a baby with Kathryn Janeway, it would be a girl and she would be Tara - ask one day how her father proposed to her mother.

How could he tell his daughter-to-come that it was her mother who proposed?

Some things of alpha male behaviour settled in Eden and carried on through the centuries, never lost its tradition - the man should ask the woman.

"I'm afraid I can't accept your proposal."

Maybe he shouldn't have said it, but at the cost of hurting her only for a moment longer - he would ensure her everlasting joy after that - he knew it had to be done. "I can't accept your proposal." Kathryn's eyes broke up, filled with tears. She turned and wanted to run. He caught her hand, pulled her roughly into his embrace.

"Will you marry me, Kathryn Janeway and be the love of my life?"

"I had Chell make this ring for you, Chakotay," Kathryn said as they lay in their bed and he studied his ring.

"Chell, huh. Chell, the jeweller. Good choice, Kathryn."

"Chakotay, darling, have you looked inside the ring?"

"Oh?" He sounded surprised. "And you never breathed a word?"

"I thought I didn't have to say anything, Chakotay. Just goes to show where your primary interest lies."

"Ah, yes, my primary interest lies next to me, in our bed, in my heart, mind and body?"

"Read it, Chakotay, darling."

Chakotay took off the ring, ordered 100 percent illumination and sucked in his breath. He didn't look at the ring, but at Kathryn lying naked on top of the covers, looking loved... Her eyes were smoky, her lips red from too many kisses, parted just enough to arouse him again. He coughed, turned his attention to read the inscription.

For Chakotay - love of my life

"You always called me that, on New Earth," she said quietly.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway."

He slipped the ring back, then bent down to kiss her, feeling suddenly how the tears burned behind his closed eyelids.

He had been simmering all afternoon, ever since Kathryn appeared on the bridge with her new hairstyle. He had allowed his anger to show, a fleeting flash in his eyes, then the disappointment. He had run his fingers through that luxuriant hair night after night... _there_... He didn't want to think of that place as having a name, let alone memories of it. Deleting it from his personal logs had been kind. He had closed his heart and his mind to that place. It held his greatest joy and his greatest sorrow.

Especially his greatest sorrow.

In his quarters he had gone into the shower and allowed the sonic heat to burn his body so fiercely that he screamed her name.

He always cried out her name.

Even in his sleep.

How many times had he woken in the night, drenched in sweat, dreaming of Kathryn, of the warm nights when they'd lain naked, sated after their lovemaking? How many nights had they lain when it was storming and he held Kathryn so tightly in his embrace? She had been afraid, like she had been that night of the first storm.

How many times had she murmured, "I love you, Chakotay"?

"Kathryn! Damn you, Kathryn Janeway!"

The Orinoco was under fire. Where had those rogue vessels suddenly sprung from? Despite hails to Voyager, they had to ride out the storm.

"Neelix, how's it going?"

"Commander, they're firing again!" Neelix shouted.

"I know! Trust Kathryn to give us a type six shuttle. The Orinoco is slow today. Sayenne, evasive maneuver! Can we evade them?" Chakotay was firing, trying to hold off one vessel on the port side.

"I'm on it, sir," Sayenne replied, but Chakotay didn't miss the fleeting glimpse of fear in the Ensign's eyes.

"We'll make it, Sayenne! Voyager! Come in, we're under attack!" Chakotay shouted as another burst of phaser fire strafed them portside. The Orinoco veered violently.

"Evasive maneuver Coral Beta 2! Let's see you put your skills into practice. Now!"

"Voyager to Chakotay."

"Kathryn! We need back-up. We're heading for the third moon - "

"We're on it, Commander," he heard Tom's voice.

Then the Orinoco was hit full on. The shuttle careened out of control, hurtling towards the third moon.

"Sayenne!"

"I'm making a crash landing, sir. Brace for impact!"

Minutes later the shuttle hit the surface, skidding helplessly for almost five hundred metres before crashing to a halt against a large boulder. Neelix was flung from the shuttle while Sayenne took the burnt of the crash. Chakotay was flung against the opposite bulkhead. He heard a sound, his skull cracked and the pain when it came, was ten thousand blinding stabs of pure agony.

Then the shuttle burst into flames.

Chakotay's final recollection was an image of Kathryn with Tara on her lap as she rocked the baby.

He reached for her as his body burned and cried out one last time before he lost consciousness:

 _"Kathryn... Kathryn..."_

"Come on, Chakotay, sweetheart, wake up now."

He tried to move. What was that voice?

"Easy, take it easy..."

From the depths of darkness he swam to the surface. The darkness that had been his jailer finally released him. Slowly Chakotay opened his eyes. He tried to focus. The figures were bobbing blurs that refused to remain still.

If he kept still, the blurring might stop. Several seconds later, they came into focus.

He saw Kathryn's face. She was smiling, but there were tears in her eyes. He frowned. She was here, the thought ran through him. She was here, in sickbay with him, and not lying dead in a market on Melvech. His eyes were sunken, tired, but there was heat in them. His throat constricted and his lips felt dry.

"You are here, Kathryn?"

He tried to touch her, make certain that she was not a hallucination.

"What did you see, Chakotay?" she asked softly. In the background he could just see the doctor moving about. The sickbay doors had also opened and someone walked in. Chakotay wanted to sit up, moaned a little and Kathryn pressed him gently back against the headrest.

"They attacked you," he stammered. "You - you and - and Tara and B'Elanna... The sun was in my eyes and I - I had a splitting headache. I couldn't see. The light was blinding. They took Tara from you. There were flashes of silver, like daggers... Then you fell..."

His hand reached for her and she laced her fingers with his gratefully. She smiled gently, wiped his damp brow. He couldn't take his eyes off her, slaking his thirst as he looked hungrily at her.

"They were tall hats, Chakotay. In three days' time, the Melvechians will celebrate the Festival of the Moons, and the hats are part of the celebration rituals. B'Elanna and I were trying them on. The Melvechian you saw take Tara from me, was Melvech's First Ambassador, Bren Hadar. He was there with his wife and daughter..."

Relief filled him, washed through his body.

Hats...the spirits be praised...

"It was that simple?"

"It was that simple, Chakotay."

He kept her hand in his. His eyes glowed as he gazed at her, long and unwavering. This time Kathryn frowned. Her lips quivered.

"Chakotay?" his name issued as a soft prayer from her.

"The Orinoco crashed..."

Kathryn Janeway closed her eyes briefly. Chakotay knew...

"We know, Chakotay," Kathryn gave a sob. "We know, honey..." Then her tears fell. She bent over to press her lips to his. When she straightened up again, he gripped her hand tightly.

"I remember, my Kathryn. I remember...everything."

Chakotay tried to sit up, and this time Kathryn helped him to a sitting position. He swung his legs off the bed and pulled Kathryn to him.

"I remember everything," he said again, "love of my life..."

"Chakotay!"

Kathryn threw herself in his embrace. It was Chakotay whose body shuddered as the sobs overtook him in the next few minutes. Dry, wracking sobs that wouldn't abate as he buried his face against Kathryn's bosom. All the time she held him, stroked his back, consoling him. When at last the sobbing subsided, he held her away from him. His face was somber, but the tension, the old grief was no longer there. His eyes were clear, unwavering as they remained fixed on her.

He had a sudden vision of those last seconds on the Orinoco. Neelix trying to brace himself. The landing, the skidding. Sayenne turning to look at him, then pushing Chakotay to the rear of the shuttle. His last waking moment was of Sayenne's body engulfed in flames.

"I know Ensign Sayenne died, Kathryn. He saved my life."

Kathryn nodded.

Over her shoulders he looked at the officer standing a little away from them.

"Tom."

"Welcome back, Commander."

"I gave you some grief, didn't I?" Chakotay said. Tom gave a chuckle. He stepped forward and Chakotay shook his hand.

"Want to go one round with me some time? Just a friendly bout," Tom asked.

"Sure thing, Paris. You're on."

Tom moved away again. The EMH approached them. "Well, Commander, you've been out for the count for a few hours. I thought it better you sleep it off. Now, be off with you. Captain," the EMH turned to Kathryn, "I recommend bed rest for the Commander, and resuming duty only in two days.

"Thanks, Doc. I'd be glad to get out of here." Chakotay slid off the bed, kissed the back of Kathryn's hand and said, "Let's go home, love of my life..."

It was evening and they were sitting down to a light meal. Tara was mercifully sleeping after playing with her mother all morning down on Melvech. Back in their cabin the baby insisted Kathryn put her on Chakotay's chest to play there. She had a hard time getting Tara to rest and after her bath and feed for the evening, she had been more calm. Chakotay had woken up once in the late afternoon. Although still heavy with sleep he played with Tara. Kathryn's heart warmed when Chakotay, out of sheer exhaustion fell asleep again, not moving when Tara clambered all over him on the bed. Since their daughter could walk, and being almost a year old, she slid easily off the bed, and with her mother's help, was lifted on it. They were no longer so afraid that she'd fall off.

Chakotay had only murmured in his sleep while Tara pulled his hair, or kissed him, at one time even biting him. Kathryn had watched with indulgent motherly pride how Chakotay welcomed his child, as if he hadn't seen her in months. In reality he hadn't seen her in months and was only mildly surprised to see the new teeth, Tara's proclivity to bite him whenever she could. It was wonderful to watch him, even when he rested. It seemed he needed to have Tara all over him, even when he was sleeping, to know in his subconscious they were there, with him.

There was an aching familiarity about his movements in the quarters, or the way he looked at her with his old recognition. When she insisted he rest just after they had returned to their quarters - her heart burned when he called it "home' - he didn't demur, and she knew how tired he was. She guessed that the headache that started the morning and which led to his hallucination, must have exploded to the extent that his perceived fear of his family being threatened was the only trigger he needed to bring back all his memories that rushed at once into his head.

Now, watching her husband as he sipped his wine, she could see how clear his eyes were, freed of the headaches, hopefully permanently. She had woken him gently earlier, and after freshening up he had been quiet, just looking at her, or touching her hand, her cheek, needing to regain and re-establish all his old terrains. She let him be. He would talk, she knew, when he was ready. They had time, and time was what Chakotay needed. He needed to assimilate all his memories, needed to think about his life and absorb all the familiar aspects of it that had eluded him for almost four months. Most of the evening she had read while Tara was sleeping, occasionally looking up when Chakotay moved her way. He had been once at his computer, studied it for a short while, then ambled about the quarters. Once he took the book she was reading, then nodded approvingly. The page had been open at Keats's Sonnet 19.

Chakotay looked at her, smiled, then took another sip of his wine. It was the look in his eyes, she thought, that had been nothing short of a miracle. There were no shadows, no dark mists that had always been there in the last months, even though he had been unaware that it was there. His eyes looked clear. Chakotay looked at her not with the recognition of the past months, but with his old regard, that deep sense of knowing the depth in her, the glorious knowledge that he could remember any scene, any conversation, remember the joy, the pain. He put his glass down, studied her for a moment.

"You know, Kathryn..."

There was a sudden apprehension as her fork stilled mid-air. She put it down and looked at him.

"What is it?"

"I missed the nuances..."

Her eyes filled with a deep, intuitive understanding. He didn't have to say more. He reached over the table to touch her hand. Her fingers trembled slightly under his. She knew what he meant. She could tell him in the finest detail about his life that he had forgotten, but he missed the body language, the change of colour in the eyes that indicated a change of emotion, the tenor of her voice, timbre, everything that was a gauge of feelings.

"You were someone I came to know and fall in love with - again..." He smiled when he said that. His eyes were sober, though. "But always, in my subconscious, I wondered about the other Kathryn, the Kathryn I married. Always, even though you filled me in on so many things, including the traumatic ones, I wondered about her..."

"And I saw the man," she whispered with painful honesty, "who was searching, even when he didn't know how the questions lay in his eyes, how his eyes would give him away in quiet moments..."

"We didn't speak about so many things. While I was lying in sickbay, I experienced again the night you gave birth, and Kathryn, you - you died that night, did you know? I despaired of - " His eyes shifted, averted her gaze. Chakotay struggled to compose himself. He wiped furiously at his brow.

"Shhh... all in its time, my love," she comforted as she again covered his hand.

"I never spoke about it," he said painfully. "I lost you, that night, Kathryn. I - "

"Don't, please..."

"Yes, I have to, sweetheart. When I met you, I fell in love with you. After that, it always seemed to me I was losing you."

"I'm - I'm so sorry, Chakotay."

"No, don't be, Kathryn. Don't ever be. I just need to tell you why I became obsessed, I think."

Kathryn nodded heavily, knowing how painful it was for Chakotay to relive those events, and for her to hear them again.

"Every time," he continued, "I was losing you. You left me; I despaired of ever finding you again. And when you agreed to marry me, I thought my life was finally complete. All the leaving would be over. I was desperate to protect you and Tara. I lost much, Kathryn, and I didn't want to lose you again. When you died giving birth, I think I became demented for a while. I resuscitated you, you know."

"I know, Chakotay," she answered softly, warily.

"You knew? All the time?"

"We never did speak of our traumas, did we? I left my body and saw how you battled to save my life. You did once before..."

He became quiet for a while, finishing his meal. Kathryn excused herself from the table, returned a minute later and sat down again. She put a little box on the table, and pushed it towards him.

"Kathryn?"

"Open it..."

He opened the box slowly and when he held the ring in his hand, he frowned.

"Down there, on Melvech, in the market, I asked Noah about whether I had worn a wedding band - "

Kathryn's eyes clouded.

"The crash, the way your body burned... The ring burned off your finger, Chakotay."

He nodded, studied the ring.

"I asked Chell a month ago to make me another one," she said.

Chakotay looked at her and frowned.

"I was always going to give it to you on a day like today, when - when there were no grey mists, Chakotay."

He read the inscription.

For Chakotay - love of my life

He slipped the ring on his finger and rose from the table.

"Come here, Kathryn Janeway..."

He took her hand and walked with her to the lounge.

"Dance with me?"

She floated into his arms.

"Computer, play twentieth century song, _"As time goes by..."_

"Instrumental or voice?" the computer asked.

"Voice. Lena Horn."

"A kiss is just a kiss..."

They swayed gently to the music that filled the cabin. Kathryn's head rested against his chest. He pressed his lips into her hair.

"I am doubly blessed, Kathryn," he whispered.

She looked up at him.

"So am I, Chakotay. So am I."

He bent down to kiss her - the woman he fell in love with the first time he saw her and the woman he fell in love with the second time he saw her. His lips touched hers in a benediction.

"I have gathered all my dreams now, Kathryn - love of my life."

THE END

Author's Note: The title came from line in a song I learnt s a child :

Chorus:

 **"We can think of roses in the winter time**

 **And gather dreams that never fade away**

 **Our school days and our holidays**

 **The day we fell in love**

 **Are lovely moments that will always stay"**.

[Author unknown].


End file.
